the Fray and Jack's Mannequin 6/20/09

Last night was amazing. I've always said that I love going to concerts for the headliner and simultaneously falling in love with the opener, but I now know that it is just as magical the other way around. The main reason I attended last night's concert at the Chevrolet Theater was because Jack's Mannequin was opening. I would not have cared if I hated the headliner - after all, I wasn't a huge Paramore fan but I saw them anyway just to see Jack's. And don't get me wrong, I've always liked the Fray. I just don't think I would have fought so hard for an 8th row ticket if my favorite band wasn't opening. But as amazing as it was, the entire day yesterday...it didn't feel like I was going to a show. Usually I have trouble falling asleep the night before because of how jittery I am, and I wake up unusually early for the same reason. However, yesterday I went about my day normally, almost forgetting that I had to be at Bailey's house later. Even my mother commented that I was strangely calm about this. And I was. I think it was because there have been numerous occasions where I counted down the days to a show - but being so caught up in schoolwork and everything, I didn't with this show. It was like I fought for my ticket, got it, and then in the flurry of everything else, forgot about the show, thinking it was always out of reach while it was actually looming closer.

I didn't even comprehend the fact that I was seeing Jack's when I got to Bailey's house, or when we were driving there, or when we arrived. It didn't hit me until I sat down in my amazingly close 8th row seat and saw the equipment box that had "Jack's Mannequin" printed on the sides and top. That was when it hit me. I should have felt uncomfortable, sitting by myself, surrounded by people who would probably hate me in a few minutes because of how obnoxious I am during Jack's shows. But I wasn't. As shy and terrified of embarrassment as I am, all of those trivial concerns and character flaws seem to dissipate when Jack's Mannequin takes the stage. Their music unties all of the strings tightly wound around me, preventing me from opening up too much or relaxing. From the first to last note Andrew played on his piano, I was, for once, truly happy and carefree. There was not a single worry in my anxiety ridden mind and for that I will be forever grateful for all the members of Jack's Mannequin. At one point, Raksha turned to me and said, "This is so surreal." But those words cannot begin to explain the feeling. I pity the people who feel they need drugs to experience something beautiful; how do they not see? Music is the most powerful, intoxicating, addicting drug there is.

After the incredible energy Jack's brought, I wondered how the Fray was going to live up to that. After all, the majority of their songs are slower - and how embarrassing would that be, falling into the shadow of your opening band? I do like the Fray but I was wary of their stage presence. Thankfully, they washed away my doubts. They were not as energetic as Jack's, but they have this strangely powerful stage presence. It's hard to explain but I guess it's sort of like how people always lean in to hear what quiet people have to say because even though they're not outgoing, they have just as strong of a presence. Isaac and the rest of the Fray seem to be like that. They have a quiet but powerful aura about them and I felt more emotionally connected to their music than I thought I would be. I stood up through almost their entire set...and before I knew it...the show was over. Immediately I longed for the feeling of the drumbeat beneath my feet, rising through my entire body, tingling every nerve. Never could I have predicted the liberating feeling their performance gave me...

I will write more about what happened after the show later. For now I am drowning myself in the Fray's two albums because they will never sound more beautiful than they do right now.

Perfect summer music

Besides the usual favorites, I have a suspicion that I'm going to spend the whole summer listening to Iron & Wine. They are the epitome of relaxation and,,,everything I love about summer. (Minus The Shepherd's Dog - that album feels dark to me.) Anyway, I recently bought their 2-disc b-sides and rarities album, Around the Well. I was wary at first, considering some bands release those types of album for the sake of more money...and sometimes the songs are not worth half the price. But once again, Iron & Wine pleasantly surprised me. I have a bit of an attachment to the second disc, which is strange because I've found that some albums start off really great and then stumble on from there. In fact, my favorite (or at least one of them) is the final song, "The Trapeze Swinger." I am completely in love with it. The lyrics are in my AIM profile but what the heck, I'll post them here too. The song is quite long, about as long as "Konstantine," so it's guaranteed that the lyrics are practically a novel. But whatever. Unlike "Konstantine," this song makes me so happy...I can't even describe it. As strange as this sounds, I feel like...how I imagine people feel when they are told, "I love you."

