Thursday, February 26, 2009

Stop All The World Now

I bought this album when I was about thirteen and never listened to it much. Over the past few days, I have discovered how absolutely wonderful it is.
It's light and feels like spring, which is what I need right now.
I can see it becoming a summer album too, as the weather improves.
Ah, I love this feeling.
I suggest you all give this a listen. I was going to pick the special edition album cover to post here, because that's the one I have, but I love both album covers. I couldn't resist.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

PARTY TIME!

Hahahahhahahaaahhahahaha.
Oh. Yes.
I can't believe how ironic this is, since I was walking into algebra class the other day thinking about when Tyler and his girlfriend were going to split up. I used to be forced to see them before algebra's because his girlfriend's classroom is next to mine and he used to walk her to her class. Except he stopped that a few weeks ago. I had to see them a lot in the hallways, and when it was just about starting to kill me, it stopped. My wish was granted, in a way. So I was walking into algebra class and thinking about that, knowing it will most likely be June before they break up, yet wishing for it to be sooner. They're obviously not going to last forever. And it's not that I would benefit from him being single, since he made it blatantly obvious that he does not give a damn about me. But stil, vengeance is oh so sweet, and it would be glorious all the same.
You don't need to remind me. I know I'm being a selfish bitch.
I logged on Facebook right before 8 PM last night, and there it was.
Now listed as single.
HA.
I even double checked on his profile just to make sure it wasn't my mind playing a cruel joke on me. It wasn't.
I cried for at least ten minutes, out of this bizarre happiness.
If I were to be a decent person, I feel sorry.
If I were to be an honest person, I am not sorry in the least.
Kinnari told me that I should message him on FB or IM him and say that I'm sorry for him. But then I brought up the point that I would probably end up saying something like, "I'm sorry EXCEPT NOT REALLY BECAUSE I WAS WAITING THIS FOR SO FUCKING LONG! VICTORY! IS! MINE!"
I doubt that would go over well.
Plus, I don't know any details whatsoever. I don't know who broke up with who. Therefore I can't say anything to him (not that I was FOR REAL planning on it anyway) because if he broke up with her, then it was his decision and it'd be awkward to say I felt bad. It was his decision.
But I don't know what happened.
I'm guessing & hoping she broke up with him because that's just more sick pleasure for me and it makes sense. She's a senior and he's a junior. She doesn't want to get married. She's probably going to college next year unless her goal is to be a McDonald's cashier. So yeah. Or maybe he's not manly enough for her.
Hahahahahhahahahahhahahaha.
I'm going to do homework now and stop this sick, happy rant before it gets the better of me.
I think it already has.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

It's Not Me, It's Sunday

I'm depressed, again, but I'm not blaming it on myself this time. Maybe I'm feeling down because it's Sunday, especially because it's the Sunday before break ends. Or maybe I'm just trying to make excuses for feeling bad. It's not even like I did nothing today; I almost finished research for my insights final, and I did my biology homework. But I don't feel like I accomplished anything. I don't ever feel like I accomplish anything. I feel like I have all the tools to do something worthwhile or make a difference, whatever the hell that really means, but I don't know what I'm supposed to be building.
I don't even have anything to write.
I lied, I do have one thing. Does the fact that I need to get the fuck out of this town, out of this STATE, is that something? I just need to leave. I don't know for what purpose, but I can't stand this fucking place. My parents lecture me on how they want me to stay in the state for college, but they also lecture me on how I need to get out of the house. It's not my fault that my sister is...enigmatic, I guess. She has tons of friends, even if they're not the best people, and she loves to go out and...party. I don't. Am I supposed to apologize for that?
I feel like I should but I know I won't.

Oh look, the Oscars.
I'll go distract myself now. Waste some more time,

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

These Made Me Smile

Fight Club and Benjamin Button.
Mmm.





Monday, February 16, 2009

Let The Right One In

After almost two weeks, I finally finished this book. Two weeks doesn't seem that long for the average person to read a book, but for me, it is. The beginning was intriguing, and then it slacked off a little, which is why I didn't pick it up as much in my spare time. About halfway through, it got really good, and it wound up being more disturbing than I ever thought a Swedish vampire novel could be.
Oh, and it's better than Twilight.
But I think my dog could write a better vampire novel than Twilight.
...just saying.
Anyway, I started putting sticky notes next to quotes I particularly liked, because I always want to get them down here but can never find them when I go back. So this shouldn't take too long. Here are said sticky-noted quotes...

