Books & Such

I don't really have anything to say, but I have to return the Stephen King novel to the library tomorrow and I wanted to save a few quotes that stood out to me. These are from Desperation...I highly recommend it to anyone who enjoys his novels.
Anyway...

" 'Yes, right, a pretext. It's like how, in the old horror movies, a vampire can't just come in on his own. You have to invite him in.'
'Why?' Cynthia asked.
'Maybe because Entragian -- the real Entragian -- was still inside his head. Like a shadow. Or a person that's locked out of his house but can still look in the windows and pound on the doors. Now Tak's in my mother -- what's left of her -- and it would kill us if it could...but it could probably still make the best Key lime pie in the world, too. If it wanted to.' "

" David shrugged. 'Nothing. It doesn't matter. What matters is that God never makes us do what he wants us to do. He tells us, that's all, then steps back to see how it turns out. Reverend Martin's wife came in and listened for awhile while he was still talking about the free-will covenant. She said her mother had a motto: God says take what you want, and pay for it.' "

" 'Listen to me, David. I'm going to tell you something you didn't lean from your minister or your Bible. For all I know it's a message from God himself. Are you listening?'
David only looked at him, saying nothing.
'You said God is cruel the way a person who's lived his whole on Tahiti might say, snow is cold. You knew, but you did't understand.' He stepped close to David and put his palms on the boy's cold cheeks. 'Do you know how cruel your God can be, David. How fantastically cruel?'
David waited, saying nothing. Maybe listening, maybe not. Johnny couldn't tell.
'Sometimes he makes us live.' "

I also reread Coraline by Neil Gaiman because I plan on seeing the movie this weekend. Again, a few quotes...

" It is astonishing just how much of what we are can be tied to the beds we wake up in in the morning, and it is astonishing how fragile that can be. "

" 'The world will be built new for you every morning. If you stay here, you can have whatever you want.'
Coraline sighed. 'You really don't understand, do you?' she said. 'I don't want whatever I want. Nobody does. Not really. What kind of fun would if be if I just got everything I ever wanted? Just like that, and it didn't mean anything. What then?' "

" 'Thank you Coraline,' said the other mother coldly, and her voice did not just come from her mouth. It came from the mist, and the fog, and the house, and the sky. She said, 'You know that I love you.'
And, despite herself, Coraline nodded. It was true: the other mother loved her. But she loved Coraline as a miser loves money, or a dragon loves its gold. In the other mother's button eyes, Coraline knew that she was a possession, nothing more. A tolerated pet, whose behavior was no longer amusing. "

Another Snow Day

We had another snow day, which was nice because I got to sleep in and do nothing all day. Aside from going for a walk (in the pouring rain, might I add), I didn't do anything except read and make pizza. I rented a movie last night, since everyone basically assumed we were going to have the day off, so I'm watching that in 20 minutes. But it will probably be sooner because I don't have much to say.

I'm wishing I wrote down my dream from last night as soon as I woke up, because now I can barely remember any of it. I know that Jessie was in it, because she keeps frigging IMing me and I feel like a bitch by ignoring her, so we "talk," I guess. God. This isn't part of my dream, this is real. So last night she IMed me before I had to go to sleep, and she ended up being in my dream. I remember that I was at the Milford Mall with Marisa, and we were wandering around the toystore, which was so brightly colored I felt the need th squint my eyes just to keep from going blind. I was walking around with the laptop in one hand, and typing with the other. Jessie wouldn't stop talking to me, and I remember smacking my gum loudly and telling Marisa, "This bitch never shuts up." Jessie said something about how she misses coming over my house, and before I knew what was going on, she basically invited herself over my house. I told Marisa we had to go back home. I wanted to tell Jessie to get the fuck out, but in my subconscious I knew I wouldn't be able to do that, not matter how badly I wanted to. Sure enough, when she showed up at my house, I turned my cringe into a forced smile and welcomed her. She wouldn't leave, and two hours later I was lying on the couch, letting her jump around and talk endlessly while I nodded and said, "mmhmm" at necessary parts. At the same time, there was some party going on at my house. Not a real party, you know, not the kind where there's flashing lights and dirty dancing and a DJ. It was the get together kind of party, with people milling around drinking and making small talk. My dad poked his head in the room and shot a glare at Jessie before turning to me. That was the worst part of it, I think...the fact that parents thought I was stupid and had no backbone by allowing her into the house. In real life, actually, my mom never liked the idea of Jessie and I being close friends. It just took me a long time to realize she was absolutely right.

She was fucking annoying.

She was dependent and clingy.

But I had been friends with her for so long that I kept her around just because I didn't know how to let her go. Still, I had done it eventually, and now in my dream world, my parents were disappointed in me again. I felt so ashamed. I moaned about my sister having stupid hoes for friends and here I was, relapsing and hanging out with the one friend who had never been and never will be good for me.