please, remember me happily
by the rosebush laughing
with bruises on my chin
the time when
we counted every black car passing
your house beneath the hill
and up until
someone caught us in the kitchen
with maps, a mountain range
a piggy bank
a vision too removed to mention
but...

please, remember me fondly
I heard from someone you're still pretty
and then they went on to say
that the pearly gates
had some eloquent graffiti
like "we'll meet again"
and "fuck the man"
and "tell my mother not to worry"
and angels with their gray
handshakes
were always done in such a hurry
and...

please, remember me at Halloween
making fools of all the neighbors
our faces painted white
by midnight
we'd forgotten one another
and when the morning came
I was ashamed
only now it seems so silly
that season left the world
and then returned
but now you're lit up by the city
so...

please, remember me mistakenly
in the window of the tallest tower call
then pass us by
but much too high
to see the empty road at happy hour
gleam and resonate
just like the gates
around the holy kingdom
with words like "lost and found" and "don't look down"
and "someone save temptation"
and...

please, remember me as in the dream
we had as rug-burned babies
among the fallen trees
and fast asleep
aside the lions and the ladies
that called you what you like
and even might
give a gift for your behavior
a fleeting chance to see
a trapeze
swinger high as any savior
but...

please, remember me, my misery
and how it lost me all I wanted
those dogs that love the rain
and chasing trains
the colored birds above there running
in circles round the well
and where it spells
on the wall behind St. Peter's
so bright on cinder gray
and spray paint
"who the hell can see forever?"
and...

please, remember me seldomly
in the car behind the carnival
my hand between your knees
you turn from me
and said, "the trapeze act was wonderful
but never meant to last"
the clowns that passed
saw me just come up with anger
when it filled with circus dogs
the parking lot
had an element of danger
so...

please, remember me finally
and all my uphill clawing
my dear
but if I make
the pearly gates
do my best to make a drawing
of God and Lucifer
a boy and girl
an angel kissin' on a sinner
a monkey and a man
a marching band
all around the frightened trapeze swingers.

It's been too long.

Indeed, it has. This update is for Raksha, because she so bluntly told me that she was reading my blog and it gave me a pang of guilt, having not updated for such a long time. Anyway, I have no idea what I'm going to write about but that's usually how most of my blog entries begin. And they usually end with me rambling about something.
So...I guess the biggest thing going on right now is that school is practically over. I only have my biology final Monday and then I'm done...but it doesn't feel like it. It doesn't feel like summer is just over the horizon. I thought I would be relieved at this point - possibly jumping up and down in ecstasy - but I'm not. I really hope this isn't one of those summers where it hits me that it's summer in the beginning of August. Those are the worst. Also, I'm being forced to go to Pennsylvania in mid-July, which I am absolutely dreading. Usually for vacation we go to some shitty motel in Jersey and I mean, it's not California or anything, but I can enjoy myself anytime and anywhere when I'm with the Donenfelds. This time though, they're not coming with us. I don't know why; what I've heard from my mother is that it's because Marisa is getting paid to work at the camp this year, whereas before she was volunteering. Still...I find that hard to believe. A job at a camp, for Christ's sake, is keeping her from going on vacation? I wouldn't be surprised if there was some underlying reason that my mother neglected to tell me for some reason. She tends to do that often and then puts on her innocent face once I blow her cover. In fact, my whole family does that - and I don't mean just my immediate family. My other relatives also. Don't get me wrong, I love my mother's sister, mainly because she inherited the unique, adventurous genes my mother lacks...but she treats me like I'm five rather than fifteen. Every time she curses, she covers her mouth like she just confessed to a murder, and when she's about to curse, she tells me to cover my ears. I try to her ignore her and thankfully, last time my cousin Jen stuck up for me. Her and Stacy are part of the few family members I actually enjoy being with. I can talk to them about things that interest me and don't have to banter on about my classes for a half hour. Anyway, Jen told Nadine to stop treating me like I haven't gotten past puberty. I hope Nadine listens to her because I don't know much longer I'll be able to fake smile my way through that.
Wait a second, I was talking about Pennsylvania and somehow wound up talking about my family? Back to Pennsylvania...that's going to be our family vacation, although I think a better title would be family trip from hell. Not only is my best friend not going to be there, but two or three of the days are taken up by my sister's softball tournament - that is, after all, the only reason we're going. My parents decided to just tack on a few extra days at the motel and call it a vacation. When I asked what the fuck there is to do in Pennsylvania, they said Hershey Park. I don't know if they stopped to think about how Christie is scared shitless of half the rides and I have no one to go with. Because I'm definitely not going with my fuckass of a sister. (Donnie Darko reference, check it.)
The week that I'm going to be out of state just happens to coincide with the release of the new Harry Potter movie. This is horribly melodramatic but I was crushed when I found out. That was one of the top three events I had to look forward to this summer. I was probably going to go with a group of friends who all love Harry Potter like I do. I guess I should be grateful because my mother (if reluctantly) agreed to take me at midnight...but when you're bouncing in your seat with excitement and the person next to you is nodding off...it's just not the same. Also, in honor of the movie release, I've been rereading the series. It's amazing because I'm reminded of how much I love the books, although I do dread the Harry/Cho and Harry/Ginny scenes. I've always had a bit of thing for him...
On the downside, the series never fails to prove to me how mundane and unexciting my life is. I mean, I want to open the Chamber of Secrets and befriend werewolves and convicted murderers too! What makes Harry so special?!
Remembering all the spells again annoys me because I think about how much easier my life would be if I wasn't a Muggle. Just the other day I lost my flip flops and searched my house for ten minutes before I found them. If I was magical, I could wave my wand, say, "Accio flip flops!" and...problem solved.
I am no longer the ten year old crossing her fingers for a letter from Hogwarts on her eleventh birthday - but it doesn't mean I don't still wish it could happen. 0:)