"My happiness, my future was the only thing you heard. Real love is to offer your life at the feet of another, and that's what people today are incapable of."

"'Hakan?'
'I love you.'
'Yes.'
'Do you love me, even one little bit?'
'Would you do it again if I said I loved you?'
'No.'
'I should love you anyway, you mean.'
'You only love me to the extent I help you stay alive.'
'Yes. Isn't that what love is?'
'If only I thought you would love me even if I didn't do it...'
'Yes?'
'...maybe I would do it again.'
'I love you.'
'I don't believe you.'
'Hakan. I can manage for a few more days but then...'
'Make sure you start to love me, then.'"

"It was school. That's all. This was school. They told you to do a lot of things and you did them. The whole thing had been invented so the teachers would be able to hand out photocopies. It didn't mean anything. He could just as well be writing Tjippiflax, Bubbelibang, and Spitt on these lines. It would be equally meaningful.
The only difference actually would be that his teacher would say it was wrong. That it wasn't the correct name. Then she would point to the map and say, 'Look, here it says Chungking, not Tjippiflax.' Pretty weak argument, since somebody had made up the names in the geography book. Nothing spoke for it being true. And maybe the Earth was really flat, but this was being kept secret for some reason." \

"Her pupils were so large that they almost filled the whole iris, the lights from the building reflected in the black surface and it looked like she had a distant city in her head."

"If you thought about it, it was actually pretty sick. To do this. Burn people up, save the ashes, bury them in the ground, and then call the spot 'Grave 104, Section D.'"

"'This is complete utter insanity.'
'Yes, but that's how it is.'"

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Talk About Luck!

Okay so I have a lot more to talk about than what I'm about to say but I'm in the middle of a JM.org chat and if I type a lot in this blog I'm going to fall asleep on the keyboard. And that would not be comfortable nor safe for the computer. So I will make this short and snappy and only say what is on my mind AT THIS MOMENT, which happens to be EXCITING NEWS.
Mae, who have been one of my favorite bands since I was 12, are playing in Hamden, Connecticut on a Friday two weeks from now. I think. It's the 27th. Hamden happens to be where the Donenfelds live, AND Forget Paris is one of the opening bands. My sister's chorus teacher happens to be in that band. Both my sister and I want to go and it would be REALLY sweet if her teacher could get us backstage or something. I would kill to go and write about it for the school paper. I'm so tired but I'm so wound up at the same time. My mom was already asleep when I found out about this, so I have to wait until tomorrow morning to ask her. She probably won't answer me because we're having a "family brunch" bullshit thing at noon, so she'll be all jittery and nervous and "preparing," but it's worth a shot. Besides, I'm actually doing most of the preparing since I can pretty much cook now as long as I'm given a recipe.
IWEHR WIEUT9EUTRWUGT I'M SO EXCITED.
I don't even have permission to go and I'm excited.
WHADAFUCK.
I have more to talk about tomorrow but for now, GOOD NIGHT.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

?!

Okay now my blog is just fucking up. It keeps posting randomly, in the middle of my sentences. Anyway, once again, I went along with what Pijar was saying, and before I knew what was going on, he was rambling about how annoyed he is with the principle and I kept nodding, not knowing how to respond. I was afraid to agree in case this was some sort of trap he was luring me into, trying to get me to admit I didn't like our principle. Then my dream stopped, out of nowhere, in the way that dreams do, and then I was in my classes at the end of the day, and everything was shades of blue and violet. I forgot to mention this before but everything was sparkling too, as if we standing in the midst of a nighttime sky. It was gorgeous. It must have been my seventh period study hall, because I was walking around what slightly resembled a library with Kinnari. I was eating snacks I bought from a vending machine, and the two of us were walking on light blue clouds, surrounded by endless indigo. There were buildings and such barely visible outside our range of view, which does make it seem like we were in the sky or something. The clouds were supposed to be stairs, and when we reached the bottom, we saw Tyler and his girlfriend going up violet clouds, and I thought about...I don't know...following? saying something?...but then they disappeared, as if the clouds had pulled them in.

