I can't remember my dream from last night, but two nights ago I had multiple dreams in one night, so I figured I'd document them here. I hate forgetting dreams, especially those times when you wake up and you can still feel the dream lingering at the front of your mind. All of your senses are still trapped in the dream, and it's so close. But it seems that as soon as you try to grasp it, it disappears. Because that frustrates and upsets me so much, I want to get this in writing before I slack off and eventually forget it.
First I dreamt that I was at a softball field, and my sister's travel team was playing, except my sister wasn't there. My father wanted me to play softball so bad that he disguised me as my sister and put me out in left field. Me, being the bitch that I am, gave him attitude about it, and refused to cooperate. Whenever a ball was hit to me, I stood there and didn't movie. It felt extremely satisfying, but my dad wanted to smack me. When the game ended, we started arguing, and I really started to think he was going to smack me, but then one of the other coaches came back with pizza and we stopped yelling. The three of us were sitting at a table exactly like the one my grandparents have on their back porch. The legs of the table are made of metal, which is painted white but flaking horribly, and the top is blurry glass. There's a hole in the middle where a green umbrella sticks through, and come to think of it, everything besides the table was green in that dream. The grass was unnaturally green, too bright to be real, and everything else was white, even the sky. My dad and the other coach were too busy shoveling pizza in their mouths to argue with me, and they didn't even offer me any pizza. Not that I would have taken one.
There was no segway between my dreams. All of a sudden I was sitting on a pool deck outside a hotel, and everything surrounding me was blue, purple, or dark red. All of the furniture, the color of the hotel, right down to the railings on the stairs. I don't know where my sister and my father were, but it was just my mother and I staying in our room. The hotel was pretty crappy. We had a decent sized room and bathroom, but everything looked a hundred years old. The bed was sagging to the point where I feared it would collapse if I laid on it. So I didn't, which explains why I was outside on the pool deck at night. My sister's coach was there, not sitting in a lawn chair, but lying on the concrete, one blanket below him and one blanket beneath. Not surprisingly, the blankets were purple and dark red. He looked at me and said, "I'm going to take a champion nap." I looked at him funny and asked what a "champion nap" was. As if I was an idiot or something, he said, "It's when you win a game and you're so proud of yourself, you need to nap. You're a winner, but you're tired. You don't take regular naps. You take champion naps." I didn't know what to say to this, so I kept quiet and watched him sandwich himself in between the two blankets, which appeared hard and unmoving. My mother and my aunt were coming in through the entrance to the pool area, and since I didn't feel much like talking with them, I left. After a minute or so I realized that my mother had the key for our hotel room, so I was wandering around when a small boy stopped in front of me. He was no more than five years old, with caramel brown hair and eyes that looked black but I hoped weren't. He didn't say anything, but he kept looking up at me with his dark eyes and I asked in babying voice, "Are you lost?" The boy smiled in a way that gave me chills, and he laughed, saying, "Far from it. Let's go." I had no idea who he was, but I followed him anyway. He was strangely small, but he spoke as if he was a man. I don't mean his voice was deep like a man's, but his dialect and word choice proved him older and more intelligent than I assumed. I followed this strange boy to his hotel room, except it was more like five rooms. One of the beds was crumpled in the way I thought mine would collapse, but he said it was a fair trade for getting more than one room. Sitting cross-legged in the middle of one room was another boy. He was taller than the first one, but his eyes were bright green and large. He looked up at me, sneered, and asked, "What, is your hotel room only one room?" Now I felt stupid, but I would have felt worse if he caught me lying, so I told him the truth, yes, we only had one room. After that, everything gets a little fuzzy, but I remember going back to the pool deck alone and asking my mom for the key. It was midnight now, but she wouldn't hand it over, and that's where the dream cuts off.
Next thing I know, I was walking through the front doors of my high school. It was the first day back from Christmas break, and I was early. I decided to walk around the bottom floor and find one of my friends before heading upstairs to my locker. The majority of the bottom floor is one large square, except everything was white with certain tiles being red or green. It looked almost like the tiles in my old elementary school. Another weird aspect was that the farther and faster I walked, the more the square seemed to grow and expand, preventing me from ever making it all the way around. The halls got more and more crowded, but I couldn't find a single friend. Somehow I wound up walking next to this girl I've seen maybe five times in my life, never talked to. Her name is Ashley, and I was walking next to her and someone else I can't remember. We passed by Lee (the kid in my algebra and insights class), and Ashley waved to him. He waved back and pointed a finger at me, but he looked different. His shoulders were broad and his neck thicker, almost as if he spent his entire Christmas break in the gym. It was weird, but the hallway was so crowded I didn't have any room to take another look at him. I broke free from Ashley and started walking faster, through mobs of people, until I found my way out of the square. I finally found the commons, and it was then I realized I forgot my locker number and combination. I freaked out, trying to think back, when one of my friends yelled my name from the other side of the commons. She was wearing an aqua green hoodie I've never seen before and carrying her tote bag over her shoulder as she ran towards me. I yelled back that I needed to find my locker and she could come if she wants, but I'm not being late to class.