Sorry

I haven't been updating nearly as much lately. I've been really busy with schoolwork. This is the final stretch but it's probably the hardest, especially since I'm only two weeks away but I feel like it's going to take forever, Not only is it going to take forever, but it's going to be jam packed with work. I have my resurrection this Wednesday, which I'm terrified for and don't want to do...but at the same time I want to just get it done. This is something I've known about since November, something I complained was hanging over head during Christmas break, for God's sake. And now it's June, and it's almost done. It's almost over with. Despite the fact that I have finals to study for (and possibly the spanish speaking part the day after), I'm totally going out to dinner to celebrate this colossal waste of my time being DONE.
I want to write more, I really do...just give me a little while. Until then there will probably be sporadic and quick updates such as this.

Anger is quite useless

Lately I've been losing my temper more than usual. I'm losing patience with people quickly and it's starting to worry me, because if I lose patience with people then they're going to lose patience with me. I don't need any unnecessary drama and don't want to start anything, but I feel dangerously large flickers of flame inside me during situations I would normally shrug off my shoulders. I'd like to blame it on the fact that I've been sick since last weekend but I also don't want to be disappointed when that turns out to be wrong. I don't know what's gotten into me lately. Today, one of my best friends dropped the ball on something she'd been promising me since last week - she promised that he would come to our study hall to help her with something tech related that she needed to do. She didn't tell me a specific day because she didn't want me to turn it into a big deal. I can see where she's coming from with that point because I definitely was making a big deal about it; I'll admit to that. I wasn't running around yelling about it or something like that, but I was visibly excited when we talked about it. I was even trying to figure out her plan about which day he was coming - not that she even formulated a plan - and I was nervous about what I was going to wear. That is all very ridiculous because he shouldn't mean anything to me but for some sick reason...I cared. It was not a big deal in the scheme of things, but to me it was. I don't know if she understood that when she decided not to message him and I didn't want to say anything. After all, I had a feeling this was coming; I should have told myself it would never happen in the first place so I wouldn't disappointed. But you know, when you're giddy, you don't think negatively like that.
When she first told me she wasn't going to message him, I was upset. Then I was upset that I was upset because I shouldn't be. Then I was mad. I was mad because this was stupidly important to me and even if she didn't feel like doing it...she had promised me. Gosh, I was mad for like an hour, and I blurted it out to someone because I couldn't sit there and not say something.
Then a joking around argument turned real for a second...
Then I got defensive over music...

This is worrying me.

Warning?