...I'm Smart

I'm really stupid. I just posted without meaning to.
ANYWAY...
The half-dog version of the dean of students was asking me what was up, and I didn't really know what to say but I went along with it because it's sure as hell better than getting in trouble. When I asked what was

Must Have Been Trippin'

For the most part, all of the dreams I have that revolve around school are nightmares, or at least not the happiest of dreams. But on Monday night, my dream was...gorgeous. I swear to God, it was like I was tripping or something. I was at school, but every classroom was painted with bright colors and seemed to vibrate rhythmically, as if the school itself had a pulse. I would have figured it to be a video game-esque dream, but I've had one of those before, and although it might have looked like that, it certainly didn't feel like that. My morning classes consisted of sunset colors: pink, orange, yellow(ish), and a little bit of red. After fourth period, I had gym (like I normally do), so I went to the locker room, which was dark and small. Instead of a large room, there was a thin hallway and I could see my gym teacher hunched over her desk like a dead cockroach in her office. I made the impulsive decision to skip gym and left through the entrance, emerging between the commons and the senior lounge. I was surprised to see that the hallway, usually vibrant and alive, was bleak, as if the hallways shut themselves down when classes were in session. I turned into C hall, hoping to find Kinnari in the spanish classroom, even though I have spanish with her and I don't know why I'd be looking for her in there. But sometimes dreams don't make any sense like that. Although the school seemed dead, I got down on my hands and knees and began to crawl along the floor in hopes of avoiding being caught. When I was reaching B hall, I heard and noise behind me and turned to see Mr. Pijar, the dean of students...except he was a dog. He sort of reminded of the dog/man thing in The Shining (not the movie; I mean the way I pictured it in the book) because he had a dog's body, but his facce clearly resembled a human. He had tan fur, much like the little bit of hair he has on his head, with dark and floppy ears. I froze for a second, thinking he was going to scold me, but instead he started walking by my side, asking how I was doing and what was u

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Monday, February 9, 2009

5 Things I Love

On the bus ride home, my friend Liz came up with this game and me, her, Kinnari, and Alex all came up with five things we loved. We decided to do it every day and I think it's a good idea, especially on a bad day.
Mine for today were very general since it was our first time around but I think they will become more specific as we go along.
1. Music
2. Writing
3. Knowledge
4. Love
5. Possibilities
I'm going to write them down here so I don't ever forget.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Fa-reaky Dreams