Finally I woke up.
Now, completely off the topic of dreams, I saw The Curious Case of Benjamin Button this morning (yes, this morning, my best friend and I went at 11:30 AM because that's when all the cool kids go to the movies). I expected it to be really great but sort of drag on. I was surprised when it didn't. The movie didn't feel long at all, and I absolutely loved it. In most movies, it's a story being told of a certain time in someone's life. It's a part of their life; the key word here being "part." In Benjamin Button, you get to see his entire life unfold. It's quite a powerful movie. I would write more about it, but I'm tired of typing now. Maybe later.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Friday, December 26, 2008
Tired All The Time
That pretty much describes me at the moment. Even though I get a solid amount of sleep during the night, I end up falling asleep in the middle of the day. I think it's because my house is so cold that I sit in front of the mini heater all day and read, which makes me tired. I guess it's not so bad, considering when I'm not on break all I want to do is sleep. I just feel lazy now.
Oh well.
I can't think of anything else to write except that I'm praying my best friend and her mom agree to get together with us today. I miss her.
Oh yeah, and I had some weird dreams last night but I don't feel like writing about that now.
Peace out.
Oh well.
I can't think of anything else to write except that I'm praying my best friend and her mom agree to get together with us today. I miss her.
Oh yeah, and I had some weird dreams last night but I don't feel like writing about that now.
Peace out.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Sibling Rivalry
I never thought I'd admit this out loud, much less to myself, but it's gotten to the point where I can easily say I'm starting to hate my sister. I really am. It's not like we fights twenty four hours a day or something, but maybe I'd rather have it like that. Every family fights. But my sister and I, now, we just don't talk. Not at all. And if we do, we're either asking to borrow clothes or she's telling me to "shut up cos it's none of your damn business anyway." To be blunt, my sister is a bitch. I know I can be a bitch too, but at least when I am it's more of a "I'm going to tell you how it is because you need to hear it, not because you want to" sort of way. My sister is an ignorant bitch. She brings her cell phone EVERYWHERE, which I guess is understandable, and it's not the fact that she brings it everywhere. It's the fact that she's always texting, even when she's over someone else's house or people are over ours. When we had a family party for my grandfather's birthday, my sister locked herself downstairs for half the time, and when she came up, all she did was text. I went out later, and on the way home, I had to pick my sister up from my aunt's house. I thought that was nice, since my aunt is always pushing for us to do stuff with her. She hasn't fully realized that we're no longer five years old, and it sort of breaks my heart, but I can't accomodate my friends and my aunt at the same time. So I was actually proud of my sister that she hung out with my aunt. But then, when I went to pick her up, she was lying the couch, texting, as my aunt chattered away, completely oblivious to the fact that my sister wasn't listening. It took so much will power not to yell at her, or smack her, or both. Honestly, that's fucking rude. I don't care if the person you're talking to doesn't care, or doesn't notice, it's still fucking rude. Not only that, but my sister manipulates everyone. Unlike I ever was, she's loud and outgoing in school, naturally causing people to flock and follow her. She convinces people to do whatever she tells them to, and really that's none of my business, but when you start transferring that to home life, now it's my business. All she does is sit her ass on the couch and text or watch television, yet she's asking for someone to get her cereal or make her a sandwich. What's worse is, my mom accomodates her. Not because my mom feels like she should or wants to, but because Christie won't take no for an answer. She'll ask repeatedly until my mom caves in. One time, I came home and my mom told me to make Christie a sandwhich. I look over, and my sister is sitting on the couch, with the television, the laptop next to her, and her cell phone in one hand. Excuse me? Oh yeah, I'm sure my sister the fucking eleven year old seventh grader, I'm sure she had a horribly stressful day at school. Oh yes, I understand she can't get her ass up to make a sandwhich herself.
HA.
Are you kidding me. I told Christie straight up, get the fuck off the couch and do it yourself. You know how. You just don't want to. Just because you can manipulate your stupid friends, it doesn't mean you can manipulate family. I won't let it happen. I am not your bitch.
It felt so great to say all that to her, you don't even know, and I can't even describe it. Unfortunately, my mom yelled at me and then forced me to make the sandwich.
