Dreams & Movies

I can't remember my dream from last night, but two nights ago I had multiple dreams in one night, so I figured I'd document them here. I hate forgetting dreams, especially those times when you wake up and you can still feel the dream lingering at the front of your mind. All of your senses are still trapped in the dream, and it's so close. But it seems that as soon as you try to grasp it, it disappears. Because that frustrates and upsets me so much, I want to get this in writing before I slack off and eventually forget it.
First I dreamt that I was at a softball field, and my sister's travel team was playing, except my sister wasn't there. My father wanted me to play softball so bad that he disguised me as my sister and put me out in left field. Me, being the bitch that I am, gave him attitude about it, and refused to cooperate. Whenever a ball was hit to me, I stood there and didn't movie. It felt extremely satisfying, but my dad wanted to smack me. When the game ended, we started arguing, and I really started to think he was going to smack me, but then one of the other coaches came back with pizza and we stopped yelling. The three of us were sitting at a table exactly like the one my grandparents have on their back porch. The legs of the table are made of metal, which is painted white but flaking horribly, and the top is blurry glass. There's a hole in the middle where a green umbrella sticks through, and come to think of it, everything besides the table was green in that dream. The grass was unnaturally green, too bright to be real, and everything else was white, even the sky. My dad and the other coach were too busy shoveling pizza in their mouths to argue with me, and they didn't even offer me any pizza. Not that I would have taken one.
There was no segway between my dreams. All of a sudden I was sitting on a pool deck outside a hotel, and everything surrounding me was blue, purple, or dark red. All of the furniture, the color of the hotel, right down to the railings on the stairs. I don't know where my sister and my father were, but it was just my mother and I staying in our room. The hotel was pretty crappy. We had a decent sized room and bathroom, but everything looked a hundred years old. The bed was sagging to the point where I feared it would collapse if I laid on it. So I didn't, which explains why I was outside on the pool deck at night. My sister's coach was there, not sitting in a lawn chair, but lying on the concrete, one blanket below him and one blanket beneath. Not surprisingly, the blankets were purple and dark red. He looked at me and said, "I'm going to take a champion nap." I looked at him funny and asked what a "champion nap" was. As if I was an idiot or something, he said, "It's when you win a game and you're so proud of yourself, you need to nap. You're a winner, but you're tired. You don't take regular naps. You take champion naps." I didn't know what to say to this, so I kept quiet and watched him sandwich himself in between the two blankets, which appeared hard and unmoving. My mother and my aunt were coming in through the entrance to the pool area, and since I didn't feel much like talking with them, I left. After a minute or so I realized that my mother had the key for our hotel room, so I was wandering around when a small boy stopped in front of me. He was no more than five years old, with caramel brown hair and eyes that looked black but I hoped weren't. He didn't say anything, but he kept looking up at me with his dark eyes and I asked in babying voice, "Are you lost?" The boy smiled in a way that gave me chills, and he laughed, saying, "Far from it. Let's go." I had no idea who he was, but I followed him anyway. He was strangely small, but he spoke as if he was a man. I don't mean his voice was deep like a man's, but his dialect and word choice proved him older and more intelligent than I assumed. I followed this strange boy to his hotel room, except it was more like five rooms. One of the beds was crumpled in the way I thought mine would collapse, but he said it was a fair trade for getting more than one room. Sitting cross-legged in the middle of one room was another boy. He was taller than the first one, but his eyes were bright green and large. He looked up at me, sneered, and asked, "What, is your hotel room only one room?" Now I felt stupid, but I would have felt worse if he caught me lying, so I told him the truth, yes, we only had one room. After that, everything gets a little fuzzy, but I remember going back to the pool deck alone and asking my mom for the key. It was midnight now, but she wouldn't hand it over, and that's where the dream cuts off.
Next thing I know, I was walking through the front doors of my high school. It was the first day back from Christmas break, and I was early. I decided to walk around the bottom floor and find one of my friends before heading upstairs to my locker. The majority of the bottom floor is one large square, except everything was white with certain tiles being red or green. It looked almost like the tiles in my old elementary school. Another weird aspect was that the farther and faster I walked, the more the square seemed to grow and expand, preventing me from ever making it all the way around. The halls got more and more crowded, but I couldn't find a single friend. Somehow I wound up walking next to this girl I've seen maybe five times in my life, never talked to. Her name is Ashley, and I was walking next to her and someone else I can't remember. We passed by Lee (the kid in my algebra and insights class), and Ashley waved to him. He waved back and pointed a finger at me, but he looked different. His shoulders were broad and his neck thicker, almost as if he spent his entire Christmas break in the gym. It was weird, but the hallway was so crowded I didn't have any room to take another look at him. I broke free from Ashley and started walking faster, through mobs of people, until I found my way out of the square. I finally found the commons, and it was then I realized I forgot my locker number and combination. I freaked out, trying to think back, when one of my friends yelled my name from the other side of the commons. She was wearing an aqua green hoodie I've never seen before and carrying her tote bag over her shoulder as she ran towards me. I yelled back that I needed to find my locker and she could come if she wants, but I'm not being late to class.
Finally I woke up.

Now, completely off the topic of dreams, I saw The Curious Case of Benjamin Button this morning (yes, this morning, my best friend and I went at 11:30 AM because that's when all the cool kids go to the movies). I expected it to be really great but sort of drag on. I was surprised when it didn't. The movie didn't feel long at all, and I absolutely loved it. In most movies, it's a story being told of a certain time in someone's life. It's a part of their life; the key word here being "part." In Benjamin Button, you get to see his entire life unfold. It's quite a powerful movie. I would write more about it, but I'm tired of typing now. Maybe later.

Tired All The Time

That pretty much describes me at the moment. Even though I get a solid amount of sleep during the night, I end up falling asleep in the middle of the day. I think it's because my house is so cold that I sit in front of the mini heater all day and read, which makes me tired. I guess it's not so bad, considering when I'm not on break all I want to do is sleep. I just feel lazy now.
Oh well.
I can't think of anything else to write except that I'm praying my best friend and her mom agree to get together with us today. I miss her.
Oh yeah, and I had some weird dreams last night but I don't feel like writing about that now.
Peace out.

