For some reason this past week has felt like the week before break. Maybe it was because I was crammed with so many tests and quizzes that by eighth period Friday after, I really just wanted to cry. I was so tired of stressing like mad over my classes and getting just decent grades. I know that because I'm in honors, it's different. Getting a B is the equivalent of an A. But still, my sister barely does ANYTHING and she can pull a 4.0. I was like that in middle school too, I guess I just miss being younger and not having as many responsibilites.
I'm also stressing out because, of all reasons, I don't know what I'm going to do with my life. I know I'm only a sophomore in high school, but I seriously think about it, a lot. I feel like everyone has their ideas and has found their place, but not me.
I feel like I always say, "Oh, I can't wait for this and that to happen" or "Well as soon as I get this or that over with, I'll be happy," but it never happens.
I'm wishing away time.
Minute by minute.
It freaks me out.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
When I Said That I'd Return to You, I Meant More Like a Relapse
I have two small stories to share from today, but I am really lazy right now, so I'm just going to copy and paste from my conversation with Amber.
Mwahaha.
WishWashedAwayx3 (3:27:44 PM): 1. I was at my locker this morning, and that friend, Jessie, she has to walk by me to get to her locker. Usually she comes later than me but happened to cross paths today. I didn't even see her, honest to God, cos I had music on, but I heard something that sounded like someone running.
WishWashedAwayx3 (3:27:50 PM): She practically RAN past me.
WishWashedAwayx3 (3:28:12 PM): I almost laughed out loud.
xnoxrewindsx (3:28:19 PM): I would've
WishWashedAwayx3 (3:28:22 PM): Like really...come on.
WishWashedAwayx3 (3:28:28 PM): Have some backbone.
xnoxrewindsx (3:28:36 PM): and #2?
WishWashedAwayx3 (3:28:41 PM): yeah, 2.
WishWashedAwayx3 (3:28:42 PM): So
WishWashedAwayx3 (3:31:20 PM): you know how Tyler hasn't talked to me in a few months. And he stopped saying hello to me, so I stopped looking at him. Well today, I walked by him like I do every day. I always turn away, but for some reason he was all friendly today, and he put his hand on my shoulder as I walked by and he was like, "hey Laura!" Then after bio, I was walking down the stairs as he was coming up, which happens EVERY DAY. Nothing new, but he said, "hey Laura" again and smiled. Not like, I'm saying hello cos I feel obligated kind of way, like he's done before. It was a real smile. I mean he was just in a good mood, but still, I'm so dumb I had tears in my eyes after that.
WishWashedAwayx3 (3:31:23 PM): WOW NOVEL.
xnoxrewindsx (3:34:52 PM): aw
xnoxrewindsx (3:34:52 PM): I'm blogging right now, heads up
xnoxrewindsx (3:35:05 PM): welAre you looking at it as a good or bad thing?
WishWashedAwayx3 (3:36:21 PM): Bad because it's not helping me ignore him, good because I love the ridiculous feeling I get after he acknowledges me. Haha.
xnoxrewindsx (3:39:55 PM): well
xnoxrewindsx (3:40:01 PM): tough situation
So yeah, that's where I'm at right now.
I was doing so well at ignoring him. I didn't even have any spontaneous urges to IM him.
But now I do.
It's different though, somehow, because I want to talk to him to actually have a conversation, and even though I relapsed a whole lot today, I think I would have the ability to be friends with him and be alright with that. Not even care that we'll never be together like that. For real.
It's weird, but it's a good feeling.
Although I don't understand how I would explain that to him.
Because I'm proud of myself, and he has a right to know.
Mwahaha.
WishWashedAwayx3 (3:27:44 PM): 1. I was at my locker this morning, and that friend, Jessie, she has to walk by me to get to her locker. Usually she comes later than me but happened to cross paths today. I didn't even see her, honest to God, cos I had music on, but I heard something that sounded like someone running.
WishWashedAwayx3 (3:27:50 PM): She practically RAN past me.
WishWashedAwayx3 (3:28:12 PM): I almost laughed out loud.
xnoxrewindsx (3:28:19 PM): I would've
WishWashedAwayx3 (3:28:22 PM): Like really...come on.
WishWashedAwayx3 (3:28:28 PM): Have some backbone.
xnoxrewindsx (3:28:36 PM): and #2?
WishWashedAwayx3 (3:28:41 PM): yeah, 2.