But I did wait a solid thirty minutes before doing it, just to piss my sister off.
Now, her boyfriend (whose name is Douchepacker, for the record) is over all the time, which wouldn't bother me if he wasn't such an asshole. Really, I want to fucking smack the shit out of this kid. He seemed polite when he first came over and introduced himself to my parents, but as soon as my mom left the room, he nudged his (Douchepacker II) friend, gestured toward my mom's turned back, and whispered something, smirking. I almost blew a fuse. I swear to God. And of course, when him and my sister are downstairs, the door has to be shut. (CAN YOU PLEASE KEEP IN MIND THAT MY SISTER JUST TURNED TWELVE?!) Then last night, my neighbors came over (one of which was dragged unwillingly because Christie is manipulative, as I said, and made him come to make it seem more casual than just her and her boyfriend). One of them is a year older than me, a junior in high school, and she went downstairs for a second to ask her younger brother something and to say hello to my sister. My sister glared at her and didn't say hello back. Fucking bitch. So then this girl says, "Okay, I'll leave you guys alone now" and Douchepacker sneers and mumbles, "Finally. That would be appreciated."
I don't think you know how badly I wanted to knock his teeth out.
Earlier, before the rest of the neighbors had arrived, it was just Zac (unwillingly dragged neighbor), Christie, and Douchepackers I and II. I was in the room next to theirs because I had to shower and when I finished, got dressed, and opened the door, Douchepacker II coughed and said something that definitely had the words "ball" and "sex" in it. Douchepacker I started laughing and I turned to them and said, "Grow the fuck up." I bet my sister hated me for that, but my mom came down just then, and when she saw how pissed off I looked, she asked what happened. I said, "Nothing, just admiring how frigging mature kids are these days."
Now my mom wants my sister and I to magically get along, miraculously start talking again because when it comes to family parties, I'm the only one she can talk to, and vice versa. Although I have permission to read the whole time, Christie isn't allowed to bring her cell phone after being so rude, and now we're supposed to talk. In the spirit of Christmas, and just the desire the avoid conflict, I can easily be nice to her, slap on a fake smile.
But we'll never get along like we used to.
HA.
Are you kidding me. I told Christie straight up, get the fuck off the couch and do it yourself. You know how. You just don't want to. Just because you can manipulate your stupid friends, it doesn't mean you can manipulate family. I won't let it happen. I am not your bitch.
It felt so great to say all that to her, you don't even know, and I can't even describe it. Unfortunately, my mom yelled at me and then forced me to make the sandwich.
But I did wait a solid thirty minutes before doing it, just to piss my sister off.
Now, her boyfriend (whose name is Douchepacker, for the record) is over all the time, which wouldn't bother me if he wasn't such an asshole. Really, I want to fucking smack the shit out of this kid. He seemed polite when he first came over and introduced himself to my parents, but as soon as my mom left the room, he nudged his (Douchepacker II) friend, gestured toward my mom's turned back, and whispered something, smirking. I almost blew a fuse. I swear to God. And of course, when him and my sister are downstairs, the door has to be shut. (CAN YOU PLEASE KEEP IN MIND THAT MY SISTER JUST TURNED TWELVE?!) Then last night, my neighbors came over (one of which was dragged unwillingly because Christie is manipulative, as I said, and made him come to make it seem more casual than just her and her boyfriend). One of them is a year older than me, a junior in high school, and she went downstairs for a second to ask her younger brother something and to say hello to my sister. My sister glared at her and didn't say hello back. Fucking bitch. So then this girl says, "Okay, I'll leave you guys alone now" and Douchepacker sneers and mumbles, "Finally. That would be appreciated."
I don't think you know how badly I wanted to knock his teeth out.
Earlier, before the rest of the neighbors had arrived, it was just Zac (unwillingly dragged neighbor), Christie, and Douchepackers I and II. I was in the room next to theirs because I had to shower and when I finished, got dressed, and opened the door, Douchepacker II coughed and said something that definitely had the words "ball" and "sex" in it. Douchepacker I started laughing and I turned to them and said, "Grow the fuck up." I bet my sister hated me for that, but my mom came down just then, and when she saw how pissed off I looked, she asked what happened. I said, "Nothing, just admiring how frigging mature kids are these days."
Now my mom wants my sister and I to magically get along, miraculously start talking again because when it comes to family parties, I'm the only one she can talk to, and vice versa. Although I have permission to read the whole time, Christie isn't allowed to bring her cell phone after being so rude, and now we're supposed to talk. In the spirit of Christmas, and just the desire the avoid conflict, I can easily be nice to her, slap on a fake smile.