There's really nothing going on in my life that is either interesting or exciting to write about, so I'm going to talk about my dreams. I had some pretty strange ones this weekend, and I noticed that my bizarre dreams always occur on weekends. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I sleep more or my mind isn't as jumbled on weekends so I remember my dreams when I wake up...I don't know. There could be another reason or there could not be a reason at all.
Anyway, on Friday night I had a dream that I took a plane to Michigan to visit Amber. I must have taken a taxi from the airport to her house because no one in my family was with me. It was summer because I had a t-shirt on and no jacket, and it just felt like summer. Amber was in her backyard making lemonade on a glass table, and she was wearing jeans and that black Jack's shirt we both have. Everything got blurry for a minute because I don't remember greeting her or anything. The next thing I remember is sitting in Amber's backyard drinking lemonade when her mom pulled up to the side of the road in her van. I don't remember what she looked like. She told us to get in the car because we were going somewhere, but there were multiple fences between the yard and the side of the road, all of them different heights. I thought we were going to walk around front or something, but Amber started jumping over the fences like it was nothing. She even did a backflip over one of them, which amazed me at the time, but now when I get the image in my head I giggle a little. So I sort of did some lame hops over the fences and got in the van. Amber got in the driver's seat and her mom moved to the back, where my sister was also sitting. She definitely hadn't been on the plane with me, so I have no idea how she got there, but she was there. I sat on the right, my sister was in the middle, and Amber's mom was all the way on the left. I still couldn't see what she looked like because my sister was blocking the view and all I could see was her right leg. She was wearing white jeans. That's all I know. Also, in my dream, Amber had a little brother who was nine or ten years old and looked exactly like my friend's little brother did when he was that age. He was surprisingly chipper, compared to Amber, and he insisted on explaining the importance of a seatbelt and buckling mine because apparently I am incompetent of doing so myself. We were riding down a highway with a lot of billboards when my cell phone rang, and it was my mom. She asked me where I was and I replied, "I'm in Michigan visiting Amber!" She said, "Okay, call me when you're coming home," which is not like her because she would flip a shit if I flew to another state without telling her. She would flip a shit if I crossed the street without telling her, but in my dream she was alright with it. We went to a carnival type thing where we did...some game I forget...and then bumper cars, where this kid with a glowing gas mask chased us out. Amber and I were laughing because it was a joke, but my sister freaked out so bad that she couldn't unbuckle her seatbelt and was stuck in her bumper car. The boy with the gas mask was carrying a tank that was emitting a fog, so I couldn't see what happened to my sister after we ran. He looked like Wybie from Coraline, which makes a lot of sense considering I saw that movie a few hours before I went to sleep.
Amber and I bought cotton candy, even though I don't like cotton candy, and we were going to walk to the movies, but I woke up.
FYI, this is what Wybie looks like. He actually had a gas mask type thing in the movie, but I couldn't find a picture that included it.
That's about it for Friday night.
Last night, my dream revolved mainly around the plot line of Stephen King's Desperation. There was something killing people very fast...and I don't know if it was a person or a natural disaster type thing...which I guess would make it more like The Day After Tomorrow. The atmosphere was desert-like, though, which made it seem more like Desperation. I don't mean that I was in a desert. I don't really know where I was, actually, but I'm just saying that the dream as a whole had a desert feel to it. Anyway, there wasn't any gore in my dream, but I knew my family was dead. It was just one of those things I knew without knowing how I knew it. I was alone and wishing someone was with me, and eventually I found a group of people I recognized. I can't name them because I don't remember what they looked like, but they brought me to a safehouse or something of the sort, where we stayed for a few days, waiting for something I don't know about to die down or stop. After a few days, another group of people was found, and they were my friends. To name a few off the top of my head, I recognized Mark, Sam Mott (even though I'm not friends with her...), Raksha, Amisha, and so on. Marisa wasn't there so I looked for Kinnari. She wasn't with any of the groups in the makeshift shelter, and I started to panic. I asked Mark where she was and he told me she was killed. Not even that she died, but that she was killed by something. He didn't get into specifics because I guess he thought I didn't want to hear them, but my mind was running wild and producing images of her being eaten by a gigantic spider and other gruesome things. I started crying because I was starting to get the feeling that everyone close to me was dead, and I would spend the rest of my life alone. Raksha noticed how upset I was and said, "Well only Kinnari died. Everyone else is still here."
Then I woke up.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

There Goes My Friday Night

I was supposed to see Coraline tomorrow night with the Donenfelds, but apparently Marisa isn't coming anymore because she has plans, even though she knew she was seeing this movie with me on opening night since the day we saw The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. But she decided she didn't want go and made other plans instead, without even telling me. She left it up to my mother to tell me 24 hours before the movie that she doesn't want to come and I'm stuck with Katie and my bitch of a sister. Yay? I'm still going because I want to see the movie, but this was just proof that I invest too much of myself in other people. I value them too much, and it comes as a painful shock every time I realize they don't value me as much. I'm sure Marisa doesn't mean to hurt me or anything, but she does it all the same.
And I would see the worst movie in the world if she wanted me to go see it with her.

There's not much else I have to say... Nothing out of the ordinary is going on in my life, which is alright but horribly monotonous and boring. Every day is the same schedule, the same thing...
That's why I need summer, or something to break this. During the summer, I do everything on impulse to make up for strict schedule from the past ten months.

I finished reading American Psycho and I need to get down the quotes I liked, but I need to re-find them first. I should have marked them with sticky notes or something, but I don't have the time nor do I feel like going back at this moment. Maybe tomorrow.

Oh, and I get my Outsiders DVD back in four days.
But who's counting, right?

