Usually I'm here to rant about other people, but today I feel the need to rant about myself. Because honestly, I'm probably the cause of all my problems and insecurities. Oh, and I don't feel like studying for my bio quiz. I know I will, soon...just not now.
So anyway.
I don't understand why I can't let things go. Why I build attachments only to find out I can't detach myself, no matter how much I want to or how much I try. Yet at the same time, when it comes to writing and such, I can't seem to finish anything. I lose the connection and inspiration too fast. My newest story is going quite well, taking its time but steadily progressing, But I'm referring to my older stories, the ones that are still sitting there in my documents, unfinished and gathering more dust as each day goes by. I mean, as much dust as computer documents can gather.
I'm never satisfied with myself. I feel like every day is spent trying to mend my flaws, but the next morning I'm falling apart at the seams again. Nothing I do is ever up to my own standards. Am I skipping lunch because I'm not hungry or because I want to lose weight? I don't know anymore. I don't know if anything I think is the truth or if it's just my mind making an excuse. My friends yell at me when I don't eat lunch, or I don't eat when we go out, and they tell me to "shut up and eat, cos you're damn skinny as it is."
But I'm not. Are they trying to make me feel better about myself, or being honest?
I really really don't think I am skinny.
I'm frustrated that I can't lose weight.
I'm frustrated that I'm not taller.
I'm frustrated that I come home from school in a bitchy mood every day, just because I had a long day or I was in a bad mood and pretended to be happy so my friends weren't concerned.
I'm sorry my bitchy mood causes me to be a bitch to my family.
Sometimes I just want to be alone.
I'm also frustrated that I have the urge to lash out at my friends when they reach out and ask what's wrong because they care.
I mean, I love them. I wouldn't trade them for the world. Which is why I don't quite understand why I feel irritated.
This whole damn blog frustrates me because I can't just be happy with myself.
There.
Phew.
That was a nice release.
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4 comments:
Laura, you need to eat dear. Even if you don't want to, it'll cause you way more problems in the future.
And if you ever need someone to talk to, I'm always here for you, my PMs, facebook, here. Whatever you want. And even if you just feel like yelling at someone and taking your anger out on them, you can come to me if you want to.
I hope you feel better, because you're amazing and nothing should make you feel like you're not.
just really seconding what erins said
you need to look after yourself, for your sake, for your friends sake.
just know that you must be pretty damn good because you have so many people that care, including someone on an entirely different continent. so don't judge yourslef too harshly.
Erin's right, you're amazing, don't ever doubt that
Laura, you are one of the nicest, most genuine people I have ever talked to, and we're all serious when we say that too many people care about you to let you hurt yourself emotionally, or even physically. And I know it might be hard, but just think about all the good things about yourself, like Arthur said, we're from different countries, but there's always someone who cares, don't you worry.
Thanks, guys, really. It means a lottt. I don't know why but it feels easier to talk to all of you than some of my other friends.
I don't think I'll ever forget how much you guys care. :)
<3
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