But we'll never get along like we used to.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Almost There
I am only one and a half school days away from being on Christmas vacation. It's so close, it's almost killing me. I'm dreading tomorrow and Tuesday. I don't want to take my spanish test, or my algebra quiz. I don't want to get my biology test back, and I think I'd rather crawl into a hole and die than confront my insights teacher about my project. I just want to put it all behind until the new year. But procrastinating is always my stupid solution, so I guess it is best that I get it over with in the next few days. Still, that doesn't mean I'm looking forward to it.
In other non-important news, I sort of had a fiesta at the library yesterday. I think I'm set for a little bit.
Last night I went over my friends house for a small Christmas party, just me, her, and three other girls. It was alright, we just watched The OC and ate candy, I still felt like the fifth wheel though, because they'd all be crowded on one couch and I'm alone on the other, or they'd pair off and be talking and I'm just sitting there. Those parts were a little depressing. But I guess it wasn't bad. Two of them said they were planning to go to California after high school graduation, one of which is one of my best friends. I don't know how to feel about that. I want to go. And I said I wanted to go too (although I just realized now I think I'm going to London, as my mom promised me).
I just lost my train of thought and I want to finish my book.
So I'm out.
This blog was an epic fail.
In other non-important news, I sort of had a fiesta at the library yesterday. I think I'm set for a little bit.
Last night I went over my friends house for a small Christmas party, just me, her, and three other girls. It was alright, we just watched The OC and ate candy, I still felt like the fifth wheel though, because they'd all be crowded on one couch and I'm alone on the other, or they'd pair off and be talking and I'm just sitting there. Those parts were a little depressing. But I guess it wasn't bad. Two of them said they were planning to go to California after high school graduation, one of which is one of my best friends. I don't know how to feel about that. I want to go. And I said I wanted to go too (although I just realized now I think I'm going to London, as my mom promised me).
I just lost my train of thought and I want to finish my book.
So I'm out.
This blog was an epic fail.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
SnowSnowSnow!
Unfortunately, it's not snowing right here, right now. BUT it's supposed to snow tomorrow, anywhere from six to twelve inches, but a more reasonable range would be six to nine (as Tyler in his shirt and tie told the whole student body on the morning announcements). I'm praying we have a snow day tomorrow because honestly, I don't want to go, at all, even though I'm not doing much. I guess the real reason is that I don't want to get my biology test back. I mean, I know I failed, but seeing it in red ink makes it even more depressing. I'm pretty positive we'll have an early dismissal at the very least, but that still means I have to get through biology. Guh.
Another topic I need to ramble about: my mother.
Around a month ago, one of my mom's students that she knows fairly well came to her and said, "Costy (I swear that's what they call her), I need a pass to get out of *insert class name here*!" My mom said no, she couldn't give her a pass, and this girl said, "I'll give you my Facebook password for a week, and you can creep on your daughters!" Wow, way to sell me out there, kid. My mom took the deal but after a week, the girl didn't change her password because she trusted my mom to stick to her word and stop using her Facebook account. However, she didn't, and this morning when I found out, I almost blew a fuse. The fact that this student trusted my mother enough to think, "You know, I trust her to stop, she's a teacher, I don't need to change my password" and my mom went against every bullshit honesty policy she ever had, it drove me crazy. We had a (loud) argument this morning and I said what she was doing wasn't right, even if she was just doing it because my younger sister is too naive and wild and needs to be watched over. My mom said, "Do you have something to hide?! If not, why should it frigging matter if I'm looking at your profile?!" No, I don't have anything to hide. And she doesn't have anything to hide on her work email address. But that still doesn't justify anything if I were to hack into her email. The fact that we don't have anything to hide doesn't make it right to invade our privacy. I told her all that, and said that Amanda (the student) should know what she was doing. She said if I sent any message, I would be "in a lot of fucking trouble," but I don't care. I'm not going to let something like this slip because I'm selfish and don't want to be punished, and she thinks that because she's my mother, she's right all the time. So I sent Amanda a message telling her what my mom was doing. Now, my fate is pretty much in this student's hands.
I got into another argument with my mom afterschool and ran upstairs furious and halfway to tears only to find the first issue in a new series of Umbrella Academy comics sitting on my dresser. It's amazing how when you think someone you love has abandoned you, they appear right when you need them. Thanks & tons of love to Gerard Way for that one.
Andddddddddd I came home to find Amber's Christmas card/gift on my counter. It was two mixes, a lovelyyyy card, and a bracelet (which I didn't discover for a while HAHA I'm smart).
I frigging love you, Amber. That made my day. :)
Another topic I need to ramble about: my mother.