I'm not usually one to be supersticious. If I break a mirror, then I'll get a new one. My first concern isn't that I'll have bad luck for the next years, and the same goes for when I walk under a ladder (not that I walk under ladders frequently). I don't believe in those ridiculous chain letters that tell me if I don't forward this to 15 people, the little girl from the Ring is going to jump out of my television and eat me alive. Even outside of supersticion, I'm normally a skeptical person. The only thing I'm reluctant to be skeptical about is my dreams. I don't know if dreams are somewhat based on the truth or something that will happen in the future, but I believe they are a continuation of your subconscious and maybe some of your lost thoughts. Topics that you avoid thinking about in general, maybe, or topics that you thought about right before you went to bed. Basically, I don't think dreams are sporadic and meaningless, which is why I feel the need to analyze the dream I had the other night. I'm fairly sure it was Thursday night. Anyway, in my dream I was walking in upper A hall with Kinnari and the boy previously mentioned in the last entry, (I'm having issues saying his name out loud or even in writing...I feel like that's making it too personal, something I'm striving to avoid since it can only go downhill from there.) He was on the left, Kinnari was in the middle, and I was on the right. We were walking towards the commons. I sort of felt bad for Kinnari since only him and I were talking and we were talking right over her, as if she didn't exist. I don't remember exactly what I was saying but in a roundabout way (without mentioning his name), I confessed that I liked him. I probably used some major hints like, "Oh, I just met a week or two ago but I haven't been able to get him off my mind...I think you would know him fairly well...*hint hint wink wink*" He definitely knew I was talking about him because he was smiling sheepishly. Then he said, "Oh, really? Well, I'm interested in someone too...I haven't known this girl for very long either, but I realized three days ago that I really like her."
By this point it was blatantly obvious we were flirting, or at least that's what I thought, I asked him what the name of the girl was, expecting him to say my name. Instead he replied, "Hannah."
FML.
What the hell is that supposed to mean? Does it mean I should give up (before I even try) on him because it's not going to work? That's the only message I can infer but oh god, I don't want it to be true. Maybe I need to forget about him now before it's too late and I get hurt again.
rirhtirurpohiopfihwporirohg.

Mixes

The other day I offered to make a mix for my friend but I ended up making two, one being laid back and the other kind of angsty and bitter. Here they are...

Relax and Understand
1. "Sodom, South Georgia" - Iron & Wine
2. "Talking Bird (Demo)" - Death Cab for Cutie
3. "Lack of Color" - Death Cab for Cutie
4. "All We Are" - Matt Nathanson
5. "World Spins Madly On" - The Weepies
6. "Red Eye" - Ace Enders & A Million Different People
7. "Giving It Away (Acoustic)" - Mae
8. "Strawberry Swing" - Coldplay
9. "Oh, It Is Love" - Hellogoodbye
10. "All Over Now" - Erin Hutchinson
11. "Little You & I" - Jason Mraz
12. "The Rush" - Dashboard Confessional
13. "Stigmatized" - The Calling
14. "Yellow" - Coldplay
15. "Brighter than Sunshine" - Aqualung
16. "This Time Around" - Howie Day
17. "She Paints Me Blue" - SoCo
18. "You'll Ask For Me" - Tyler Hilton
19. "Tune Out" - The Format

Cold Machine
1. "Welcome to Bangkok" - Brand New
2. "Styrofoam Plates" - Death Cab for Cutie
3. "Sore Thumb" - The Format
4. "LG Fuad" - Motion City Soundtrack
5. "Only Ashes" - SoCo
6. "Bury Me With It" - Modest Mouse
7. "The Taste of Ink" - The Used
8. "Not the Sun" - Brand New
9. "Peacemaker" - Green Day
10. "All Downhill From Here" - New Found Glory
11. "Bleed American" - Jimmy Eat World
12. "Bonus Mosh Pt.2" - Taking Back Sunday
13. "Breaking the Habit" - Linkin Park
14. "Basket Case" - Green Day
15. "House of Wolves" - My Chemical Romance
16. "Shake It Out" - Manchester Orchestra1
7. "Liar (It Takes One To Know One)" - Taking Back Sunday
18. "East Jesus Nowhere" - Green Day
19. "Given Up" - Linkin Park
20. "Chicago Is Two Years Ago" - Fall Out Boy
21. "It's Not a Fashion Statement, It's a Deathwish" - My Chemical Romance

I also made another mix for my friend Em, and I highly doubt she's listened to it or will at all, but I'm really into it, so I'll post that too.