WishWashedAwayx3 (3:28:42 PM): So
WishWashedAwayx3 (3:31:20 PM): you know how Tyler hasn't talked to me in a few months. And he stopped saying hello to me, so I stopped looking at him. Well today, I walked by him like I do every day. I always turn away, but for some reason he was all friendly today, and he put his hand on my shoulder as I walked by and he was like, "hey Laura!" Then after bio, I was walking down the stairs as he was coming up, which happens EVERY DAY. Nothing new, but he said, "hey Laura" again and smiled. Not like, I'm saying hello cos I feel obligated kind of way, like he's done before. It was a real smile. I mean he was just in a good mood, but still, I'm so dumb I had tears in my eyes after that.
WishWashedAwayx3 (3:31:23 PM): WOW NOVEL.
xnoxrewindsx (3:34:52 PM): aw
xnoxrewindsx (3:34:52 PM): I'm blogging right now, heads up
xnoxrewindsx (3:35:05 PM): welAre you looking at it as a good or bad thing?
WishWashedAwayx3 (3:36:21 PM): Bad because it's not helping me ignore him, good because I love the ridiculous feeling I get after he acknowledges me. Haha.
xnoxrewindsx (3:39:55 PM): well
xnoxrewindsx (3:40:01 PM): tough situation
So yeah, that's where I'm at right now.
I was doing so well at ignoring him. I didn't even have any spontaneous urges to IM him.
But now I do.
It's different though, somehow, because I want to talk to him to actually have a conversation, and even though I relapsed a whole lot today, I think I would have the ability to be friends with him and be alright with that. Not even care that we'll never be together like that. For real.
It's weird, but it's a good feeling.
Although I don't understand how I would explain that to him.
Because I'm proud of myself, and he has a right to know.
Monday, December 8, 2008
Violet Sunrise
I have a lot of things I need to get down in this blog, and not a whole lot of time. I was planning on starting with what I want to say from a few days ago and working my way to the present, but I feel the need to talk about this morning. It started off bordering between average and crappy because, for one, it was a Monday, and also, my laptop crashed TWICE. Just when I needed it to print a study guide. I marched out of the house saying angrily, "Dad, the goddamn laptop is breaking, again." Then I walked outside and saw the most beautiful sunrise I'd ever seen. If it weren't for the fact that I was almost late because of my bipolar laptop, I would have gone back into the house to get my camera. The sky looked as if it was splattered with hot pink paint and smudged with a bit of violet. I was in such awe, I couldn't move for at least thirty seconds. For some inexplicabe reason, it made my morning that much better, and I was almost sad that the image had disappeared by the time I got to school. What was even sadder was that no one else seemed to notice. I understand that it's only 7 AM but really, that sunrise woke me up. It made me feel almost bad that I sleep well past 10 AM on the weekends.
Anyway, back to a few days ago:
I've been having odd dreams lately. I had one the other night in which Meghan was there, and I didn't remember until the next day what happened. But I also don't want to forget. No reason in particular, I just want to have this in writing. I remember going to her house, which was quite a long drive. Most of the walls instead had glass and whatever wasn't glass was polished wood. It was pretty, and the main theme of the colors was different shades of blue. There wasn't a whole lot of backyard, but there was a forest behind, which was pretty, so it wasn't much to complain about. I sat cross-legged on Meghan's bed and we talked while her mom and my mom made lunch in the other room. They made chicken, which was really ironic, since I had just watched Girl, Interrupted and part of me never ever wanted to eat chicken again. It was good chicken in my dream, and then after lunch we drove to my high school. It should have been hours away, but for some reason it only took a few minutes to get there. We were parked in front of the school and someone came out of the building and walked towards us. The car windows were tinted and I leaned forward, pointing, and said, "Right there."
Except I still don't know who was walking towards us.
Another dream from Saturday night:
I was walking around Stop & Shop with my guitar teacher, except it looked more like BJs because the ceiling was so high. There were a lot of people there, and I couldn't make out their faces, but I distinctly remember the feeling of the store being crowded. The two of us were walking down the aisles, talking, and I noticed that everything was a shade of gray or brown. It wasn't even very light in the store, but it could have been because it was dark outside. We got down to the other side of the store, where all the produce was arranged in aisles that looked more like a farm set up. There were rows of produce almost like when you plant things in a line on a farm. I'm not describing it well, but I also don't work on a farm, so I don't know how to word it. Anyway, my guitar teacher and I are kneeling on the ground, and the kid from my classes, he comes, with some short girl next to him. I'd never seen her before, not even in real life, but he didn't seem to care for her all that much. He turned to look at me, and almost thought he was going to say something, but he didn't.He just turned around and walked away.