Sibling Rivalry

I never thought I'd admit this out loud, much less to myself, but it's gotten to the point where I can easily say I'm starting to hate my sister. I really am. It's not like we fights twenty four hours a day or something, but maybe I'd rather have it like that. Every family fights. But my sister and I, now, we just don't talk. Not at all. And if we do, we're either asking to borrow clothes or she's telling me to "shut up cos it's none of your damn business anyway." To be blunt, my sister is a bitch. I know I can be a bitch too, but at least when I am it's more of a "I'm going to tell you how it is because you need to hear it, not because you want to" sort of way. My sister is an ignorant bitch. She brings her cell phone EVERYWHERE, which I guess is understandable, and it's not the fact that she brings it everywhere. It's the fact that she's always texting, even when she's over someone else's house or people are over ours. When we had a family party for my grandfather's birthday, my sister locked herself downstairs for half the time, and when she came up, all she did was text. I went out later, and on the way home, I had to pick my sister up from my aunt's house. I thought that was nice, since my aunt is always pushing for us to do stuff with her. She hasn't fully realized that we're no longer five years old, and it sort of breaks my heart, but I can't accomodate my friends and my aunt at the same time. So I was actually proud of my sister that she hung out with my aunt. But then, when I went to pick her up, she was lying the couch, texting, as my aunt chattered away, completely oblivious to the fact that my sister wasn't listening. It took so much will power not to yell at her, or smack her, or both. Honestly, that's fucking rude. I don't care if the person you're talking to doesn't care, or doesn't notice, it's still fucking rude. Not only that, but my sister manipulates everyone. Unlike I ever was, she's loud and outgoing in school, naturally causing people to flock and follow her. She convinces people to do whatever she tells them to, and really that's none of my business, but when you start transferring that to home life, now it's my business. All she does is sit her ass on the couch and text or watch television, yet she's asking for someone to get her cereal or make her a sandwich. What's worse is, my mom accomodates her. Not because my mom feels like she should or wants to, but because Christie won't take no for an answer. She'll ask repeatedly until my mom caves in. One time, I came home and my mom told me to make Christie a sandwhich. I look over, and my sister is sitting on the couch, with the television, the laptop next to her, and her cell phone in one hand. Excuse me? Oh yeah, I'm sure my sister the fucking eleven year old seventh grader, I'm sure she had a horribly stressful day at school. Oh yes, I understand she can't get her ass up to make a sandwhich herself.
HA.
Are you kidding me. I told Christie straight up, get the fuck off the couch and do it yourself. You know how. You just don't want to. Just because you can manipulate your stupid friends, it doesn't mean you can manipulate family. I won't let it happen. I am not your bitch.
It felt so great to say all that to her, you don't even know, and I can't even describe it. Unfortunately, my mom yelled at me and then forced me to make the sandwich.
But I did wait a solid thirty minutes before doing it, just to piss my sister off.
Now, her boyfriend (whose name is Douchepacker, for the record) is over all the time, which wouldn't bother me if he wasn't such an asshole. Really, I want to fucking smack the shit out of this kid. He seemed polite when he first came over and introduced himself to my parents, but as soon as my mom left the room, he nudged his (Douchepacker II) friend, gestured toward my mom's turned back, and whispered something, smirking. I almost blew a fuse. I swear to God. And of course, when him and my sister are downstairs, the door has to be shut. (CAN YOU PLEASE KEEP IN MIND THAT MY SISTER JUST TURNED TWELVE?!) Then last night, my neighbors came over (one of which was dragged unwillingly because Christie is manipulative, as I said, and made him come to make it seem more casual than just her and her boyfriend). One of them is a year older than me, a junior in high school, and she went downstairs for a second to ask her younger brother something and to say hello to my sister. My sister glared at her and didn't say hello back. Fucking bitch. So then this girl says, "Okay, I'll leave you guys alone now" and Douchepacker sneers and mumbles, "Finally. That would be appreciated."
I don't think you know how badly I wanted to knock his teeth out.
Earlier, before the rest of the neighbors had arrived, it was just Zac (unwillingly dragged neighbor), Christie, and Douchepackers I and II. I was in the room next to theirs because I had to shower and when I finished, got dressed, and opened the door, Douchepacker II coughed and said something that definitely had the words "ball" and "sex" in it. Douchepacker I started laughing and I turned to them and said, "Grow the fuck up." I bet my sister hated me for that, but my mom came down just then, and when she saw how pissed off I looked, she asked what happened. I said, "Nothing, just admiring how frigging mature kids are these days."
Now my mom wants my sister and I to magically get along, miraculously start talking again because when it comes to family parties, I'm the only one she can talk to, and vice versa. Although I have permission to read the whole time, Christie isn't allowed to bring her cell phone after being so rude, and now we're supposed to talk. In the spirit of Christmas, and just the desire the avoid conflict, I can easily be nice to her, slap on a fake smile.
But we'll never get along like we used to.

Almost There

I am only one and a half school days away from being on Christmas vacation. It's so close, it's almost killing me. I'm dreading tomorrow and Tuesday. I don't want to take my spanish test, or my algebra quiz. I don't want to get my biology test back, and I think I'd rather crawl into a hole and die than confront my insights teacher about my project. I just want to put it all behind until the new year. But procrastinating is always my stupid solution, so I guess it is best that I get it over with in the next few days. Still, that doesn't mean I'm looking forward to it.
In other non-important news, I sort of had a fiesta at the library yesterday. I think I'm set for a little bit.
Last night I went over my friends house for a small Christmas party, just me, her, and three other girls. It was alright, we just watched The OC and ate candy, I still felt like the fifth wheel though, because they'd all be crowded on one couch and I'm alone on the other, or they'd pair off and be talking and I'm just sitting there. Those parts were a little depressing. But I guess it wasn't bad. Two of them said they were planning to go to California after high school graduation, one of which is one of my best friends. I don't know how to feel about that. I want to go. And I said I wanted to go too (although I just realized now I think I'm going to London, as my mom promised me).
I just lost my train of thought and I want to finish my book.
So I'm out.

This blog was an epic fail.

SnowSnowSnow!

Unfortunately, it's not snowing right here, right now. BUT it's supposed to snow tomorrow, anywhere from six to twelve inches, but a more reasonable range would be six to nine (as Tyler in his shirt and tie told the whole student body on the morning announcements). I'm praying we have a snow day tomorrow because honestly, I don't want to go, at all, even though I'm not doing much. I guess the real reason is that I don't want to get my biology test back. I mean, I know I failed, but seeing it in red ink makes it even more depressing. I'm pretty positive we'll have an early dismissal at the very least, but that still means I have to get through biology. Guh.
Another topic I need to ramble about: my mother.
Around a month ago, one of my mom's students that she knows fairly well came to her and said, "Costy (I swear that's what they call her), I need a pass to get out of *insert class name here*!" My mom said no, she couldn't give her a pass, and this girl said, "I'll give you my Facebook password for a week, and you can creep on your daughters!" Wow, way to sell me out there, kid. My mom took the deal but after a week, the girl didn't change her password because she trusted my mom to stick to her word and stop using her Facebook account. However, she didn't, and this morning when I found out, I almost blew a fuse. The fact that this student trusted my mother enough to think, "You know, I trust her to stop, she's a teacher, I don't need to change my password" and my mom went against every bullshit honesty policy she ever had, it drove me crazy. We had a (loud) argument this morning and I said what she was doing wasn't right, even if she was just doing it because my younger sister is too naive and wild and needs to be watched over. My mom said, "Do you have something to hide?! If not, why should it frigging matter if I'm looking at your profile?!" No, I don't have anything to hide. And she doesn't have anything to hide on her work email address. But that still doesn't justify anything if I were to hack into her email. The fact that we don't have anything to hide doesn't make it right to invade our privacy. I told her all that, and said that Amanda (the student) should know what she was doing. She said if I sent any message, I would be "in a lot of fucking trouble," but I don't care. I'm not going to let something like this slip because I'm selfish and don't want to be punished, and she thinks that because she's my mother, she's right all the time. So I sent Amanda a message telling her what my mom was doing. Now, my fate is pretty much in this student's hands.
I got into another argument with my mom afterschool and ran upstairs furious and halfway to tears only to find the first issue in a new series of Umbrella Academy comics sitting on my dresser. It's amazing how when you think someone you love has abandoned you, they appear right when you need them. Thanks & tons of love to Gerard Way for that one.
Andddddddddd I came home to find Amber's Christmas card/gift on my counter. It was two mixes, a lovelyyyy card, and a bracelet (which I didn't discover for a while HAHA I'm smart).
I frigging love you, Amber. That made my day. :)

STRESSING

...about my grades.

I can't relax. At all. 

I know we're barely halfway through the second marking period but I'm freaking out. I don't even have a lot of homework at the moment, which makes me feel like I'm slacking, even though I do all the homework I get. I just haven't gotten a lot this week.

Ahhh.

I need Christmas break so badly. And snow. 

Lots of snow. 

Although I did get some shopping done today because my mother made me go with her. At least now I'm not spending the whole winter in t-shirts like I usually do. (I know, I'm really intelligent, I never owned a single sweater or long sleeve before this November.) 

The only thing making this week worthwhile is that Amber's card and CDs are coming in the mail Thursday, hopefully.

That's about it. 

Sigh.

Oh and this is off topic, but I want some responses on this because I don't know if this is a universal sort of thing or if it's just me. Once in a while, like two or three times a month, I experience one of those nights where my body is asleep but my mind is subconsciously awake. Meaning I wake up in the morning and feel like I haven't really slept at all. It comes sort of like those jolts you get in bed when you're half asleep and dream yourself tripping down stairs or walking off a ledge. So last night was one of those subconsciously awake nights. And of course, last night I actually had a lot of time to sleep. Just my luck. Anyway, I couldn't move my body, but I lying on my back with my head facing the left and my left leg jutted out a little bit. I heard my dad wake up in the middle of the night. I have a feeling it was around 2 AM. But he got up, went to the bathroom, peeked in my doorway, and then came in to shut off the pumpkin shaped night light. I wanted to tell him not to, because I hate when he does that, but I couldn't say anything. Then my mom got up later, around 4 AM, and she went downstairs and turned the TV on. I heard the voices but I didn't know what they were saying. Then she went back upstairs and from there I sort of lost it. I actually fell asleep there. At 5:30 she got up again, turned on the shower, and came to get me up.

I was sleeping, but I heard and clearly remember all that. My body was rested when I woke up, but my mind felt drained. I figured it was reasonably common, like those sleep jolts. But all my friends said they don't know what I'm talking about. 

