Committment Sucks

Tomorrow I start on the Special K diet.
Wooo.
It's not exactly fun but it will be beneficial because you can lose up to six pounds in two weeks, which is probably better than I could do. I don't know. I lost about a pound in the last four days. So yeah, Special K is better.
I'm enjoying my last Nature Valley bar while I can.

DON'T LET ME QUIT.

Nightmares and a Run In

I've been waiting for a week or two to have a dream worth writing about, or to even have a dream at all. But that doesn't mean I asked for nightmares.
Both of them happened this week, one of them being last night, and Tyler was in both of them. Surprise, surprise. In the first one, I was sitting in the commons at my usual table near the senior lounge. I was in lunch except I was sitting facing the opposite side. Usually, Tyler sits all the way across the commons, but him and another boy from my bus were sitting at the table next to me. They were facing the same direction as me, so both of them could see my back but I couldn't see them unless I turned around. But I never turned around even though I knew they were there. I minded my own business and half listened to the conversation my friends were having. Out of nowhere, Tyler and the other boy got up and came over to stand next to our table. Both of them started yelling at me and screaming that I needed to leave them alone, which I was already doing...so I have no idea what they were talking about. They kept yelling in my face and wouldn't stop even though I was screaming, "I don't know what you're talking about!" over and over. What was scary was that the longer they yelled, the taller they grew. They were rising before my eyes and I felt like I was shrinking under their wild yells. Then they said something bizarre. They called me a "y." Like, the letter y. For real. I have no idea what it means, but they kept yelling things like, "You're such a y!" and "Why are you such a y?!"
I have no idea what any of that means.
Last night, I had another dream that I was in the commons, except this time I was on the other side by the brick pillar that Jessie and I used to meet by. I was with her, except there was a mattress lying on the ground where one table should be. I don't know if every table was replaced by a mattress because I didn't look around, and there were so many people I couldn't see much of the floors if I wanted to. I was sitting on one side of the mattress and Jessie was on the other. Tyler was standing farther down, holding an iPod that looked more like Lee's. (Ellary was looking through his iPod the other day, and we were both sitting near him in math...so that makes sense.) It was an iPod Classic with a black leather case and black headphones. He was swinging the headphones around like a lasso and I gave him a funny look when he saw me. I laughed a little and he did a double take, noticing my reaction. He swung the headphones faster and came over to me. He asked what I was laughing at, what was so funny, and I told him he was turning those headphones into a lethal weapon and he might want to tone it down a bit. He smiled and came to sit down next to me on the mattress. We talked for a few minutes but didn't look at each other. I was sitting facing one way and he was facing the other, but after a few minutes I leaned against him. I distinctly remember the warmth radiating from him and I never wanted to move. I felt so relieved, happy that we were able to be around each other without me feeling the need to impress him and him being burdened by how I felt for him. It was nice for a few minutes, and then, out of nowhere, he jumped backwards and started yelling at me again. He was yelling the exact same things he said in the other dream, minus the "y" comments. I was so shocked that I didn't know how to retaliate. I sat there and started to cry while he kept yelling at me.
He has been in so many of my dreams and nightmares that I'm starting to think my subconscious is telling me something. There must be a part of me that knows I should forget about him, that knows my feelings for him are twisted and would never work. I guess that's why...nothing happened. And even though I figured this out...and I've known I need to get over him for a while...I don't know what to do.
Because the less intelligent part of me doesn't know how to let go. And doesn't want to.
Now, here's where I started freaking out. For real. What happens next is no dream. This morning, I went with my dad to Stop & Shop because he fractured two ribs and I felt bad. So I went with him to push the cart and load the bags and such. We were waiting in the checkout line and I practically did a triple take. Out of all the people, out of all the places...Tyler was in Stop & Shop at the exact same time as me. Even as I watched him walk past me, I convinced myself I was hallucinating and this was some bizarre double dream. I was sort of hoping he would notice me and say hi, but I was sort of hoping he wouldn't because I was scared he would start yelling at me again...even though that makes no sense because how would he know that he was in my nightmares? (I always feel like that...like someone knows how much I think about them just by the way I look at them or something...or they can read my mind...) Anyway, he didn't notice me at all. I watched him walk away and started slapping my dad, because I slap things when I freak out or get flustered. I asked him if Tyler was really there, or if I was imagining things. He said I wasn't imagining things but I should stop slapping him. I calmed down until Tyler started walking back towards us with his father...I think I might have fractured another one of my dad's ribs with that last slap...
How weird is that.