I walked home alone (and discovered it was indeed gray outside) and when I came home, the kid from my classes was sitting at my kitchen table. He was eating a tangerine (that's what I get for recently finishing This Lullaby). My parents came up the stairs and I turned and snapped on them. I remember demanding, "Get him the fuck out of my house. You don't get it. I can't be near him. Just get him out."
I marched into the room after this hissy fit, and came back when I had cooled down. Thankfully, he was gone, and my parents told me they found him passed out on the sidewalk, probably from being drunk. That wouldn't have surprised me. He's sweet, but he hangs out with druggies. After that I felt bad, but not because he was passed out drunk on my sidewalk. I felt bad because I had this strange feeling that I could have taken the opportunity to comfort him. To get close than I would have on any normal occasion. After all, it's always in the weakest moment that someone of the opposite sex moves in. The other one is unlikely to refuse at that point.
I woke up feeling strange.
Another note to add to this crazy long blog: Recently I read the book Girl, Interrupted after watching the movie. It was different, but I could see how they needed to change the plot for cinematic purposes. The movie made more sense as a movie, but the book was still intriguing. There were a few passages in particular that stuck out to me. Partially because I think they're interesting and partially because I've felt the same way:
- "Every window on Alcatraz has a view of San Francisco."
- "In our parallel worlds, things happened that had not yet happened in the world we'd come from. When they finally happened outside, we found them familiar because versions of them had been performed in front of us. It was as if we were a provincial audience, New Haven to the read world's New York, where history could try out its next spectacle."
- "I was like an anchorite with a hair shirt. Part of the point was that nobody knew about my suffering. If people knew and admired - or abominated - me, something important would be lost."
- "Isn't there some other way to look at this? After all, angst of these dimensions is a luxury item. You need to be well-fed, clothed, and housed to have time for this must self-pity."
I very much agree with the last two, which I realized afterwards may not be the best thing. The author is writing about her experience in a mental institution. I don't know, maybe I am crazy. Maybe everyone is crazy, and all the crazy people are sane.
I had this crazy feeling the other night. I was sitting in the car on the way home, and for some reason the seatbelt would not budge. I couldn't bend forward because it would lock every time I tried. Usually I get frustrated by this and fiddle with the seat belt until it loosens again. But this time, I let it be. It felt strangely nice to have something holding me, keeping me locked in place.
Even if it was only a seat belt.
This is why I should never read books about crazy people. I start to question my own sanity.
Anyway, back to a few days ago:
I've been having odd dreams lately. I had one the other night in which Meghan was there, and I didn't remember until the next day what happened. But I also don't want to forget. No reason in particular, I just want to have this in writing. I remember going to her house, which was quite a long drive. Most of the walls instead had glass and whatever wasn't glass was polished wood. It was pretty, and the main theme of the colors was different shades of blue. There wasn't a whole lot of backyard, but there was a forest behind, which was pretty, so it wasn't much to complain about. I sat cross-legged on Meghan's bed and we talked while her mom and my mom made lunch in the other room. They made chicken, which was really ironic, since I had just watched Girl, Interrupted and part of me never ever wanted to eat chicken again. It was good chicken in my dream, and then after lunch we drove to my high school. It should have been hours away, but for some reason it only took a few minutes to get there. We were parked in front of the school and someone came out of the building and walked towards us. The car windows were tinted and I leaned forward, pointing, and said, "Right there."
Except I still don't know who was walking towards us.
Another dream from Saturday night:
I was walking around Stop & Shop with my guitar teacher, except it looked more like BJs because the ceiling was so high. There were a lot of people there, and I couldn't make out their faces, but I distinctly remember the feeling of the store being crowded. The two of us were walking down the aisles, talking, and I noticed that everything was a shade of gray or brown. It wasn't even very light in the store, but it could have been because it was dark outside. We got down to the other side of the store, where all the produce was arranged in aisles that looked more like a farm set up. There were rows of produce almost like when you plant things in a line on a farm. I'm not describing it well, but I also don't work on a farm, so I don't know how to word it. Anyway, my guitar teacher and I are kneeling on the ground, and the kid from my classes, he comes, with some short girl next to him. I'd never seen her before, not even in real life, but he didn't seem to care for her all that much. He turned to look at me, and almost thought he was going to say something, but he didn't.He just turned around and walked away.
