the Fray and Jack's Mannequin 6/20/09

Last night was amazing. I've always said that I love going to concerts for the headliner and simultaneously falling in love with the opener, but I now know that it is just as magical the other way around. The main reason I attended last night's concert at the Chevrolet Theater was because Jack's Mannequin was opening. I would not have cared if I hated the headliner - after all, I wasn't a huge Paramore fan but I saw them anyway just to see Jack's. And don't get me wrong, I've always liked the Fray. I just don't think I would have fought so hard for an 8th row ticket if my favorite band wasn't opening. But as amazing as it was, the entire day yesterday...it didn't feel like I was going to a show. Usually I have trouble falling asleep the night before because of how jittery I am, and I wake up unusually early for the same reason. However, yesterday I went about my day normally, almost forgetting that I had to be at Bailey's house later. Even my mother commented that I was strangely calm about this. And I was. I think it was because there have been numerous occasions where I counted down the days to a show - but being so caught up in schoolwork and everything, I didn't with this show. It was like I fought for my ticket, got it, and then in the flurry of everything else, forgot about the show, thinking it was always out of reach while it was actually looming closer.

I didn't even comprehend the fact that I was seeing Jack's when I got to Bailey's house, or when we were driving there, or when we arrived. It didn't hit me until I sat down in my amazingly close 8th row seat and saw the equipment box that had "Jack's Mannequin" printed on the sides and top. That was when it hit me. I should have felt uncomfortable, sitting by myself, surrounded by people who would probably hate me in a few minutes because of how obnoxious I am during Jack's shows. But I wasn't. As shy and terrified of embarrassment as I am, all of those trivial concerns and character flaws seem to dissipate when Jack's Mannequin takes the stage. Their music unties all of the strings tightly wound around me, preventing me from opening up too much or relaxing. From the first to last note Andrew played on his piano, I was, for once, truly happy and carefree. There was not a single worry in my anxiety ridden mind and for that I will be forever grateful for all the members of Jack's Mannequin. At one point, Raksha turned to me and said, "This is so surreal." But those words cannot begin to explain the feeling. I pity the people who feel they need drugs to experience something beautiful; how do they not see? Music is the most powerful, intoxicating, addicting drug there is.

After the incredible energy Jack's brought, I wondered how the Fray was going to live up to that. After all, the majority of their songs are slower - and how embarrassing would that be, falling into the shadow of your opening band? I do like the Fray but I was wary of their stage presence. Thankfully, they washed away my doubts. They were not as energetic as Jack's, but they have this strangely powerful stage presence. It's hard to explain but I guess it's sort of like how people always lean in to hear what quiet people have to say because even though they're not outgoing, they have just as strong of a presence. Isaac and the rest of the Fray seem to be like that. They have a quiet but powerful aura about them and I felt more emotionally connected to their music than I thought I would be. I stood up through almost their entire set...and before I knew it...the show was over. Immediately I longed for the feeling of the drumbeat beneath my feet, rising through my entire body, tingling every nerve. Never could I have predicted the liberating feeling their performance gave me...

I will write more about what happened after the show later. For now I am drowning myself in the Fray's two albums because they will never sound more beautiful than they do right now.

Perfect summer music

Besides the usual favorites, I have a suspicion that I'm going to spend the whole summer listening to Iron & Wine. They are the epitome of relaxation and,,,everything I love about summer. (Minus The Shepherd's Dog - that album feels dark to me.) Anyway, I recently bought their 2-disc b-sides and rarities album, Around the Well. I was wary at first, considering some bands release those types of album for the sake of more money...and sometimes the songs are not worth half the price. But once again, Iron & Wine pleasantly surprised me. I have a bit of an attachment to the second disc, which is strange because I've found that some albums start off really great and then stumble on from there. In fact, my favorite (or at least one of them) is the final song, "The Trapeze Swinger." I am completely in love with it. The lyrics are in my AIM profile but what the heck, I'll post them here too. The song is quite long, about as long as "Konstantine," so it's guaranteed that the lyrics are practically a novel. But whatever. Unlike "Konstantine," this song makes me so happy...I can't even describe it. As strange as this sounds, I feel like...how I imagine people feel when they are told, "I love you."