Get Some Sleep, Mr. Durden Sir!

xnoxrewindsx (10:06:09 PM): I won't go to bed until like 1
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:06:54 PM): whadafuuuck
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:07:02 PM): Don't into Tyler Durden now, child.
xnoxrewindsx (10:07:19 PM): way to make sense lol.
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:07:32 PM): wait, that didnt make sense
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:07:33 PM): ?
xnoxrewindsx (10:08:36 PM): Don't into Tyler Durden now, child.
xnoxrewindsx (10:08:48 PM): Don't TURN into, perhaps?
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:08:52 PM): OH
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:08:53 PM): OH
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:08:55 PM): OOPS
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:08:59 PM): I AM TIRED.
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:09:04 PM): HAHAH I ALMOST WROTE I AM TYLER.
xnoxrewindsx (10:09:18 PM): HAHAHAHXAH
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:09:30 PM): HXAH?
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:09:34 PM): GOOD ONE.
xnoxrewindsx (10:09:36 PM): SHUT UP
xnoxrewindsx (10:09:42 PM): I CHOKED ON MY SPIT
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:09:46 PM): HAHHAHHAHAHAHAHA
xnoxrewindsx (10:10:05 PM): NOT
xnoxrewindsx (10:10:06 PM): FUNNY
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:10:32 PM): def. funny
xnoxrewindsx (10:10:45 PM): shutup
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:11:06 PM): psstt
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:11:09 PM): check my profile
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:11:10 PM): HAAH
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:11:36 PM): mwaaahha
xnoxrewindsx (10:12:09 PM): YOU KNOW WHAT
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:12:17 PM): WHAAT
xnoxrewindsx (10:12:25 PM): LOOK AT INE
xnoxrewindsx (10:12:27 PM): STILL
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:12:32 PM): INE?
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:12:35 PM): GOOOOD ONEEE
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:13:03 PM): WELL I AM NOT ASHAMED OF YOURS BECAUSE I AM GOING TO HOGWARTS
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:13:17 PM): THE WORLD NEEDS TO KNOW OF MY GLORIOUS DEPARTURE INTO THE MAGICAL WORLD.
xnoxrewindsx (10:13:28 PM): TO THE SLOW CLASSES
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:13:34 PM): NO
xnoxrewindsx (10:13:43 PM): YES.
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:13:53 PM): JUST YOU WAIT UNTIL I TURN YOU INTO A BUSHBABY
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:14:08 PM): AND BOP YOU AROUND THE ROOM
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:14:18 PM): AND MAKE YOU DANCE THE CHA CHA IN THE CORRIDORS
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:14:21 PM): HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHA
xnoxrewindsx (10:14:37 PM): WHAT TE HELL
xnoxrewindsx (10:14:37 PM): THE
xnoxrewindsx (10:14:37 PM): YOU
xnoxrewindsx (10:14:39 PM): ARE
xnoxrewindsx (10:14:41 PM): SO
xnoxrewindsx (10:14:43 PM): GOING
xnoxrewindsx (10:14:43 PM): TO
xnoxrewindsx (10:14:44 PM): THE
xnoxrewindsx (10:14:45 PM): SLOW
xnoxrewindsx (10:14:47 PM): CLASSES!
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:14:54 PM): I AM NOT!!!!!!
xnoxrewindsx (10:15:01 PM): ARE TOO!!!
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:15:04 PM): WHAT EXACTLY ARE THE SLOW CLASSES?!?!
xnoxrewindsx (10:15:34 PM): NO, YOU'LL BE LEARNING KWIKSPELL WITH FILCH
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:15:43 PM): WILLL NOTTT!!!!!!!!!
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:16:02 PM): RRRAAWWRRR I HAVE TO GO TO SLEEP
xnoxrewindsx (10:16:08 PM): YEAH, SQUIB.
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:16:26 PM): WATCH YOURSELF TONIGHT, AMBER. IF YOU WAKE UP AS A BUSHBABY...
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:16:32 PM): IT'S ON.
xnoxrewindsx (10:16:53 PM): WELL OBVIOUSLY.
xnoxrewindsx (10:17:02 PM): I'LL STILL SICK NEVILLE ON YOU
xnoxrewindsx (10:17:13 PM): SWEAR TO GOD/
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:17:21 PM): WELL THEN I'LL TURN HIM INTO A BUSHBABY
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:17:27 PM): AND YOU CAN BE BUSHBABY LOVERS
xnoxrewindsx (10:17:33 PM): HEY NOW
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:17:36 PM): OR MAYBE I SHOULD TURN HIM INTO SOMETHING THAT EATS YOU
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:17:50 PM): OKAY OKAY TIME OUT
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:17:53 PM): WHEN YOU SAID HEY NOW
xnoxrewindsx (10:17:57 PM): WELL, THEN I'LL MAKE IT SO ALL YOU EVER SEE IS CEDWARD DYING
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:18:01 PM): I GOT THAT HILARY DUFF SONG STUCK IN MY HEAD
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:18:15 PM): HEY NOW, HEY NOOW, THIS IS WHAT DREEEAAMMSS ARE MADE OF!
xnoxrewindsx (10:18:47 PM): OF CEDWARD DYING?!
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:19:01 PM): NOO, YOU SAID HEY NOW
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:19:10 PM): AND MY MIND STARTED PLAYING HILARY DUFF
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:20:03 PM): HEY NOW, HEY NOOWW, THIS IS WHAT DRRREEAAMMSS ARE MADE OF!
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:20:15 PM): ...THAT'S ALL THE WORDS I KNOW
xnoxrewindsx (10:20:25 PM): FAIL
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:20:41 PM): STFU IT'S NOT LIKE I WATCH THE LIZZIE MCGUIRE MOVIE ON A DAILY BASIS
xnoxrewindsx (10:21:02 PM): ...OR DO YOU
xnoxrewindsx (10:21:11 PM): YOU LOVE GORDO LIKE YOU LOVE PONYBOY
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:21:19 PM): WHAT
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:21:28 PM): DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY LOVE FOR PONYBOY
xnoxrewindsx (10:21:41 PM): I BELIEVE I JUST DID.
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:21:57 PM): I THINK YOU'RE THE ONE WATCHING IT ON A DAILY BASIS
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:22:04 PM): COS I DIDNT EVEN REMEMBER GORDO'S NAME
xnoxrewindsx (10:22:09 PM): I JUST GOT IT
xnoxrewindsx (10:22:18 PM): OH, WAIT LIZZIE MCGUIRE
xnoxrewindsx (10:22:22 PM): WE HAVE IT
xnoxrewindsx (10:22:25 PM): ACTUALLY
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:22:28 PM): HAHAHAHAA
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:22:34 PM): I HAVE DOUG'S FIRST MOVIE
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:22:38 PM): DID YOU WATCH DOUG?!
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:22:42 PM): I LIKE DOUG.
xnoxrewindsx (10:22:45 PM): AND ONLY MOVIE
xnoxrewindsx (10:22:48 PM): YEAH
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:22:58 PM): I KNOW LIKE WTF THERE WAS NEVER A SECOND
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:23:06 PM): WAY TO BE A LETDOWN, DOUG.
xnoxrewindsx (10:23:32 PM): HEHEHEH SKEETER.
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:23:45 PM): HAHAHAA.
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:23:47 PM): I WATCHED
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:23:48 PM): ARTHUR
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:23:49 PM): TOO
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:24:12 PM): NOT THE ARTHUR FROM JM.ORG COS THAT MAKES IT SOUND TOTALLY SKETCHY AND CREEPER LIKE
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:24:14 PM): I DONT WATCH HIM
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:24:15 PM): I MEAN
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:24:21 PM): ARTHUR THE AARDVARK
xnoxrewindsx (10:24:35 PM): HAHAHA
xnoxrewindsx (10:24:37 PM): I STILL DO
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:24:42 PM): AT LEAST I THINK HE WAS AN AARDVARK
xnoxrewindsx (10:24:48 PM): YEAH HE WAS
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:25:09 PM): I'VE NEVER EVEN SEEN A LEGITIMATE AARDVARK...
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:25:13 PM): GOOGLE IMAGES!!
xnoxrewindsx (10:25:31 PM): hahahaha
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:25:52 PM): http://animals.nationalgeographic.com/staticfiles/NGS/Shared/StaticFiles/animals/images/800/aardvark.jpg
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:25:53 PM): HAHA
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:26:07 PM): das sexy
xnoxrewindsx (10:26:14 PM): WTF THAT IS SCARY LOOKING
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:26:50 PM): IT LOOKS LIKE WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF A BUNNY AND AN OVERSIZED RAT HAD A SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP
xnoxrewindsx (10:27:03 PM): HAHAHAH
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:27:26 PM): SO IT'S SETTLED, I WILL TURN NEVILLE INTO AN AARDVARK.
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:27:41 PM): MWAAHA
xnoxrewindsx (10:27:45 PM): OKAY.
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:27:52 PM): NOWWW I AM OFF TO SLEEP!!
xnoxrewindsx (10:28:03 PM): finally
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:28:08 PM): haaaa I know right!!
xnoxrewindsx (10:28:10 PM): *coughlosercough*
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:28:16 PM): STFU I LIKE MY SLEEP
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:28:22 PM): SLEEPING IS LIKE THE BEST PART OF MY DAY
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:28:27 PM): NOT TO SOUND DEPRESSING
xnoxrewindsx (10:28:37 PM): hahaaha
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:28:42 PM): aaanyway
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:28:50 PM): get some sleep, Mr. Durden sir.
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:28:52 PM):
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:28:55 PM): Niightt!!!!
xnoxrewindsx (10:29:05 PM): Wait, so are you the narrorator?
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:29:16 PM): surree
xnoxrewindsx (10:29:22 PM): okay, deal.
xnoxrewindsx (10:29:24 PM): niiighT!
xnoxrewindsx (10:29:26 PM): y*
xnoxrewindsx (10:29:28 PM): t**
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:29:29 PM): HAHAHAH FAIL
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:29:32 PM): DOUBLE FAIL
xnoxrewindsx (10:29:39 PM): GO TO BED.