I walked home alone (and discovered it was indeed gray outside) and when I came home, the kid from my classes was sitting at my kitchen table. He was eating a tangerine (that's what I get for recently finishing This Lullaby). My parents came up the stairs and I turned and snapped on them. I remember demanding, "Get him the fuck out of my house. You don't get it. I can't be near him. Just get him out."
I marched into the room after this hissy fit, and came back when I had cooled down. Thankfully, he was gone, and my parents told me they found him passed out on the sidewalk, probably from being drunk. That wouldn't have surprised me. He's sweet, but he hangs out with druggies. After that I felt bad, but not because he was passed out drunk on my sidewalk. I felt bad because I had this strange feeling that I could have taken the opportunity to comfort him. To get close than I would have on any normal occasion. After all, it's always in the weakest moment that someone of the opposite sex moves in. The other one is unlikely to refuse at that point.
I woke up feeling strange.
Another note to add to this crazy long blog: Recently I read the book Girl, Interrupted after watching the movie. It was different, but I could see how they needed to change the plot for cinematic purposes. The movie made more sense as a movie, but the book was still intriguing. There were a few passages in particular that stuck out to me. Partially because I think they're interesting and partially because I've felt the same way:
- "Every window on Alcatraz has a view of San Francisco."
- "In our parallel worlds, things happened that had not yet happened in the world we'd come from. When they finally happened outside, we found them familiar because versions of them had been performed in front of us. It was as if we were a provincial audience, New Haven to the read world's New York, where history could try out its next spectacle."
- "I was like an anchorite with a hair shirt. Part of the point was that nobody knew about my suffering. If people knew and admired - or abominated - me, something important would be lost."
- "Isn't there some other way to look at this? After all, angst of these dimensions is a luxury item. You need to be well-fed, clothed, and housed to have time for this must self-pity."
I very much agree with the last two, which I realized afterwards may not be the best thing. The author is writing about her experience in a mental institution. I don't know, maybe I am crazy. Maybe everyone is crazy, and all the crazy people are sane.
I had this crazy feeling the other night. I was sitting in the car on the way home, and for some reason the seatbelt would not budge. I couldn't bend forward because it would lock every time I tried. Usually I get frustrated by this and fiddle with the seat belt until it loosens again. But this time, I let it be. It felt strangely nice to have something holding me, keeping me locked in place.
Even if it was only a seat belt.
This is why I should never read books about crazy people. I start to question my own sanity.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
I Have So Much To Say
AND NO TIME.
Really, even though I just blogged yesterday, I have so much I need to get down in writing.
But I don't have the time now, and even if I finish my schoolwork before I have to go to bed, I want to read.
UGHH.
This is just a reminder to myself not to forget everything.
Really, even though I just blogged yesterday, I have so much I need to get down in writing.
But I don't have the time now, and even if I finish my schoolwork before I have to go to bed, I want to read.
UGHH.
This is just a reminder to myself not to forget everything.
Saturday, December 6, 2008
I Can't Afford To Get Into This Again...
Sometimes it amazes me how convenient blogging is when it comes to procrastination. Right now I am putting off studying for an insights test I have on Tuesday, but we play a review game for bonus points the day before, so I need to be prepared. Plus this test has a "new and exciting format." Which basically means it's the opposite of exciting. I won't have time to do much tomorrow since I'm being dragged to see Mamma Mia at the Shubert theater.
Really? Are you serious?
I voted to see Footloose, which was one of the three choices, the third being Cats. We eliminated that one immediately, because frankly, that's a little awkward. Especially if one of us happened to be in one of the seats where the "cats" crawl on your lap. I am squirming just thinking about that. So I voted for Footloose, because I mean, it's FOOTLOOSE people, come on. But everyone else voted Mamma Mia, so fuck me, I still have to go. As you can see, I'm a little bitter about that. I'm also bitter about the fact that one of my friends is going. We used to be really close but now we just wave and smile in the hallways, and that's about it. I just don't want it to be awkward for her. The people going are me, my sister, my mom, and another family. The other family happens to consist of my best friend, my sister's best friend, and my mom's best friend.