I Miss This Book

"If you’re male
and you’re Christian
and living in America,
your father is your model for God.
And if you never know your father,
if your father bails out
or dies
or is never at home,
what do you believe about God?"

"Me,
with my punched-out eyes
and dried blood,
in big black crusty stains on my pants,
I’m saying
HELLO
to everybody at work.
HELLO!
Look at me.
HELLO!
I am so ZEN.
This is BLOOD.
This is NOTHING.
Hello.
Everything is nothing,
and it’s so cool to be ENLIGHTENED.
Like me.
Sigh."

Living on Impulse

On Sunday, Marisa and Katie came over, which was a pleasant surprise considering they had been threatening not to on account of the snow. But they came anyway, and it was such a great time. Marisa had an assignment for her photography class, so after lunch we all decided to take a walk down to the lake. It seemed like an alright place to take pictures. After a bit of arguing, our parents allowed us to walk there. They didn't have an issue with Marisa and I walking down the main road alone, but they were nervous about us neglecting to keep an eye on Christie and Katie. They might get hit by a car or something, or at least that's what they said. It wasn't an outrageous idea either. Katie is a blonde and she has plenty of moments. We started walking up the street and after a minute or so, my dad's car started tailing us. We started yelling at him to go back home and when he didn't, I jumped in the middle of the road and held my arms out, daring him to hit me. He stopped the car in front of me and put my foot up on the front bumper, yelling at him to go home. When I started to climb on the car, he backed away, and even though the neighbors could have called the cops, it was fun. We got to the lake and took some pictures, one of which I had to take off my sweatshirt and lie on the ground to take. Marisa refused to lie down in the wet sand even though I said she would have to learn to "sacrifice herself for art!"
Now I have a bruise on my hip from lying on a rock.
We started walking home and decided last minute to stop by my grandparent's house. Christie called their house, yelling and yelping loudly into the answering machine until they decided to pick up. She said, "We're coming. Seeeeeee ya!" She didn't even ask if we could come. We just cut through a yard or two and hopped onto their back deck. We spent a half hour at their house, eating pickles and cashews and ignoring phone calls from my dad wondering where we were. My aunt was there and she gave us a ride back home in her pickup truck, which was probably the best part of the whole day.
It was depressing when they had to leave. Everything sunk into the dreary monotony of a usual Sunday. I started wishing I could live like that every day. I want to wake up and not have a strict schedule of what I'm going to do that day. I want to enjoy the spontanuity of being alive rather than dragging myself through a to do list. I want to live my life on impulse, do things when I want to and not worry too much.
I wish I could be ambitious without being uptight.
I wish I could let go.
Of a lot of things, people, places...
I wish I could do something besides wish.