My dad said something about Tyler being here, and I did one of those palm-to-forehead smacks. I had been so preoccupied with loathing myself that I forgot I had invited him. I never thought he would come, but apparently he did. I bolted out of the room only to find the house bare and empty. There was a car turning out of the driveway and up the street, and when the car passed underneath the streetlight, I saw the outline of Tyler's face in the driver's seat.

New Semester

I'm happy midterms are over, but I'm not looking forward to gym. I'm going to miss my journalism class, and switching study halls almost every day is going to get annoying. But I can cope, easily. What I find strange about people, myself included, is that we always complain about our lives, and how we wish school was out and certain classes were over. But when summer comes along, despite the fact that it's nice to be out of school, you find yourself missing the people you saw every day and sitting in those classes. And by the time you go back to school the next year, everything will be changed again. People will look different, mostly older, and you will be sitting in new seats in new classes with unfamiliar. So as much as I'm complaining about school now, I'm going to take it one day at a time and not wish anything way, because in a few months I just might want it back.

On another topic, I'm not very good at being photographed, but there were a few decent photos from Friday night...

I don't particularly like the first one, but my friend was so damn excited when she took it, I had to post it. She thought I looked great, but I guess that's just her opinion. Personally I like the last one.

I'm just not a dress person.

Not Meant for the Party Scene

Last night was one of my best friend's sweet 16 party. I've known Kinnari since I was in 4th grade, and I've been close with her ever since she decorated my tree with flowers in the fifth grade. I don't usually go to parties if they're something big like a sweet 16, but Kinnari knows me too well. She would have known damn well if I said I couldn't go just because I didn't feel like it. Plus, she pretty much cornered me into unintentionally saying yes. She asked me if I had any plans for the Friday that midterms ended, and I said I didn't think so. She kept asking, "Are you suurree?" until I said, "Yes, I have no plans." And right then, I was roped into going to her party. First of all, wearing a dress was extremely awkward. I am not fond of wearing dresses in the first place, but because of that, when I do, everyone freaks out. They are all yelling at me, in an excited kind of way, and flashing cameras and telling me how pretty I am, as if it's that much different when I'm wearing jeans. It's partially flattering, but mostly overwhelming. Also, I don't dance. I'm pretty much incapable of dancing, especially in front of people, but if the music is really great, like at a concert or something, I can't help but dance around. Last night, though, was basically four hours of the worst music I've ever heard. Every song had the same frigging beat and...I don't even know. It was almost to the point where I needed to walk out of the room so I wouldn't have to hear it. Every ten minutes, one of my friends would literally drag me onto the dance floor, where I proceeded to stand there awkwardly until they looked away and I was able to escape. I was tired of smiling for cameras and making stupid conversations and basically lying through my teeth when Kinnari asked me if I was having a good time. Kinnari awkwardly danced with the guy she likes, twice, and I'm happy for her, but it also makes me plain depressed about myself.

When you love someone, you start giving up pieces of yourself to become what you think they would want you to be. You know they will never love you as you are now, so you coordinate your outfits around when you see them. If you bought a new shirt on Monday, but you pass by him in the halls on Wednesday, then you'll wait until Wednesday, even though the sensible part of your brain knows that it doesn't really matter. You pick up their phrases and their hand movements, and when they're upset, you're the one aching. When you love someone enough and you finally realize you might not have a fairy tale ending, you know what it's like to love and hate at the same time. You find it necessary to show them up, to be blunt when they smile and wave, or to look extra good not to impress them, but to make them wish they had gone for you to begin with. You make sure you're walking with someone, or laughing at a friend's funny comment, when they walk by, despite the fact that they're not even looking, and if they were, well, they don't give a damn.

Sue Me, I'm a Liar

I am a liar, but on second thought please don't sue me. This morning I asked my mother what I should do about staying after with the freshman from my journalism class, and she said that there's no right or wrong answer, and she's not going to tell me what to do, just that sometimes you need to do things for yourself and not others. So I messaged her on Facebook and said that my mother neglected to tell me I had a dentist appointment until the day before and I'm sorry but I can't make it after school today. I sent it early this morning and spent my free exam period nervous that she would find me and ask personally if I could come. I am a bad liar, and I might as well have, "THIS ISN'T THE TRUTH" stamped onto my forehead.

On the bright side, I didn't see her, but she messaged me back and said it was fine because she stayed during her lunch period instead. How convenient.

A few days ago, I was on the bus and Kinnari was talking to Liz, this girl who lives on my street. I've known her since kindergarten, and she's one of the sweetest girls I've ever met. So I can't say I have any envy or hidden rage towards her after hearing this, but apparently she likes Lee...that guy I thought I liked for two weeks or so. What's even worse is that he was texting her all night over the weekend, and saying some things I'd really rather not repeat.

I must be the type of girl who falls for guys that would rather watch me hit the ground.