Love and Some Verses
1. "Little Bribes" - Death Cab for Cutie
2. "Lovers in Japan/Reign of Love" - Coldplay
3. "Walcott" - Vampire Weekend
4. "Slide" - Goo Goo Dolls
5. "Runaway" - Mae
6. "Boy With a Coin" - Iron & Wine
7. "Come on Get Higher" - Matt Nathanson
8. "Over and Over Again (Lost and Found)" - Clap Your Hands Say Yeah
9. "Jesus" - Brand New
10. "Early Sunsets Over Monroeville" - My Chemical Romance
11. "I Can Feel A Hot One" - Manchester Orchestra
12. "Blacking Out The Friction" - Death Cab for Cutie
13. "Talk Shows on Mute" - Incubus
14. "Dig Your Grave" - Modest Mouse
15. "Green Eyes" - Coldplay
16. "At Last/Sleep All Day" - Jason Mraz
17. "Love and Some Verses" - Iron & Wine
18. "Standing in the Sun" - Howie Day
19. "Mad World" - Michael Andrews & Gary Jules


Mmm...
As pathetic as this sounds I'm actually proud of these.
I love how mixes set songs free
and simply rearranging them changes the story...

Unlike Me

As stupid as this may sound, today I did something I normally would never do. I legitimately skipped a class, although I guess study hall doesn't qualify as a class. But still, the idea remains the same. I consciously choose to sneak somewhere where I was not supposed to be...and all because of a stupid boy. I was told by Kinnari that the boy aforementioned in the previous blog had 7th lunch...the same period the two of us have study hall and Emily has lunch. How convenient. So Kinnari and I lied and said we were going to watch a resurrection and instead went to the commons. Of course Em sat at the table right in front of all the administrators, which definitely gnawed at my conscience the entire period, but we didn't get caught. I also didn't accomplish what I had hoped to...although I still don't fully understand what I hoped for. All I know is that I wanted to be around him...for even five minutes...that would have been alright with me. I don't know how in the world that would have naturally happened, but when my imagination runs wild, it is completely uninhibited. Everything seems plausible and I am always disappointed - with myself? with the other person? - when my daydreams don't come true. And they never have, so you'd think I would have learned by now. But apparently not. Thankfully I'm possibly seeing him later this week because he's coming to our study hall...thanks to Kinnari. Sometimes I don't know what I'd do without her. The fact that she doesn't really like him at all and she's going to suck it up just because I'm...intrigued...well, I appreciate that. If I'm being realistic nothing will happen and we won't talk and I'll force myself to give everything up again this weekend. This is probably how our limited conversation will play out:
Him: Hi.
Me: Hi.
Him: Where's Kinnari?
Me: I don't really know...she's late all the time so it's something I've stopped thinking about. She'll be here soon though.
Him: Oh, okay.
Then Kinnari will burst in and take over while I sit there and pray to God he says something else while not having the courage to do it myself.
Sigh.
Story of my life.
If I'm going to do ANYTHING, even open my mouth just once, I'm going to have to keep this lyric in my head. Right now it needs to pull me through and be a constant reminder...


This is where I am:

"I went broke believing

That the simple should be hard...

...I wasted, wasted love for you

Trading out for something new

Well, it's hard to change the way you lose

If you think you've never won."

This is where I need to be:

"...all our best intentions

Never lit the world on fire."

It's Been a While...