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

WHAT WHAT WHAT

JACK'S TOUR DATES.
OHMYGOD.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
THERE ARE NO CONNECTICUT DATES BUT THE CLOSEST ONE IS MASSACHUSETTS WHICH ISN'T VERY FAR I MEAN I'VE BEEN THERE FOR SHOWS BEFORE. SO IT'S OKAY. AND IT'S ON A FRIDAY WHICH IS NOT AS BAD AS A WEEKDAY BUT NOT AS GOOD A WEEKEND BUT I CAN DEAL WITH IT. SO ANYWAY I'M SCARED TO EVEN BROACH THE TOPIC WITH MY PARENTS BECAUSE THEY WON'T EVEN GIVE ME A STRAIGHT ANSWER ABOUT BAMBOOZLE AND I ASKED THEM ABOUT THAT IN NOVEMBER. I BET THEY'LL SAY NO BECAUSE MY MOM HATES ME FOR NOT WANTING TO PLAY SOFTBALL AND MY DAD HATES MY MOM AND ME FOR PUSHING TOO HARD WITH ACADEMICS AND SO IT'S ONE A TRIANGLE OF HATRED BETWEEN THE THREE OF US. THEY FEEL NO OBLIGATION OR ANYTHING SO I KNOW I SHOULDN'T FEEL EXCITED BUT I AM ANYWAY.
EORFJEWIGHEWIGHIRHGGR.

Monday, February 2, 2009

RIP Donna Festa

I can't tell you how horrible I feel for forgetting about this. How could I forget what happened last year on February 2nd? Why didn't I realize that this was the reason Katie was absent today? Gosh. Today I was freaking out because I left my iPod in my gym locker and I had to run back and risk being late for my next class to get it. I was freaking out because the groundhog apparently saw his shadow, meaning six more weeks of winter, and I started getting nervous about my biology quiz tomorrow. For the first time in a month or two I was feeling really depressed about Tyler, the kind of depressed where you chest feels like there's a boulder inside of it and you can't focus your mind on anything because it always wanders back to the thing that's making you depressed.
I was feeling all of that, and then I realized what today was, and now I feel stupid for remotely caring about my iPod or a groundhog or the biology quiz. Last year, one of my best friends from elementary school, her mom was killed in a car accident. The one I had been best friends with, Katie, she was sleeping over a friend's house, and her younger sister, mother, and father were taking their dogs to an appointment. While stopped at a red light at an intersection, they were hit by a truck driving about 90 miles per hour. Donna Festa died almost immediately, and the younger sister had a concussion and broke everything below her lower back. My family was one of the first to find out because one of my dad's best friends, who is a fireman, was called to the scene. I knew what he meant when he said, "I don't think Donna made it," but my mind wasn't comprehending it. I wasn't feeling anything until I turned on the news at 6 and saw their Jeep, absolutely and completely crushed, on the side of the road. Even then, I couldn't cry. I don't understand why, but I still wasn't feeling much.
Until the wake.
I was nervous because I have a fear of opening up in public, and I didn't want to cry. I did alright, keeping composure, even as we passed the posterboards covered with pictures of Donna. I was okay when I shook Pat Festa's hand, and okay with all the other relatives, and I thought I would be alright when I got to Katie. We hadn't talked in a long time so I didn't know what to say, and when someone loses their mother so unexpectedly, "I'm sorry for your loss" doesn't even begin to cover it. I almost opened my mouth to say something along those lines, but out of nowhere she hugged me so tight I couldn't breathe, and we sobbed together. I don't remember starting to cry, I just remember pulling away and realizing I was bawling. I don't remember much after that except for sitting in one of the chairs and asking my mother when we could leave. I don't remember the funeral either, except that Liz Tillman ran up to me, crying, in the parking lot, and we sobbed some more, hugging each other.
I cannot believe I almost forget what today meant.
Studying for biology seems so insignificant at this moment.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Aha! A Sign!

Not onlyyyy is it the first day of February, my friends, but it was also...
*drum roll pleeeease*
47 DEGREES OUTSIDE!
Ohmygod, it was so nice. For once I didn't have to bundle up like a goddamn eskimo when I left the house. It was so great, I can't even begin to explain. While my mom and I were in the car, she turned the heat off and rolled the window down a little bit. It wasn't much, but it's something! It's a start! A sign, possibly? Can this be a sign? Maybe winter is just going to cut itself short this year, honest & sincere thanks to global warming, and it's going to be warm from now on! That would so great. I think I would have a party in honor of it. A big party with friends and dancing and Jason Mraz music.


YES.
I've been listening to Jason Mraz all day because he is my summer music, my summer man, everything I love about the sunny seasons.
How can you not be charmed by that man?

That's what I call class.