In Desperate Need of the Holidays

For some reason this past week has felt like the week before break. Maybe it was because I was crammed with so many tests and quizzes that by eighth period Friday after, I really just wanted to cry. I was so tired of stressing like mad over my classes and getting just decent grades. I know that because I'm in honors, it's different. Getting a B is the equivalent of an A. But still, my sister barely does ANYTHING and she can pull a 4.0. I was like that in middle school too, I guess I just miss being younger and not having as many responsibilites.
I'm also stressing out because, of all reasons, I don't know what I'm going to do with my life. I know I'm only a sophomore in high school, but I seriously think about it, a lot. I feel like everyone has their ideas and has found their place, but not me.
I feel like I always say, "Oh, I can't wait for this and that to happen" or "Well as soon as I get this or that over with, I'll be happy," but it never happens.
I'm wishing away time.
Minute by minute.
It freaks me out.

When I Said That I'd Return to You, I Meant More Like a Relapse

I have two small stories to share from today, but I am really lazy right now, so I'm just going to copy and paste from my conversation with Amber.
Mwahaha.

WishWashedAwayx3 (3:27:44 PM): 1. I was at my locker this morning, and that friend, Jessie, she has to walk by me to get to her locker. Usually she comes later than me but happened to cross paths today. I didn't even see her, honest to God, cos I had music on, but I heard something that sounded like someone running.
WishWashedAwayx3 (3:27:50 PM): She practically RAN past me.
WishWashedAwayx3 (3:28:12 PM): I almost laughed out loud.
xnoxrewindsx (3:28:19 PM): I would've
WishWashedAwayx3 (3:28:22 PM): Like really...come on.
WishWashedAwayx3 (3:28:28 PM): Have some backbone.
xnoxrewindsx (3:28:36 PM): and #2?
WishWashedAwayx3 (3:28:41 PM): yeah, 2.
WishWashedAwayx3 (3:28:42 PM): So
WishWashedAwayx3 (3:31:20 PM): you know how Tyler hasn't talked to me in a few months. And he stopped saying hello to me, so I stopped looking at him. Well today, I walked by him like I do every day. I always turn away, but for some reason he was all friendly today, and he put his hand on my shoulder as I walked by and he was like, "hey Laura!" Then after bio, I was walking down the stairs as he was coming up, which happens EVERY DAY. Nothing new, but he said, "hey Laura" again and smiled. Not like, I'm saying hello cos I feel obligated kind of way, like he's done before. It was a real smile. I mean he was just in a good mood, but still, I'm so dumb I had tears in my eyes after that.
WishWashedAwayx3 (3:31:23 PM): WOW NOVEL.
xnoxrewindsx (3:34:52 PM): aw
xnoxrewindsx (3:34:52 PM): I'm blogging right now, heads up
xnoxrewindsx (3:35:05 PM): welAre you looking at it as a good or bad thing?
WishWashedAwayx3 (3:36:21 PM): Bad because it's not helping me ignore him, good because I love the ridiculous feeling I get after he acknowledges me. Haha.
xnoxrewindsx (3:39:55 PM): well
xnoxrewindsx (3:40:01 PM): tough situation

So yeah, that's where I'm at right now.
I was doing so well at ignoring him. I didn't even have any spontaneous urges to IM him.
But now I do.
It's different though, somehow, because I want to talk to him to actually have a conversation, and even though I relapsed a whole lot today, I think I would have the ability to be friends with him and be alright with that. Not even care that we'll never be together like that. For real.
It's weird, but it's a good feeling.
Although I don't understand how I would explain that to him.
Because I'm proud of myself, and he has a right to know.

Violet Sunrise

I have a lot of things I need to get down in this blog, and not a whole lot of time. I was planning on starting with what I want to say from a few days ago and working my way to the present, but I feel the need to talk about this morning. It started off bordering between average and crappy because, for one, it was a Monday, and also, my laptop crashed TWICE. Just when I needed it to print a study guide. I marched out of the house saying angrily, "Dad, the goddamn laptop is breaking, again." Then I walked outside and saw the most beautiful sunrise I'd ever seen. If it weren't for the fact that I was almost late because of my bipolar laptop, I would have gone back into the house to get my camera. The sky looked as if it was splattered with hot pink paint and smudged with a bit of violet. I was in such awe, I couldn't move for at least thirty seconds. For some inexplicabe reason, it made my morning that much better, and I was almost sad that the image had disappeared by the time I got to school. What was even sadder was that no one else seemed to notice. I understand that it's only 7 AM but really, that sunrise woke me up. It made me feel almost bad that I sleep well past 10 AM on the weekends.
Anyway, back to a few days ago:
I've been having odd dreams lately. I had one the other night in which Meghan was there, and I didn't remember until the next day what happened. But I also don't want to forget. No reason in particular, I just want to have this in writing. I remember going to her house, which was quite a long drive. Most of the walls instead had glass and whatever wasn't glass was polished wood. It was pretty, and the main theme of the colors was different shades of blue. There wasn't a whole lot of backyard, but there was a forest behind, which was pretty, so it wasn't much to complain about. I sat cross-legged on Meghan's bed and we talked while her mom and my mom made lunch in the other room. They made chicken, which was really ironic, since I had just watched Girl, Interrupted and part of me never ever wanted to eat chicken again. It was good chicken in my dream, and then after lunch we drove to my high school. It should have been hours away, but for some reason it only took a few minutes to get there. We were parked in front of the school and someone came out of the building and walked towards us. The car windows were tinted and I leaned forward, pointing, and said, "Right there."
Except I still don't know who was walking towards us.
Another dream from Saturday night:
I was walking around Stop & Shop with my guitar teacher, except it looked more like BJs because the ceiling was so high. There were a lot of people there, and I couldn't make out their faces, but I distinctly remember the feeling of the store being crowded. The two of us were walking down the aisles, talking, and I noticed that everything was a shade of gray or brown. It wasn't even very light in the store, but it could have been because it was dark outside. We got down to the other side of the store, where all the produce was arranged in aisles that looked more like a farm set up. There were rows of produce almost like when you plant things in a line on a farm. I'm not describing it well, but I also don't work on a farm, so I don't know how to word it. Anyway, my guitar teacher and I are kneeling on the ground, and the kid from my classes, he comes, with some short girl next to him. I'd never seen her before, not even in real life, but he didn't seem to care for her all that much. He turned to look at me, and almost thought he was going to say something, but he didn't.He just turned around and walked away.
I walked home alone (and discovered it was indeed gray outside) and when I came home, the kid from my classes was sitting at my kitchen table. He was eating a tangerine (that's what I get for recently finishing This Lullaby). My parents came up the stairs and I turned and snapped on them. I remember demanding, "Get him the fuck out of my house. You don't get it. I can't be near him. Just get him out."
I marched into the room after this hissy fit, and came back when I had cooled down. Thankfully, he was gone, and my parents told me they found him passed out on the sidewalk, probably from being drunk. That wouldn't have surprised me. He's sweet, but he hangs out with druggies. After that I felt bad, but not because he was passed out drunk on my sidewalk. I felt bad because I had this strange feeling that I could have taken the opportunity to comfort him. To get close than I would have on any normal occasion. After all, it's always in the weakest moment that someone of the opposite sex moves in. The other one is unlikely to refuse at that point.
I woke up feeling strange.