I don't know why I haven't been writing lately. It's strange. There were definitely times that I opened the page for a new post and stared blankly at the screen, unsure of what to write. I'm still feeling the same now but I'll just wing it anyway. I haven't had any dreams to write about and...my life hasn't changed much. It never really does, unfortunately. I wish it did.
There's only one month left of school but I feel like it's going to pass achingly slow. I also feel like, once it's over, I'll look back on sophomore year and remember it in a good light. But...maybe I'm being uncharacteristically optimistic.
Shit, I don't have anything else to say. Well, I do have one thing that I have only confessed to one person, and now I canot bring myself to say it again. I know I should tell my best friends, but something is stopping me. Every time I open my mouth the words running through my mind sound ridiculous and I clamp my mouth shut again. Maybe this is the kind of closure I need, a confession that hardly anyone is going to read and solely for the purpose of admitting it to myself. I think I need to face this (possible) fact head on before I toss the knowledge onto anyone else.
Anyway, here it is: I don't know how to word this because I'm confused about it...all I know is that I'm definitely attracted to and intrigued by a new guy. My friend created an inbox to plan a meeting afterschool and one of the guys in the inbox is going to be her DJ. I had absolutely no idea who he was, so I clicked to see his profile and I was just...intrigued by him. There's no other accurate way of wording it. I still have not said like, a single word to him because I am never the one to break the ice...but he friend requested me on Facebook. I thought maybe he friend requested everyone in that inbox just for the hell of it but when I checked other peoples' profiles...I saw that he didn't. He just requested me. Does that mean absolutely nothing or maybe a little something? I don't know what to believe. I can't even believe myself anymore (not that I had in the first place). The only thing I know for sure is that it's been almost three years since I've attempted to make an impression on a guy besides Tyler.
Wow.
I don't know what to do because as much and I have wallowed in the sorrows of being single...I'm terrified to be in a relationship.
I'm going to stop talking now because I'm getting way ahead of myself. No way am I going to set myself up for failure again.
I'm starting to think it would be best if I just isolated myself from the male population. I never know when I'm going to turn around and BAM! find a guy I can't stop thinking about for the next three days.
This whole situation is very unsettling, but I'm putting it out of my mind as of now. I'm going to sleep even though I did not accomplish as much as I wanted to.
Signing out with some lyrics from the new Green Day album, 21st Century Breakdown, which is fantastic by the way. I haven't been in the best of moods lately so maybe that explains why I'm attracted to these raging lyrics.

From "Before the Lobotomy"

Well I'm not stoned

I'm just fucked up

I got so high I can't stand up

I'm not cursed 'cause I've been blessed

I'm not in love 'cause I'm a mess.

From "Horseshoes and Handgrenades"

I'm gonna burn it all down

I'm gonna rip it out

Well, everything that you employ

Was meant for me to destroy

To the ground now

So don't you fuck me around

Because I'll shoot you down

I'm gonna drink, fight, and fuck

And pushing my luck

All the time now.

La La La I'm in Heaven

The number of recently added songs on my iPod is 99, and I am completely in heaven. 

The funniest thing about today was when I asked a worker at FYE if they had any Matt Nathanson albums (because I couldn't find any) and she kept rambling on about how she didn't know who he was. Yeah, because he's definitely a figment of my imagination I used to piss her off. Turns out they had Some Mad Hope but it was not in the right place...meaning they had no idea where it was and didn't plan on looking. After 15 minutes of looking myself, I gave up and figured I'd find it at Target or something. 

Anyway, some of the CDs recently added were borrowed from friends but today I spent some Christmas money and got these CDs.

Excuse me while I enjoy myself immensely.

At a Loss...

I need to write but I don't know what to write about. Sometimes I have the desire to write about something that happened in my life but then it hits me how insignificant one life is compared to the entire world...how trivial my failures and successes are in the grand scheme of things. Then all of a sudden, I don't feel like writing anymore. It all seems pointless, but I really need to write right now. I really do. When I write about what's happened, it becomes a story and I can detach myself from the situation. Except there's nothing to write about.
I need a good dream tonight.

I Must Have No Life

...because I miss JM.org already and it's only been a few days since I last logged on.

It's not even like I can s

pend time outside be

cause it's been dreary and rainy all week and shows no sign of clearing up.

To any and every weather god:

This is Trumbull, CT.

Not Forks, Washington.

Thanks a lot. 

On a bitter note, I'd like to

 say that I hate when people get everything they don't deserve.

Does it ever catch up to them? 

I find it hard to believe

 "everything that goes around comes around." There's just too much that never does.

