Weak in the Knees.

I don't care what anyone else says. "Lonely for Her" is, personally, a great Jack's Mannequin song, and possibly one of my favorites. I always related to it so well, I mean, if you change the "her" to "him." Particularly:

"I'm uneasy

And I'm weak in the knees

And I'm trying not to breath

Not believing

Not believing you're gone

And that I was the one to let you..."

Andrew has always had this way of putting exactly what I'm feeling into words, but this hit the nail on the head. Exactly. And after today, I truly understand what he means by "uneasy and weak in the knees." As I said before, Tyler has been ignoring me for almost four weeks. I know I said I wasn't going to use his name, but fuck it, really. He's never going to read this. And even if he does, he doesn't care anyway. What does it really matter.
Anyway, lately I'd been growing increasingly frustrated with myself that I couldn't look at him. He would walk by, and my mind would turn cartwheels, debating whether or not to say hello or wave or smile or even make any eye contact at all. Usually, I made no eye contact. Usually, I hung my head, as if I had something to be ashamed of, and walked right on by. Let him walk right past me.
Today he was wearing yellow.
Boy, do I love yellow.
So my friend and I are standing by the podium, our normal meeting place before mine and his lunch and her band class. Most of the time she stayed until after the bell rang, risking punishment, to talk to me. She did the same today, except more. I saw Tyler across the commons, by the senior lounge, and knew that I would end up passing by him on the way to my table.Some part of me freaked out more than usual, and words started tumbling out of my mouth, saying stupid things like, "Shit, I can't do it! I can't walk by him! I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M GOING TO DO AHHH LOOK AT HIM."
My friend offered to walk me to my table, you know, for moral support, and as we reach out intersection point, Tyler raises his hand slightly, nods, and says, "Sup guys?" My friend told me that as he came closer, I began to squeeze her arm to death. I don't remember doing that, and I don't remember saying hello back, or whether my friend say anything back or not.
I just remember yelling a goodbye to her after she turned around, then walking mindlessly to my table. I stood over my chair for a moment, trying to pull out my homework, but my hands weren't cooperating anymore. I could feel my knees shaking and I quickly sat down, knowing I would fall if I remained standing.
I was giddy the entire lunch.
He only said hello because I wasn't alone.
The girl sitting across from me told me I was silly.
I'd like to think he looked me in the eye, though.
I am so silly.