Favorite Photos

Mae @ The Space

Alright, so I'm a few days late on updating my blog. I've been kind of busy and have neglected my blog since Friday night. Better late than never, though.
Anyway...
I went to see Mae at The Space on Friday night, which I was really looking forward to. I started listening to them when I was twelve years old and as much as I love them, they were one of those bands that I just assumed I would never see live. Whenever I went on their website, they either weren't touring or weren't coming near me. It was a pleasant surprise to stumble upon tickets to a show on a Friday night that is so conveniently close to me. None of my friends are big fans of Mae (half of them don't know about them) so I went with my family. My whole family decided to come since the singer of Forget Paris, one of the opening bands, is my sister's chorus teacher. Another card in my favor. Mmm, yes.
We got to the venue at 6:30, an hour before doors were supposed to open, and I thought I was imagining things when I saw there were only five or six people in line. For real? I'm here this late and still going to get front row?
Well, I sure ain't gonna COMPLAIN about it.
They ended up opening the doors early since it was raining pretty hard. The "stage," which was actually a six inch high hunk of wood pushed up against the back wall, was in the basement. It wasn't a dingy basement either. Everything was clean and organized, even if a little bit cramped. There was a couch pushed up against the opposite wall which I almost walked into on my way in. On the left was the merch and on the right a bar/food counter. There was even a few tables with barstools. I was very impressed, considering this place was barely half the size of my house.
Although there were people already downstairs, no one claimed front row, so I had an awesome view. I was literally standing against the stage. Apparently, two of my sister's friends were coming, which I had not found out until after we left the house. I wanted to be angry, but my excitement about the upcoming show withered my anger down to slight annoyance. At least it wasn't her ~boyfriend. One of them was Jessie's cousin/neighbor though...which was a little awkward. I didn't know if she knew about the fallout between Jessie and I, but the looks she gave me implied she might. Or maybe she's always snotty.
The show started 7:30, a half hour earlier than expected. The openers were local bands, the first being The Tired and True. They weren't anything special, but they were also very young. They must have been in high school or maybe not much older than high school students. I realized the drummer was one of the boys sitting on the couch I almost walked into earlier. Hmm. The second band was The Ghost Sonata, who was A LOT better than I expected. I think that's one of the best aspects about shows: when you go for the headliner and end up falling in love with one of the opening bands. My sister said they reminded her of Death Cab for Cutie, which I can sort of see, but to me they sounded like Brand New. I could barely understand what the singer was saying; in fact, I could barely hear the vocals in the first place, except for when he sang loudly. But when he did, he sang well. I hope to see more from them in the future and will be keeping an eye out.
Ironically enough, while Forget Paris was setting up, Brand New's Deja Entendu was playing over the speakers. They played about half of the CD because it took a long time for the bands to set up. That was the only major problem with the show. There were multiple technical difficulties, people missing and having to be called to the stage, and instruments adjusted mid-song. Maybe I noticed all of this because I was front row, because overall, it didn't take away from my ability to enjoy the show. It was just something I noticed.
Now, I'm happy I'm not in my sister's grade or in her school, because then it would probably be awkward for me to say that her teacher is DAMN good looking. Wow-ee. I think I had more fun watching him than listening to their music. Their music wasn't bad, but I've heard the same sound from a million different bands. Join the club, boys. They were enjoyable to see play, but their type of music blends in with hundreds of other bands when put on a disc. But, the fact that Tyler Cohen (my sister's teacher) plays the piano is a definite bonus. It adds a nice touch to their songs.
But it was a little gross when he decided to shake his sweat all over me. :
Anyway, Forget Paris finished after a few songs and Mae started setting things up. I absolutely loved how Weezer's "Pork and Beans" came on over the speakers and everyone setting up was singing along. At one point, Dave grabbed a microphone and started mouthing the words until someone else stole it from him. "Viva la Vida" started playing while they were testing out the instruments and everyone started testing the keyboard and guitars to the rhythm of the song. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only person who finds things like that adorable, but whatever.
In a few words, Mae was AWESOME. They did the best they could with such a small space, considering they have six members on stage and screen set up for visuals. It was set up a little awkwardly because the projector and screen were in the middle of the stage, where the drummer is normally situated. So the drummer was pushed off to stage right, with the guitarist and bassist in front of him. The singer was to the left of the projector and the keyboardist pushed all the way to stage left. Their show, along with their sound, was much too big for the cramped basement they were playing in. It's a shame seeing such a talented band receive less than they deserve, but they made it work all the same. They played a fourteen song set, mixing both their new and old music, which made me ridiculously happy. I lovelovelove their old music.
This isn't in order, but here's what I remember from the setlist:
The House That Fire Built
Futuro
Suspension
All Deliberate Speed
Brink of Disaster
Embers and Envelopes
This Time is the Last Time
Skyline Drive
Just Let Go
Soundtrack for our Movie
Rocket
Summertime
Someone Else's Arms
Now, that's 13, so I know I'm missing one, and I think it's Sometimes I Can't Make it Alone. It's either that or This is the Countdown.
Excuse my stupidity. :(
After the show, the bassist gave me a signed guitar pick and I got a picture with Dave. The Space was literally closing in five minutes so there was no time to talk, which sucked. I wish I could have talked to him. I didn't get to meet the drummer, but my sister and I said hi to him while they were setting up and he smiled at me a few times during the show. He seemed sweet and I wish I could have talked to him, too.
That always happens to me, though. I always get into my car or go home thinking, "Oh man, I should have done this" or "I should have said this instead," and I get myself down thinking about it. But this time I'm not going to let myself dwell on the what I wish I could have done. The night was way too enjoyable to focus on the downsides.

YAY!

That is all for now, but I think that pictures alone says enough. :) :) :)

More in the morning.

I came here with the intention of writing about the show the other night, but I'm too tired and it won't come out in coherent sentences.

So yeah.

Be back later.