Signing out, I'm loving this quote:

Impossible Questions

I've never been very good at answering these questions...
When you've just had an argument with someone, how do you handle it the morning after?
Do you confront them about it?
Try to make peace?
What if it wasn't nearly as big of a deal to them as it was to you?
Will you feel like a fool if they shrug everything off their shoulders yet it took you ten minutes to work up the courage to talk to them?
What happens if they don't talk to you, and it's actually a bigger deal than you thought?
What if they're one of your best friends
and the silence is killing you?

I don't know what to do, or if I should do anything.

Jesus Christ

This song will never cease to amaze me.

Jesus Christ, that's a pretty face

The kind you'd find on someone that could save

If they don't put me away

Well, it'll be a miracle.

Do you believe you're missing out?

That everything good is happening somewhere else?

With nobody in your bed

The night is hard to get through

And I will die all alone

And when I arrive I won't know anyone.

Jesus Christ, I'm alone again

So what did you do those three days you were dead?

Because this problem is gonna last

More than the weekend.

Jesus Christ I'm not scared to die

But I'm a little bit scared of what comes after.

Do I get the gold chariot?

Do I float through the ceiling?

Do I divide and pull apart?

Cause my bright is too slight to hold back all my dark.

This ship went down in sight of land

And at the gates does Thomas ask to see my hands?

I know you're coming in the night like a thief

But I've had some time, O Lord, to hone my lying technique.

I know you think that I'm someone you can trust

But I'm scared I'll get scared and I swear

I'll try to nail you back up.

So do you think that we could work out a sign?

So I'll know it's you

and that it's over

so I won't even try.

I know you're coming for the people like me

But we all got wood and nails

And we turn out hate in factories.

We all got wood and nails

And we turn out hate in factories.

We all got wood and nails

And we sleep inside of this machine.

Lights & Motion

Tonight I was thinking about carnivals. I pulled into the parking lot of the Milford mall expecting darkness only to be faced with flashing lights and constant motion. The entire parking lot was illuminated by the neon lights of the carnival and I was intimidated to even get out of the car. People flowed in and out of the entrance as different sized mobs, and here I was with my father, moving awkwardly through the throngs of people and praying I would make it to the door unscathed. The inside of the mall was just as crowded and it aggravated me to the point where I bitterly contemplated why teenagers would choose to wander around parking lots and and a mall for a carnival they are not officially attending. I soon felt hypocritical because that's how myself and all of my friends are. Most people go to carnivals to hang out with their friends even though it would be easier, not to mention cheaper, if they hung out at someone's house...which logically makes no sense but in another sense it does. Carnivals are figuratively cut off from the rest of the world, an enclosed area where everything is flashing or in motion. Carnivals create an alternate reality where you are practically living in an animated world. The most bizarre aspect is that once it is gone...once the bright lights have been turned off and the overwhelmingly large rides have been cramped into boxes and loaded onto trucks...after the world slinks back into its normal gloomy atmosphere...after all of that, you would think people would long for that animated ecstacy only something completely fake could provide. But in reality, when I drive by the parking lot of the middle school where the carnival resides once a year...I cannot picture it. I cannot see the parking lot as it would be for those few days of the year, and when it is there, I can no longer envision the parking lot.
Is everything that interchangeable? Is joy that false and ephemeral?
Ephemeral, yes...false, sometimes.
The things that make us most happy are not things at all, really...
They are uncontrollable emotions that we wish could last forever.

Someone Understands

Jealous

I have no problem admitting it. I am completely jealous of anyone seeing FOB tonight at Mohegan Sun. I'd probably go so far as to say I hate them all, for just a little while. I haven't seen FOB in almost two years...I miss them so much. It kills me that I saw someone's Facebook status that said they're going...and I wanted to...fucking scream. I hate how people who sort of like the band get to go, but I would sit outside all day for them and somehow I miss out on this. I hate that I can't drive.

I hate everything right now.

I MISS THEM. :(

Warm Weather is a Tease

For the past few days it's been in the 70's and 80's, and I am absolutely in love with the warm weather. Too bad it's going to drop to 60 degrees again tomorrow, the day after I finally drag my ass to the mall and buy some shorts for the first time in years. Oh, well...I guess that means I'll appreciate the warmth even more when it comes back.