Another note to add to this crazy long blog: Recently I read the book Girl, Interrupted after watching the movie. It was different, but I could see how they needed to change the plot for cinematic purposes. The movie made more sense as a movie, but the book was still intriguing. There were a few passages in particular that stuck out to me. Partially because I think they're interesting and partially because I've felt the same way:
- "Every window on Alcatraz has a view of San Francisco."
- "In our parallel worlds, things happened that had not yet happened in the world we'd come from. When they finally happened outside, we found them familiar because versions of them had been performed in front of us. It was as if we were a provincial audience, New Haven to the read world's New York, where history could try out its next spectacle."
- "I was like an anchorite with a hair shirt. Part of the point was that nobody knew about my suffering. If people knew and admired - or abominated - me, something important would be lost."
- "Isn't there some other way to look at this? After all, angst of these dimensions is a luxury item. You need to be well-fed, clothed, and housed to have time for this must self-pity."

I very much agree with the last two, which I realized afterwards may not be the best thing. The author is writing about her experience in a mental institution. I don't know, maybe I am crazy. Maybe everyone is crazy, and all the crazy people are sane.
I had this crazy feeling the other night. I was sitting in the car on the way home, and for some reason the seatbelt would not budge. I couldn't bend forward because it would lock every time I tried. Usually I get frustrated by this and fiddle with the seat belt until it loosens again. But this time, I let it be. It felt strangely nice to have something holding me, keeping me locked in place.
Even if it was only a seat belt.

This is why I should never read books about crazy people. I start to question my own sanity.

I Have So Much To Say

AND NO TIME.
Really, even though I just blogged yesterday, I have so much I need to get down in writing.
But I don't have the time now, and even if I finish my schoolwork before I have to go to bed, I want to read.
UGHH.
This is just a reminder to myself not to forget everything.

I Can't Afford To Get Into This Again...

Sometimes it amazes me how convenient blogging is when it comes to procrastination. Right now I am putting off studying for an insights test I have on Tuesday, but we play a review game for bonus points the day before, so I need to be prepared. Plus this test has a "new and exciting format." Which basically means it's the opposite of exciting. I won't have time to do much tomorrow since I'm being dragged to see Mamma Mia at the Shubert theater.
Really? Are you serious?
I voted to see Footloose, which was one of the three choices, the third being Cats. We eliminated that one immediately, because frankly, that's a little awkward. Especially if one of us happened to be in one of the seats where the "cats" crawl on your lap. I am squirming just thinking about that. So I voted for Footloose, because I mean, it's FOOTLOOSE people, come on. But everyone else voted Mamma Mia, so fuck me, I still have to go. As you can see, I'm a little bitter about that. I'm also bitter about the fact that one of my friends is going. We used to be really close but now we just wave and smile in the hallways, and that's about it. I just don't want it to be awkward for her. The people going are me, my sister, my mom, and another family. The other family happens to consist of my best friend, my sister's best friend, and my mom's best friend.
Tell me, wouldn't you feel out of the loop too?

Oh.
And.
I am confused as to how I'm feeling right now...because there's this guy.
I don't even know why I'm fucking thinking about this. I don't want to care. I'm not even going to elaborate.
He's in two of my classes and he's extremely sweet to me. I don't know if he's flirting or if he's just like that with girls.
And every time I see Tyler with his frigging girlfriend, I want to die.
So I feel completely uncomfortable giving this kid a second thought.
Hopefully this is out of pure desire for revenge and I don't get myself into something I obviously cannot handle.
I'm pissing myself off just writing this.
Jesus.
I need to fucking study.

Lame Tour Of My Room

Here's a video for all the JM.org creepers. ;)

I Feel Guilty, But Not Really

I don't know where everything stands right now. Today was a pretty bad day, and despite all the ranting and raving I did this morning, I went to track practice.  I found out this year there are going to be try outs because of budget cuts. (Get a load of this: we're wasting a ridiculous amount of money ti build a pool at my high school...when there's a pool at the middle school...that is located NEXT DOOR. Really, if these swimmers are athletic, they should be able to walk a few hundred feet.) So now there are legitimate try outs, not like last year, where you just showed up if you wanted to participate. They're timing the sprinters on the 100, 200, and 400. First of all, I am not a great runner. At all. Not only does my lack of height put me at a disadvantage (since when were all the female runners tall?!), but I have really bad breathing. I can handle the pain in my legs, but I always end up half suffocating myself to death. I am not doing these try outs. Last year I almost passed out while running the 300 and do not plan on trying it again. Plus, I have guitar lessons on Saturday so I wouldn't be able to make the meets. I don't mind just going to practice, but because of these cuts, they're not accepting that. 

My mother is frustrated with work and all the home renovations ("THAT LIGHT IS FLORESCENT, I DON'T WANT A FLORESCENT LIGHT, I SAID NO FLORESCENTS!") that she doesn't even want to deal with it anymore. She won't discuss it and when I talked to my dad, we gave both our sides of the situations. He wants me to try out anyway, but that's like telling someone scared of heights to go climb Mt. Everest. I will freak out if I have to run a 400. I told him the decision was ultimately mine, and it's not going to kill me if I don't do indoor track. It really isn't. I know I won't gain any weight because I can keep it steady, and even lose weight, as I proved over the summer.

My point of this blog was that I didn't REALLY go to practice. After warm ups, my friends and I went to "get our jackets" and didn't come back. No one cared anyway. We got changed and waited till after 4 to call my mother, and worked on our homework. I feel guilty about it, sort of, and I felt kind of guilty doing it, but it was liberating at the same time. It was finally me saying, you're not going to tell me what I need do anymore. All of my friends decided not to do it, and I'm sure they won't get any complaints from their parents. This is what I get from having an overprotective parental unit.

So I don't know if the shit is going to hit the fan if I come home on the bus tomorrow. I don't know if the subject will just be dropped and nothing will be said. 

I don't know, but I do know I need to do my homework now. 

Drawing A Blank

I really don't know what to write about, but I feel like I need to write. Usually I come here, start typing, and I wind up writing a lot, but it's not working for me since my last post. I think it's because I have/had five days off from school, so I basically shut down and stopped doing anything except reading, watching movies, and listening to music. Oh, and celebrating Thanksgiving. But on Thanksgiving, all I did was read anyway. I finished The Truth About Forever and started This Lullaby. My family is extremely loud in general, and when they're all talking at the same time, it gets almost unbearable, but somehow I was able to focus.
So I guess this blog is just about what's been going on in the past few days. Aside from Thanksgiving, I had a sort of blowout with a close friend. At the beginning of this week, she found out that this guy named Alan likes her, and she doesn't like him back. First of all, she's supposed to like this guy named Ryan, or so she tells me. The reason she broke up with her boyfriend is because she said she "used him to get over Ryan, and I don't love Ryan, but still, it's not fair." So she is all squirmish around Alan. Then, the next day, she is talking to my sister online and telling her how she is upset because apparently she liked Alan for weeks now but when she confronted him about it, he said he didn't like her as anything more than a friend. Hmm, so we're close friends? Thanks for not telling me that, honey. I'm tired of the "I thought you would get mad" excuse, because when you get right down to it, the two of us have no real friendship, I have some issue with myself, where I can't tell her anything I'm feeling or thinking, and obviously she can't tell me anything either. All we talk about is Tyler or Jack's Mannequin, because we have nothing else to talk about. Or she'll tell me some stupid marching band story and I'll tell her some random story and neither of us are really listening, but we just keep talking and going on like this. Ever since we went from casual school friends to close, almost best friends, we've had conflicts. A lot of them. Every few months it happens. And it's usually over something dumb and we stop talking and spending time together. Eventually everything heals up, but we never solve the problem, we put it behind us, which unfortunately means it's not really solved. I'm done with her. I really am. I told her that, and while she's across the goddamn country in California, she texts my sister asking if I'm still mad at her. Okay, so that's considerate, I guess. She's across the country and she's thinking about me. But then when my sister explains what's going on, and how I don't want to deal with her anymore, she says, "Well we'll just talk when I get back."
...
The point of this was so that I don't have to talk to you when you get back. Do you know why? Because then we'll forget about it, and the cycle will start over again. She kept saying how she wasn't going to let this go, like I don't have the ability to cut something off on my own and make a decision. She keeps saying how it's ridiculous I hate her all of a sudden (which I don't, but I did spring this on her). I explained to her how I felt about the situation and she keeps clinging. Then she says, "I'm not letting her ruin my trip."
...You're the one who texted my sister.
"Tell Laura I laughed and said goodbye."
Oh, so now this is a joke to you? Five minutes ago you were freaking out. Good one.