please, remember me happily
by the rosebush laughing
with bruises on my chin
the time when
we counted every black car passing
your house beneath the hill
and up until
someone caught us in the kitchen
with maps, a mountain range
a piggy bank
a vision too removed to mention
but...

please, remember me fondly
I heard from someone you're still pretty
and then they went on to say
that the pearly gates
had some eloquent graffiti
like "we'll meet again"
and "fuck the man"
and "tell my mother not to worry"
and angels with their gray
handshakes
were always done in such a hurry
and...

please, remember me at Halloween
making fools of all the neighbors
our faces painted white
by midnight
we'd forgotten one another
and when the morning came
I was ashamed
only now it seems so silly
that season left the world
and then returned
but now you're lit up by the city
so...

please, remember me mistakenly
in the window of the tallest tower call
then pass us by
but much too high
to see the empty road at happy hour
gleam and resonate
just like the gates
around the holy kingdom
with words like "lost and found" and "don't look down"
and "someone save temptation"
and...

please, remember me as in the dream
we had as rug-burned babies
among the fallen trees
and fast asleep
aside the lions and the ladies
that called you what you like
and even might
give a gift for your behavior
a fleeting chance to see
a trapeze
swinger high as any savior
but...

please, remember me, my misery
and how it lost me all I wanted
those dogs that love the rain
and chasing trains
the colored birds above there running
in circles round the well
and where it spells
on the wall behind St. Peter's
so bright on cinder gray
and spray paint
"who the hell can see forever?"
and...

please, remember me seldomly
in the car behind the carnival
my hand between your knees
you turn from me
and said, "the trapeze act was wonderful
but never meant to last"
the clowns that passed
saw me just come up with anger
when it filled with circus dogs
the parking lot
had an element of danger
so...

please, remember me finally
and all my uphill clawing
my dear
but if I make
the pearly gates
do my best to make a drawing
of God and Lucifer
a boy and girl
an angel kissin' on a sinner
a monkey and a man
a marching band
all around the frightened trapeze swingers.

It's been too long.

Indeed, it has. This update is for Raksha, because she so bluntly told me that she was reading my blog and it gave me a pang of guilt, having not updated for such a long time. Anyway, I have no idea what I'm going to write about but that's usually how most of my blog entries begin. And they usually end with me rambling about something.
So...I guess the biggest thing going on right now is that school is practically over. I only have my biology final Monday and then I'm done...but it doesn't feel like it. It doesn't feel like summer is just over the horizon. I thought I would be relieved at this point - possibly jumping up and down in ecstasy - but I'm not. I really hope this isn't one of those summers where it hits me that it's summer in the beginning of August. Those are the worst. Also, I'm being forced to go to Pennsylvania in mid-July, which I am absolutely dreading. Usually for vacation we go to some shitty motel in Jersey and I mean, it's not California or anything, but I can enjoy myself anytime and anywhere when I'm with the Donenfelds. This time though, they're not coming with us. I don't know why; what I've heard from my mother is that it's because Marisa is getting paid to work at the camp this year, whereas before she was volunteering. Still...I find that hard to believe. A job at a camp, for Christ's sake, is keeping her from going on vacation? I wouldn't be surprised if there was some underlying reason that my mother neglected to tell me for some reason. She tends to do that often and then puts on her innocent face once I blow her cover. In fact, my whole family does that - and I don't mean just my immediate family. My other relatives also. Don't get me wrong, I love my mother's sister, mainly because she inherited the unique, adventurous genes my mother lacks...but she treats me like I'm five rather than fifteen. Every time she curses, she covers her mouth like she just confessed to a murder, and when she's about to curse, she tells me to cover my ears. I try to her ignore her and thankfully, last time my cousin Jen stuck up for me. Her and Stacy are part of the few family members I actually enjoy being with. I can talk to them about things that interest me and don't have to banter on about my classes for a half hour. Anyway, Jen told Nadine to stop treating me like I haven't gotten past puberty. I hope Nadine listens to her because I don't know much longer I'll be able to fake smile my way through that.
Wait a second, I was talking about Pennsylvania and somehow wound up talking about my family? Back to Pennsylvania...that's going to be our family vacation, although I think a better title would be family trip from hell. Not only is my best friend not going to be there, but two or three of the days are taken up by my sister's softball tournament - that is, after all, the only reason we're going. My parents decided to just tack on a few extra days at the motel and call it a vacation. When I asked what the fuck there is to do in Pennsylvania, they said Hershey Park. I don't know if they stopped to think about how Christie is scared shitless of half the rides and I have no one to go with. Because I'm definitely not going with my fuckass of a sister. (Donnie Darko reference, check it.)
The week that I'm going to be out of state just happens to coincide with the release of the new Harry Potter movie. This is horribly melodramatic but I was crushed when I found out. That was one of the top three events I had to look forward to this summer. I was probably going to go with a group of friends who all love Harry Potter like I do. I guess I should be grateful because my mother (if reluctantly) agreed to take me at midnight...but when you're bouncing in your seat with excitement and the person next to you is nodding off...it's just not the same. Also, in honor of the movie release, I've been rereading the series. It's amazing because I'm reminded of how much I love the books, although I do dread the Harry/Cho and Harry/Ginny scenes. I've always had a bit of thing for him...
On the downside, the series never fails to prove to me how mundane and unexciting my life is. I mean, I want to open the Chamber of Secrets and befriend werewolves and convicted murderers too! What makes Harry so special?!
Remembering all the spells again annoys me because I think about how much easier my life would be if I wasn't a Muggle. Just the other day I lost my flip flops and searched my house for ten minutes before I found them. If I was magical, I could wave my wand, say, "Accio flip flops!" and...problem solved.
I am no longer the ten year old crossing her fingers for a letter from Hogwarts on her eleventh birthday - but it doesn't mean I don't still wish it could happen. 0:)