Anyway...I haven't been writing here as much, and I don't know why. It bothers me because I finally convinced myself this was something I'd never give up on...unlike the pile of diaries from my childhood that lasted three days, a week at the most. This week has proved me wrong...or maybe I've been lying to myself the whole time. I do that a lot. The sad thing about it is that I always believe myself, for a little while. I've been doing that more than usual lately...lying to myself, I mean. 

Lying about a dwindling friendship that I tell myself is just fine, or that it's not my fault because I'm busy and don't spend a lot of time online...

Lying about a friendship that is progressing although I tell myself it's not just because I don't want it to...

Lying about caring for him, which I tell myself I don't...

How does my mother still think I'm an honest person when I can't even be honest with myself? 

And more importantly, since when did this entry turn into a depressed rant?

I'm forgetting I wrote this and taking a walk...enjoying the last of the sunshine.

Bye.

Ring Dance Rant

This is copied and pasted from the ranting thread...I don't feel like writing about this anymore.

Tonight was my high school's sophomore ring dance, and I was dragged into going by my friends. I wasn't upset, per say, that I didn't have a date, because a few of my friends didn't either. I just knew that it was going to be awkward during the slow songs, when everyone is in pairs...but I also knew I could cope with that.
So I'm sitting at a table with my friends and one says, "Oh god Laura, please don't turn around." Of course I turn around and the guy I've had strong feelings for since God fucking knows when is there with a girl from my grade. UM, HE'S A JUNIOR...I thought this was like the ONE school event where I didn't have to worry about him being there. I thought this was like a crazy nightmare and I was going to wake up... And of course the girl he's with is like this annoying as fuck girl who hasn't matured since FIFTH GRADE. I don't have like any self-confidence...but oh my GOD. JESUS. I know I'm better than her...I mean...that just made me feel like complete shit. Here he is (looking amazing....) going to the ring dance for the second time with a date, and here I am alone, on the verge of tears. It should have been a comfort that my friends were like, "If you need to cry I'll go in the bathroom with you"...but honestly it brought back the reality of the situation. Every time I forgot about him, he'd pop up again with that damn girl, holding her hand or dancing with her or something that made me want to fucking die of shame.

REALLY, I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU, NOR ANYONE, GRINDING ANYWHERE NEAR ME. I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW YOU WERE CAPABLE OF ALL THOSE...OBSCENE GESTURES.

Later, I found out that he had asked out another sophomore (who I thought liked him but now I guess she doesn't?). She said no, so he went to the dance with this girl to spite the other one. I don't care how much I don't like the two girls...that's fucking cold. That's wrong. That's just...I mean...any guy that does that is...I can't even think of a strong enough adjective.
So basically the whole night I was fighting the urge to confront him and smack him across the face...although there's still part of me that would give an arm and a leg to be in his date's position. I hate the fact that after years, he still affects me like this and I'm so powerless against his mere presence. It's pathetic.
I came home and my mother wanted to "talk about it," which wasn't a good idea because the more I talked the closer I got to breaking down. So before I said too much, I went upstairs, turned "Flightless Bird, American Mouth" on repeat, and cried.Now I don't even know how I'm feeling. There is way too much going on in my head and I'm way too tired to cope with any of it. This rant is too long and probably doesn't make a lot of sense. I don't expect anyone to read it either...I just needed to get it out of my system.

EDIT: Oh and I'm completely embarassed that I came home and broke down. I honestly thought I had my emotions in check and it's still humiliating for me even if no one else was there to witness it.Now it's 1:20 in the morning and I don't know why I'm still awake.

Too Tired to Think of a Decent Title...

I'm going to sleep soon.
But anyway.
I hate how I abandon people and lose connections without even meaning to...and I never realize until it's already said and done. This has been killing me lately, especially since one of my closest friends decided to not invite Em and I to her sweet sixteen party. I don't even like parties, but she means a lot to me as a friend, and to know that she invited people she's not even friends with over two people she spent all of last year with...it hurts. I'm not going to lie. I don't think she meant to hurt me or get me angry, but she did anyway. I would not mind going to the party and having a shitty time...just the fact that she cares enough to invite me would be alright. I barely see her anymore because our schedules are so different, but I talk to her whenever I can and...could I really have let this slip through my fingers?
I don't know if I should be upset with her or myself.