SO in other news, I saw Twilight again with my mother because she wanted to see it. Before the movie started I told her this book is the reason I am so screwed up with boys. Ever since reading it years ago, at a very young age, all the boys seemed immature and incompetent. No one was my Edward Cullen. I mean, sure, there were attractive guys, but they were nothing special. They were too goofy and didn't care enough. I could never find someone I could really love, and when I did, it turned out badly. (Side note: I almost thought I left Tyler behind and then a picture of him comes up on my Facebook home page today and all my barriers fell. So much for that.)
So now my mother understands my problem, but I'm going to continue having problems if I'm only accepting my Edward Cullen. I'll have to lower my standards and settle for less, apparently.
As if God wanted to prove my point about guys my age (I decided to use those two words because, Arthur, if you're reading this, you are completely excluded. None of this is towards you. You're not one of these kinds of guys cos, well, you're just too great.) behind immature and aggravating, five minutes before the movie starts, this group of people comes in. It looked like a mother and her daughter and son, but the son didn't want to be dragged to this movie alone, so he brought, oh say, four friends. The whole goddamn theater is empty and they decide to sit next to me. Great. They mocked it before the movie, saying in girlish voices, "Ohmygawd guys, I've been waiting to see Edward's sexy body for sooo longgg nowww...I can't believe it's finally here." Really. shut the fuck up, boys. You're only making me lose more faith in you. They continued throughout the whole movie, and not to mention this guy next to me, his goddamn elbow was in my personal bubble. I was ready to smack someone.
BUT about the movie, I liked it more the second time. I was able to take it more seriously, although the awkward and funny-when-they're-not-supposed-to-be parts were still sort of visible. I think they always will be, I'll just be able to look beyond that and recognize that it's not a horrible film at all.
It's honestly almost depressing. Just like the book, the movie made me want my Edward Cullen. I loved that he wasn't there just to see how far he could go with Bella and all, I loved that he was so devoted to her. I loved that they could just talk about each other, find out more about each other, and it was alright. You don't always have to be doing something exciting with someone to enjoy their company. It makes me depressed because sometimes I doubt there's anyone out there like that. For me, at least.
The music in the movie is pretty great too. I put the soundtrack on my Christmas list and listened to most of the songs on YouTube. "Eyes On Fire" by The Blue Foundation and "Flightless Bird, American Mouth" by Iron & Wine really got to me. The Iron & Wine song made me cry. Just the way the lyric, "Have I found you?" sounds, I could die of sorrow when I hear it. I like the Paramore songs a lot too, which is a pleasant surprise, considering I'm not a major fan of them anymore. It seems like the whole album has so much emotion.

And before I post this, heeeere is a shout out to Amber, who I had a pleasant two and a half hour phone conversation with tonight. I really do wish you lived closer. It's really sad. Then we could have freaked out over Emmett Cullen creepin' on us together. :)

I guess this post wasn't such a blank after all.

Yay For Thanksgiving

Not that I really like Thanksgiving anyway.
Not that's it even Thanksgiving yet.
It's just, I'm off from school until Monday now, and my house is set up for Thursday, so I'm ready for it. I like Thanksgiving but not because of the holiday itself...if that makes any sense. I like it because it's a short break from school, and my whole house changes. We have the family over our house on Thanksgiving and the kitchen table is moved next to the dining room table. Both of those are set up with fancy plates and glasses, and we take another table from the garage and move it into the place where the kitchen table used to be. I don't know why, but I like that. It's still the same house, but it has a different feel. I like the anticipation of waiting for company or waiting for a holiday to arrive. It's almost half the fun of the event itself.
I love the way my house feels afterwards, too. During the get together, everyone is loud (I mean, my family is Italian, we get pretty loud) and a little drunk. The football game is always on the television with the volume turned up too high because all the loud talking and lack of decent hearing in the older family members makes it impossible to hear. Everything is chaos, but it's a good sort of chaos, because there's nothing stressful about it. But once everyone leaves, it's like the whole house is taking this sigh of relief. My house still feels crowded even though it's empty and quiet, aside from the shuffling of my parents from room to room. It's the best time to watch a good movie and eat leftovers. Hahah.

On a random side note, I'm coughing my lungs up. I feel better, and my cold is going away for the MOST part, but the cough is sticking. My throat is just kind of tickly, and that's the worst.
And another random side note, I think everyone needs to go find tonight's episode of House and watch it. That is some intense shit right there. I was yelling at my television.

Flashback

This is reminding me of the first post I ever made in this blog. It's a Sunday afternoon, and I can't focus on ANYTHING. I have to read about goddamn cell membranes for biology, read more for insights, study for three tests, and then watch the news at 6:30. It's because we're having a quiz in insights and the three extra credit questions are always on the news. I tried doing my biology homework last night, and that didn't work. Lately I've felt tired all the time, so basically I sat around last night and watched movies. This is why I hate being sick. I'm not the kind of person that can sit around all day and get nothing done. I need to be somewhat productive. I need to be doing something. Being sick usually prevents me from doing anything. Chaining myself to a couch or bed is torturous.
Now I can't even remember what I came here to talk about.
I don't know.
Random, but today I watched 27 Dresses because it was on TV and there was nothing else decent on. I didn't want to watch it, really. I had it on while I was eating lunch, but it was actually good. I was surprised I enjoyed it. It was predictable, but that didn't take away from its charm.

...
This isn't working.
I need to get something done.

Yes I Am Going to Talk About Twilight. SUCK IT.

So I saw Twilight earlier tonight. For background information on my history with the series, I received Twilight four Christmases ago, in a Gap box. My parents always did that sort of thing, so I never knew when they got me a book. It never worked because I ended up rattling the boxes. Anyway, I was young, but I was pretty into it. I liked it a lot, and couldn't wait for New Moon to come out. I am also protective, as most people know, and enjoyed the fact that the book felt like it was mine, in a way. I only had one friend who read it, because of my suggestion, and no one else cared. We read New Moon in 8th grade, two years ago, and I remember her leaning over every day during Spanish class and whispering, "Did Bella jump off the cliff yet?" The two of us had a strange relationship with the series. We loved it to the point where mocking it didn't necessarily mean we hated it. It was sort of like teasing a close friend. It didn't mean anything harmful. With Eclipse and Breaking Dawn, the series exploded, without warning, and I was bitter as all hell. Breaking Dawn not included (didn't even finish it, the book was so horrible), I still loved the series, I just wasn't goddamn insane. I would never admit how much I enjoyed it in public.
I was bitter about the idea of a movie too. My friend and I suggested standing in the middle of a road in Hollywood, just to protest against this movie. I went into it expecting it to be horrible. I was sick of all the goddamn girls in Twilight or Edward shirts, sick of all the media around the entire project.
In some ways, I was proved wrong. All of the characters fit. They really did. All of them. Everyone looked how they were supposed to look and the atmosphere was perfect. It was generally dark, which was expected, but the Cullens house was the perfect balance. Everything just fit like that. It was sharp. Even the graduation caps lined on the wall was a nice touch. Visually, the movie was exactly what I wanted. Everything else...not so much. Most of the acting was extremely flat, aside from, say, Emmett or Alice. Edward and Bella kept the same tone of voice and expression throughout the whole movie, and I swear to God, if Edward's eyes widened any more, or Bella's face twitched more when she talked, I was going to wet my pants laughing. It was a genuinely funny movie, but it had little substance. The jokes were great the first time around, but it's not going to be the kind of movie I'll watch over and over. It will get old easily. There were parts that weren't funny, but I laughed anyway. I couldn't help it.
Some of the most significant parts were overdramatic, even the first two minutes. I loved the movie opening with the deer, with it being such an important symbol. Although I don't know if anyone else picked up on this, I figured the deer was a symbol of Bella and her innocence. Deer are always considered innocent animals, as if accidentally hitting a deer with your car is ten times worse than hitting another animal. I liked how right before the story started, the deer was taken away by someone who looked a lot like Edward. I might be wrong about that, but it relates to how everyone thought Edward was going to hurt Bella, and kill her or get her killed. Like how in that first minute of the movie, when the deer took off running, I was sure it was going to be killed. But it wasn't, it was just taken away. By keeping Bella human, Edward was attempting to preserve this innocence and purity she had. That first two minutes was so important, but it was overdone. It looked overdramatic, such as the part when the Cullens first appear. We don't need slow motion to see them clearly. The "suspenseful" moments were too much.
However, the last scene, the scene we're they're dancing outside at the prom, that part really moved me. The feeling I was hoping to get throughout the whole movie came in those last five minutes. It wasn't boring, but it wasn't overdone. It ended on a really great note, setting the stage for New Moon without getting too far into it.
With the characters and setting being amazing but everything else being almost weak, I'd say the movie was alright. Decent, and quite entertaining, depending on your mood. It will never be amazing and timeless, like Harry Potter, but that doesn't mean it's horrible.