Sorry

I haven't been updating nearly as much lately. I've been really busy with schoolwork. This is the final stretch but it's probably the hardest, especially since I'm only two weeks away but I feel like it's going to take forever, Not only is it going to take forever, but it's going to be jam packed with work. I have my resurrection this Wednesday, which I'm terrified for and don't want to do...but at the same time I want to just get it done. This is something I've known about since November, something I complained was hanging over head during Christmas break, for God's sake. And now it's June, and it's almost done. It's almost over with. Despite the fact that I have finals to study for (and possibly the spanish speaking part the day after), I'm totally going out to dinner to celebrate this colossal waste of my time being DONE.
I want to write more, I really do...just give me a little while. Until then there will probably be sporadic and quick updates such as this.

Anger is quite useless

Lately I've been losing my temper more than usual. I'm losing patience with people quickly and it's starting to worry me, because if I lose patience with people then they're going to lose patience with me. I don't need any unnecessary drama and don't want to start anything, but I feel dangerously large flickers of flame inside me during situations I would normally shrug off my shoulders. I'd like to blame it on the fact that I've been sick since last weekend but I also don't want to be disappointed when that turns out to be wrong. I don't know what's gotten into me lately. Today, one of my best friends dropped the ball on something she'd been promising me since last week - she promised that he would come to our study hall to help her with something tech related that she needed to do. She didn't tell me a specific day because she didn't want me to turn it into a big deal. I can see where she's coming from with that point because I definitely was making a big deal about it; I'll admit to that. I wasn't running around yelling about it or something like that, but I was visibly excited when we talked about it. I was even trying to figure out her plan about which day he was coming - not that she even formulated a plan - and I was nervous about what I was going to wear. That is all very ridiculous because he shouldn't mean anything to me but for some sick reason...I cared. It was not a big deal in the scheme of things, but to me it was. I don't know if she understood that when she decided not to message him and I didn't want to say anything. After all, I had a feeling this was coming; I should have told myself it would never happen in the first place so I wouldn't disappointed. But you know, when you're giddy, you don't think negatively like that.
When she first told me she wasn't going to message him, I was upset. Then I was upset that I was upset because I shouldn't be. Then I was mad. I was mad because this was stupidly important to me and even if she didn't feel like doing it...she had promised me. Gosh, I was mad for like an hour, and I blurted it out to someone because I couldn't sit there and not say something.
Then a joking around argument turned real for a second...
Then I got defensive over music...

This is worrying me.