Tell me, wouldn't you feel out of the loop too?
Oh.
And.
I am confused as to how I'm feeling right now...because there's this guy.
I don't even know why I'm fucking thinking about this. I don't want to care. I'm not even going to elaborate.
He's in two of my classes and he's extremely sweet to me. I don't know if he's flirting or if he's just like that with girls.
And every time I see Tyler with his frigging girlfriend, I want to die.
So I feel completely uncomfortable giving this kid a second thought.
Hopefully this is out of pure desire for revenge and I don't get myself into something I obviously cannot handle.
I'm pissing myself off just writing this.
Jesus.
I need to fucking study.
Really? Are you serious?
I voted to see Footloose, which was one of the three choices, the third being Cats. We eliminated that one immediately, because frankly, that's a little awkward. Especially if one of us happened to be in one of the seats where the "cats" crawl on your lap. I am squirming just thinking about that. So I voted for Footloose, because I mean, it's FOOTLOOSE people, come on. But everyone else voted Mamma Mia, so fuck me, I still have to go. As you can see, I'm a little bitter about that. I'm also bitter about the fact that one of my friends is going. We used to be really close but now we just wave and smile in the hallways, and that's about it. I just don't want it to be awkward for her. The people going are me, my sister, my mom, and another family. The other family happens to consist of my best friend, my sister's best friend, and my mom's best friend.
Tell me, wouldn't you feel out of the loop too?
Oh.
And.
I am confused as to how I'm feeling right now...because there's this guy.
I don't even know why I'm fucking thinking about this. I don't want to care. I'm not even going to elaborate.
He's in two of my classes and he's extremely sweet to me. I don't know if he's flirting or if he's just like that with girls.
And every time I see Tyler with his frigging girlfriend, I want to die.
So I feel completely uncomfortable giving this kid a second thought.
Hopefully this is out of pure desire for revenge and I don't get myself into something I obviously cannot handle.
I'm pissing myself off just writing this.
Jesus.
I need to fucking study.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Monday, December 1, 2008
I Feel Guilty, But Not Really
I don't know where everything stands right now. Today was a pretty bad day, and despite all the ranting and raving I did this morning, I went to track practice. I found out this year there are going to be try outs because of budget cuts. (Get a load of this: we're wasting a ridiculous amount of money ti build a pool at my high school...when there's a pool at the middle school...that is located NEXT DOOR. Really, if these swimmers are athletic, they should be able to walk a few hundred feet.) So now there are legitimate try outs, not like last year, where you just showed up if you wanted to participate. They're timing the sprinters on the 100, 200, and 400. First of all, I am not a great runner. At all. Not only does my lack of height put me at a disadvantage (since when were all the female runners tall?!), but I have really bad breathing. I can handle the pain in my legs, but I always end up half suffocating myself to death. I am not doing these try outs. Last year I almost passed out while running the 300 and do not plan on trying it again. Plus, I have guitar lessons on Saturday so I wouldn't be able to make the meets. I don't mind just going to practice, but because of these cuts, they're not accepting that.
My mother is frustrated with work and all the home renovations ("THAT LIGHT IS FLORESCENT, I DON'T WANT A FLORESCENT LIGHT, I SAID NO FLORESCENTS!") that she doesn't even want to deal with it anymore. She won't discuss it and when I talked to my dad, we gave both our sides of the situations. He wants me to try out anyway, but that's like telling someone scared of heights to go climb Mt. Everest. I will freak out if I have to run a 400. I told him the decision was ultimately mine, and it's not going to kill me if I don't do indoor track. It really isn't. I know I won't gain any weight because I can keep it steady, and even lose weight, as I proved over the summer.
My point of this blog was that I didn't REALLY go to practice. After warm ups, my friends and I went to "get our jackets" and didn't come back. No one cared anyway. We got changed and waited till after 4 to call my mother, and worked on our homework. I feel guilty about it, sort of, and I felt kind of guilty doing it, but it was liberating at the same time. It was finally me saying, you're not going to tell me what I need do anymore. All of my friends decided not to do it, and I'm sure they won't get any complaints from their parents. This is what I get from having an overprotective parental unit.
So I don't know if the shit is going to hit the fan if I come home on the bus tomorrow. I don't know if the subject will just be dropped and nothing will be said.
I don't know, but I do know I need to do my homework now.
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