Quick Stop

This one is going to be short and fast, since I have so much time. It's kind of weird because usually I write long blogs when I have too much to do and I'm trying to procrastinate. Tonight I don't have a lot of homework. I'm done, in fact, and I didn't start till 5. So I'm going to go read and hopefully not fall asleep by accident. 

I just stopped quickly to commit to paper this thought that's been running through my mind the past few days or so:

I feel like, as we grow older, (my friends, the people I go to school with, etc.) I feel like everyone's beginning to pair off, and I won't find a partner. It's happening, slowly, but it's happening. 

Maybe I don't need a goddamn partner. 

Maybe it's too early to worry about this. 

More Favorite Photos

First Time

I'm at school, and on one of the laptops in my Journalism class. The journalism I and II kids are all meshed into one class, but my class only has five kids anyway. We had eight to start, but three of them dropped, one being one of my close friends. But I'm not bitter about that anymore. Bottom line is, we have five kids in the class. There's two more today, cos the school paper is coming out soon, meaning the editors are rushing to get their sections and pages done. My teacher is showing the journalism I kids how to use In Design and lay out pages. I mean, they're not kids. Two of them are seniors, but I call everyone a kid. I don't mean to. Gosh, I keep getting off track.
Anyway, this is my first time ever going on Facebook and whatnot at school. I'd never done it before, honest to God. But I finished all my work for this class, I already laid out my page and fixed one of the other pages in the section, and I did all my homework. So far, I have no homework tonight except take some more pictures to be safe, and possibly edit my CAPT practice essay for insights. It's not due until December, but mine is already finished and typed up. My friend is editing it next period, in insights class. So now I have nothing to do. Nothing. It feels pretty good, but I feel bad sitting here behind my teacher's back, doing exactly what is not allowed in school. I feel somewhere between bad and badass. I doubt my teacher would even mind if he saw me. He may right now. He's five feet to my right. But he doesn't really care. I'm a good student, so a day or two off isn't going to kill me. I'm not interrupting him.
I'm thinking I might watch a movie tonight, to relax, because I have time on my hands, and that feels good, for sure. But there's other stuff I should be doing. I want to finish my book, possibly start another one, maybe write some more, and I should walk too. I haven't walked in a long time. I used to walk a mile and a half every day, almost compulsively, but it's been so damn cold lately. I complain during the summer and say I'd rather have it be cold outside, but if you want to know the truth, I hate cold weather too. I'd rather have it be cold than hot. That much is true, but still, that doesn't mean I don't hate cold weather. I went up my grandparents' house for a few days to walk on the treadmill, but I stopped. No particular reason, I just did.
So I don't know what I'm going to do with myself tonight. I guess I'll figure that out tonight.
This blog has turned into a useless ramble.
To continue the rambling, I have an organizational meeting for indoor track afterschool today.
I fucking hate indoor track.
You don't even know.
I don't know if I've ever hated anything like I hate indoor track. My dad bothered me to no end last year, to get me to join, and I did, just to shut him up. I told him I would join and keep a goddamn open mind about it, alright? Are you happy now?
Well I joined, and I stuck to it, all the way through. I even went to all the meets and barely missed a practice unless I had to. I didn't even cut corners during practice, like my friends did.
But I still hated it.
And my dad still wants me to do it. My damn weight isn't an issue. That was his excuse, that I needed indoor track to keep my weight in check, but over the summer, I didn't do any sports. Not even softball. And you know, mister, I lost nine pounds. On my own, just to shove it in his overweight face.
But I still have to do indoor track.
This year, there are tryouts, which never happened before. Before it was just, hey, you want to join, come on, join. No tryouts, no running test, and all. This year apparently there are try outs. I don't exactly know how to feel about that. I'm happy because I highly doubt I will make the team. I'm not a horrible runner or anything, but when I do run, I might as well have, "I HATE THIS" written across my forehead. I mean it. I look miserable. Maybe they'll put me out of my misery and not put me on the team.
My dad might hate me forever, but that's alright.
When my mom told me there were tryouts this year, she said it's alright if I don't make it. I have a feeling she's as far on my side as she'll ever be.
Bell's going to ring soon, so I'm out. This ramble prevented me from getting to JM.org, but whatever. As I said, I have time tonight. Hopefully I won't accidentally fall asleep for two hours again.
I'll post the rest of my favorite photos here later. And my last video is going up on Facebook tonight.
Just so you know.

Favorite Photos

More to come...