Too Nice?

I don't know if being too nice is such a bad thing, but in some circumstances, I feel like it is. Around people I like or respect, I am always nice to them and considerate. But I feel that sometimes I give up too much for the sake of someone else, and they would not do the same for me. It makes me wonder whether I should continue living like this, or take karma into my own hands and treat people how they treat me. This is possibly a stupid example, but today I had my algebra midterm first thing in the morning, and then since I have 4th period lunch, I could leave early. I could have been out of my high school by 10 AM at the absolute latest, but I ended up being in school until 1 PM. It was one of those incidents where I took on too many things without realizing how I would regret these decisions later on. Originally, my plan was just to have my father or grandfather pick me up from school after my algebra midterm. However, my friend also had 4th period free and wanted me to stay with her. She wanted to study for bio with me, and even if we procrastinated studying, spending two hours with her is always pleasant. I agreed because I didn't want to make someone come and pick me up when I could always stick it out for two more hours and take the bus. While these thoughts ran through my mind, I wondered briefly if this was a legitmate reason or if I was trying to convince myself that it was. Then, one of the girls in my journalism class sent me her articles to edit, and mentioned that she was staying after in Mr. B's room both Wednesday and Thursday. Without thinking properly, I offered to stay after with her. After all, I am here editor. She said that was really nice of me, which was all the validation.
It wasn't until this morning that I realized I did not want to do either of these things. Really, I wanted to go home and take a nap and read a little, and then be rested so I'm not exhausted when I study for bio. I stuck through the two hours of doing NOTHING in the commons and then stayed after with the girl from my journalism class. Did I mention that I almost had a heart attack because I realized that she never emailed me back to confirm she was staying after? Yeah, I practically ran into Mr. B's room and asked breathlessly, "Is Allison staying after?!"
She was, to my relief. But it was also on the verge of torturous because, unsurprisingly, she has no layout done. Does she honestly expect to fill and properly lay out three pages in a few hours? It's not such a stretch for me, but I've been laying out in Adobe In Design for a year. I know how to work the program. She doesn't. I'm willing to help her, but really, should I be taking an hour and a half of my free time because she waited until the last minute to work on this? It is not even my project, and I was more anxious than she was.
I wonder if some of my actions are within reason, or if I convince myself they are.

On a spontaneous note, I am officially in Outsiders withdrawal. My uncle, who teaches alternative, drop out, and special education students in Shelton or Stratford or something with an "s," had his classes read the book. I don't know if it's part of the curriculum or if he thinks they can relate because half of them are probably in gangs. They finished the book, and apparently the class enjoyed it, which is good. Two or three weeks ago, my uncle borrowed the DVD from me, and now I miss it. Maybe knowing that it's not in my house, knowing that I cannot watch it if I want to, is what's making me miss it so much. Either way, I wanted to watch it as sort of a celebration of me making it out of my midterms alive and unscathed. Oh, well. I have Kinnari's sweet 16 party this Friday night anyway. Part of me is looking forward to it because I get to see my close friends, but part of me is absolutely terrified because
A) dresses make me feel awkward,
B) put me in anything but flat shoes and I will break something; "something" applying to both body parts and breakable objects
and
C) I don't dance.
I don't even have the ability to dance. That cotton eye joe shit everyone knew in elementary school was way over my head.
Also, I simply don't have the ability to loosen up and unravel like that in front of people.
That sort of makes it sound like I'm one of those people who blasts dance music while home alone and dances in her socks and a boa, with a brush as a makeshift microphone.
I am not one of those people.
I just don't dance.
Worst of all is that all of my friends are going to push me to do it, and they don't realize I can't.
Kinnari told me, "I'll get Liz and Jill and we'll teach you how to be a hoe on the dance floor!"
How am I supposed to say no without sounding like a bitch or letting them down?

2 Down, 3 To Go

I had my spanish and english midterms today, so that explains why I'm home early, although I would be home earlier if we didn't have a delay. Usually I pray for any extra sleep I can get but I wanted to get my midterms for the day over with. I got out at 12:50 instead of 11:25...but I guess it's not that big of a deal.
Tomorrow I have algebra, and then I'm hanging with Raksha in the commons because 4th period is my lunch.
There's obviously no midterms for that.
Then I'm staying after with the girl from my journalism class, because I'm her editor. I'd really rather go home, but you know...she needs my help, and I was in her position, I'd be pissed if my editor couldn't come because she didn't feel like it. So I'll go. Plus, it will take the stress away from Friday. That's when the journalism midterm is, and I don't have one because I'm in journalism II, but my job is to help out the J1 kids. They're pretty much slackers...which is why I'm nervous for Friday. I told them what they needed to do, and if they don't get it done...well, is that really my fault? The only other thing I could do is physically make them do it, or do it for them.
I'm going to stop stressing and make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.