Hammers and Strings - 11/16/08

I don't think the day could have gone any better. For days before, it poured, and all I could imagine was myself sitting in the rain outside Toad's Place for hours on end. I had done it for an hour and a half while waiting for Cobra Starship, and it was not the funnest time in the world. Thankfully, the rain stopped the night before, and it was sunny as all hell on Sunday morning. It took months to convince my parents to leave at 12, because I wanted to get there for 12:30 and they, obviously, did not. All worked out in the end.
I practically jumped into the backseat of the car, confirmation emails and sloppily written directions spread out in the backseat next to me. I attempted to find a small spot for my bag and eventually shoved it against the other door. Up in the front seat, my parents were arguing about something as my dad set up the GPS. Finally I realized my mom was addressing me.
"Laura," she was repeating. "Where's The Glass Passenger?"
"Oh, not that album again..." my dad moaned. He was being overdramatic and knew it, because he sincerely liked that album. He was just giving us a hard time for using him as our personal taxi driver.
"Shut up, Will," my mom snapped. I had heard that tone of a voice from her too much lately, but this time I laughed. I was laughing at a lot of things today, things that weren't even funny. But there wasn't really anything wrong with that. I laughed when the GPS said the arrival time was exactly 12:30, and I laughed when I got out of the car in the parking lot and realized just how damn cold it was.
We were 8th in line, which was alright with me.
My mom and I spent an hour and a half cuddled underneath a heavy blanket while my father walked around the shops, keeping warm as we froze our asses off. People stared at us as if we were homeless, which I found pretty funny. After an hour and a half, my dad hung in line while my mom and I went to Barnes and Noble. I insisted we get back in line by 3:30, which she had a tough time understanding, and I didn't fully understand either. I had always had a feeling that 3:30 was a good time for band members to come out, ever since Poughkeepsie. Sure enough, five minutes after we got back in line, I saw almost everyone. Casper, Bobby, Dr. J, and Jay Mac walked back and forth every few minutes. We watched Treaty of Paris pull in with their van and walk into the building, and Nate arrived alone an hour or so later. He was much smaller and skinnier than I imagined, a trait my mom called being "drug addict thin." I'll admit I laughed when almost every band member couldn't find their way into the building, They all tried the front entrance instead of the other door fifteen feet to the left. It was hidden, pushed back into the wall, so they all missed it, and when they didn't, it was locked. Bobby pulled out his cell at one point and called someone inside the building to let them in, but by the time the guy came to open the door, he had walked away. The poor was standing there saying, "Where's Bobby? Where'd Bobby go?"
I kept laughing and feeling bad after, but I bet I looked pretty foolish with a big hoodie and a heavy blanket wrapped around me like a cocoon. I brought more than one book, but my hands were so cold I couldn't take them out of my sleeves.
So they had all the rights in the world to laugh at me.
Nate walked around by his lonesome more than anyone else, in and out of the building, up and down the street, for over an hour. Gosh, he looked so sad and serious, and I wanted to say something, anything, maybe just a "hey Nate, how are you?" but I couldn't. I always got quiet in front of band members, even when they were directly in front of me, especially they were right in front of me. So I never said anything, and when one girl did, he stopped to talk. He had the greatest smile that, in turn, made me smile, even though my teeth were chattering like madmen. He told us were were all crazy for sitting out there, and half of me wanted to agree with him. I was crazy, and I knew it.
But I kind of liked it.
Andrew came out around 4. He walked by and said, "How are you guys? You holding up?" and then walked into the building. I figured that was as close as I was going to get to meeting him. Since it was a Sunday night and all, I wasn't allowed to hang around after the show, like I usually did. I had school the next day, not to mention an essay to write at 7:30 the next morning.
Thankfully, I was wrong. Somewhere around 5, my mom and I walked to a nearby cafe to use the bathroom. It took longer than I expected, partly because it was so goddamn warm in there, neither of us wanted to leave, and partly because there was no toilet paper in either of the bathrooms. I was red as hell when my mom went right up front to tell a worker, standing next to a guy who was ordering a drink and probably didn't care to know about the status of the toilet paper in the bathroom. But what was I going to do? I mean, after all, I did have to use the bathroom.
When we came out, the first ten people in line were in a small mob. I could see them from where I was, halfway down the street, and Casper was standing in the middle. Honestly, I thought there was something going on with tickets. I don't even know. I didn't suspect anything major, but I sort of ran over there anyway. Just to see what was going on. I heard my dad yell my name loudly, and all of sudden his hand was on my back and he was shoving me forward. I was still confused, but I looked up and realized I had almost pitched forward into Andrew. He was standing in front of me, mustache and all, with his hand extended. I shook his hand and he said, "How ya doin'?" I don't remember how I responded, or if I did at all, because my dad then said, "Andrew, this is my daughter, Laura."
I found out later that my dad had told Andrew, "We've been here since 12:30, but my daughter just went to the bathroom. Man, she is not gonna believe you came out!" He said that was too bad, but I came out in time. Andrew didn't even mind waiting a minute while I dug through my bag to find my camera, and waiting while my mom was confused to death by the camera.
All in all, it was an amazing day and an amazing night. Hammers and Strings was one of the only tours where I absolutely loved every band there. I wasnt sure how Treaty of Paris was going to be acoustic, but I really really enjoyed their set. They were all sweet guys and my friend and I already made a pact to see them again, no matter what. Same with Fun. Nate mentioned that there would be a full band and an upcoming album/tour, so I will definitely be there. I don't even feel the need to express how amazing Jack's was...it's sort of a given. The crowd got rougher than I expected they would be and for a moment I wondered what would happen if I broke a rib or something, being pushed so hard. Not to mention that goddamn elbow in my ear for ten minutes. Luckily, Andrew told the crowd the quit the shoving and pushing, because everyone in the front row was getting the worst of it.
I took way too many pictures (265, to be exact, which took five Facebook photo albums even when I deleted a few of the mess up shots). I called two people too, and it felt really good to know I sort of made their days with that. I have two pictures where Andrew is looking at the camera, and a couple great shots of Dr. J. I don't even understand how I get these pictures, because for the most part, I just point and click. These were some of the best concert photos I've taken though.
Everything fit together perfectly.
I had never felt more content, more at home, than I did right then. Nothing else mattered. Even if it only lasted one day, nothing else mattered except having an amazing night.
Those kinds of days are the best.
Most of the time, Jack's Mannequin shows are the few times I feel like I've found my place.

I Saw This Coming A Mile Away

I really did. I saw it. God. 

I hope she breaks his fucking heart. I can't wait till she fucking graduates and dumps him like it was all nothing.

I hope it's all nothing.

I don't even care.

Yes I do, who am I kidding.

But it's not going to get to me today. I'm leaving for Toad's Place in exactly an hour and forty minutes and seeing Jack's Mannequin tonight.

I AM PUUMMPPPEEDDDD, even if I have to wait in line for six and a half hours. It will all be worth it.

I can save any breakdowns for tomorrow. Today, everything is on hold.

I'll be sure to take plenty pictures and videos. :) 

I Love Rain

The title of this blog has absolutely nothing to do with what I'm going to write, but I just figured I'd point it out. It's been raining and foggy for a few days now, and I love it. Especially when I'm in school and it's raining. I know that doesn't make much sense, but somehow it makes the school day easier to deal with. It makes things feel more comfortable. I should have worn my pajamas to school, or something. That would have been really nice.
Speaking of school, we started reading Catcher in the Rye in English class, and I'm almost halfway done. It's not due until Thursday, but whatever. I really like it. People either love it or hate it, my father being one of the latter, along with most of my friends. I really like it though. I noticed that there was no plot summary to be found, not on the back, and not on the inside either, but I think that's because there is no plot. I mean, there's obviously something going on the whole time, but the story is not centered around an event or problem like most books are. The book is more about the main character than anything else. I happen to like him a lot, too, even if he says, "I really am" way too much. It adds to his quirky character. I tend to like when characters have weird habits about them because it makes them seem more real. Because I doubt there's a person alive who doesn't have one bad habit, at the bare minimum.
This post was definitely not supposed to be about all that, but I got off track for a moment. I do that a lot. What I really wanted to write about was this strange and almost unsettling thought I had the other night. I went out with my dad to get dinner, and I don't mean a sit down restaurant and all that. I mean a take out place. I was sitting in the car because I don't really get out unless I have to. I'm there more for the car ride than anything else. So my dad went in Subway to pick up food for my sister, and when he came back he said he ran into the mother of my best friend for fives years. All through elementary school, this girl and I, we were best friends. Inseperable. I mean, my absolute best friends lives in Hamden, and my mom is best friends with her mom, and my sister is best friends with her sister, but for those reasons I consider her family. This girl whose mother my dad ran into, she was my best friend at home. Plus, it is possible to have more than one best friend. We never had a big fight, ever, I don't think. We were polar opposites for the most part, but we didn't even argue when we both had a crush on the same guy in fifth grade. We just giggled over him together. So I don't really understand why we stopped talking, but it happened. She stopped sitting next to me on the bus and I stopped calling her up. Pretty soon I stopped smiling, and she stopped making eye contact. We barely saw each other except in homeroom. This is how most of middle school and freshman year of high school went. I hung out with her for a full day one time, before 8th grade, because I said I missed her. She was going to only stay for two hours, but she ended up being with me the whole day. But still, after that one time, it was like nothing happened. We were back to ignoring each other.
Only when the mother of one of our mutual friends died did she talk to me. She called me first thing, but I wasn't home. Gosh, I wish she had my cell phone number or something. But she didn't and she just told my mom to inform me of her calling. It felt good to know I was the first one she thought to call. Later that night, she IMed me and said she wanted to talk. I was happy, but I thought, if it takes tragedy to get her to speak with me, then maybe I should forget those five years.
Recently I had a reunion sort of thing, with my old elementary school best friends, and she was there. We hit it off fine, and after a few minutes, it was like nothing changed. I told her some things I had only told my close friends. It was a fun time.
The next day she got on the bus and sat next to one of the other girls who was there, and they started talking and laughing. That was good.
But we haven't talked since. And when my dad told me she ran into her mother, and we drove past her house on the way home, I realized:
Sometimes I wish she was my best friend instead of my best friend I have now, from school. I'm not counting the bestbest friend from Hamden. I mean, my other one, the one from school. It's her birthday today too, the best friend from school. Gosh, I know that sounds horrible, but it's true. Half the time I'm kind of aggravated by her. I don't know why. I feel bad because our whole friendship revolves around her telling me stupid marching band stories about people I don't know and frankly, don't care about, and then her asking me about Tyler. I really try to tell her about other things, but when she asks about Tyler, I have to answer. Just the other day, the first thing she said was, "Did you see him today?"
I feel bad always talking to her about him, but she asks sometimes, for God's sake. And I have to sit through her stories. So it's an even trade. But it's nothing like the friendship I had for five years, back in elementary school.
I'm just being honest.