Around a month ago, one of my mom's students that she knows fairly well came to her and said, "Costy (I swear that's what they call her), I need a pass to get out of *insert class name here*!" My mom said no, she couldn't give her a pass, and this girl said, "I'll give you my Facebook password for a week, and you can creep on your daughters!" Wow, way to sell me out there, kid. My mom took the deal but after a week, the girl didn't change her password because she trusted my mom to stick to her word and stop using her Facebook account. However, she didn't, and this morning when I found out, I almost blew a fuse. The fact that this student trusted my mother enough to think, "You know, I trust her to stop, she's a teacher, I don't need to change my password" and my mom went against every bullshit honesty policy she ever had, it drove me crazy. We had a (loud) argument this morning and I said what she was doing wasn't right, even if she was just doing it because my younger sister is too naive and wild and needs to be watched over. My mom said, "Do you have something to hide?! If not, why should it frigging matter if I'm looking at your profile?!" No, I don't have anything to hide. And she doesn't have anything to hide on her work email address. But that still doesn't justify anything if I were to hack into her email. The fact that we don't have anything to hide doesn't make it right to invade our privacy. I told her all that, and said that Amanda (the student) should know what she was doing. She said if I sent any message, I would be "in a lot of fucking trouble," but I don't care. I'm not going to let something like this slip because I'm selfish and don't want to be punished, and she thinks that because she's my mother, she's right all the time. So I sent Amanda a message telling her what my mom was doing. Now, my fate is pretty much in this student's hands.
I got into another argument with my mom afterschool and ran upstairs furious and halfway to tears only to find the first issue in a new series of Umbrella Academy comics sitting on my dresser. It's amazing how when you think someone you love has abandoned you, they appear right when you need them. Thanks & tons of love to Gerard Way for that one.
Andddddddddd I came home to find Amber's Christmas card/gift on my counter. It was two mixes, a lovelyyyy card, and a bracelet (which I didn't discover for a while HAHA I'm smart).
I frigging love you, Amber. That made my day. :)
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
STRESSING
...about my grades.
I can't relax. At all.
I know we're barely halfway through the second marking period but I'm freaking out. I don't even have a lot of homework at the moment, which makes me feel like I'm slacking, even though I do all the homework I get. I just haven't gotten a lot this week.
Ahhh.
I need Christmas break so badly. And snow.
Lots of snow.
Although I did get some shopping done today because my mother made me go with her. At least now I'm not spending the whole winter in t-shirts like I usually do. (I know, I'm really intelligent, I never owned a single sweater or long sleeve before this November.)
The only thing making this week worthwhile is that Amber's card and CDs are coming in the mail Thursday, hopefully.
That's about it.
Sigh.
Oh and this is off topic, but I want some responses on this because I don't know if this is a universal sort of thing or if it's just me. Once in a while, like two or three times a month, I experience one of those nights where my body is asleep but my mind is subconsciously awake. Meaning I wake up in the morning and feel like I haven't really slept at all. It comes sort of like those jolts you get in bed when you're half asleep and dream yourself tripping down stairs or walking off a ledge. So last night was one of those subconsciously awake nights. And of course, last night I actually had a lot of time to sleep. Just my luck. Anyway, I couldn't move my body, but I lying on my back with my head facing the left and my left leg jutted out a little bit. I heard my dad wake up in the middle of the night. I have a feeling it was around 2 AM. But he got up, went to the bathroom, peeked in my doorway, and then came in to shut off the pumpkin shaped night light. I wanted to tell him not to, because I hate when he does that, but I couldn't say anything. Then my mom got up later, around 4 AM, and she went downstairs and turned the TV on. I heard the voices but I didn't know what they were saying. Then she went back upstairs and from there I sort of lost it. I actually fell asleep there. At 5:30 she got up again, turned on the shower, and came to get me up.
I was sleeping, but I heard and clearly remember all that. My body was rested when I woke up, but my mind felt drained. I figured it was reasonably common, like those sleep jolts. But all my friends said they don't know what I'm talking about.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Get Some Sleep, Mr. Durden Sir!
xnoxrewindsx (10:06:09 PM): I won't go to bed until like 1
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:06:54 PM): whadafuuuck
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:07:02 PM): Don't into Tyler Durden now, child.
xnoxrewindsx (10:07:19 PM): way to make sense lol.
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:07:32 PM): wait, that didnt make sense
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:07:33 PM): ?
xnoxrewindsx (10:08:36 PM): Don't into Tyler Durden now, child.
xnoxrewindsx (10:08:48 PM): Don't TURN into, perhaps?
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:08:52 PM): OH
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:08:53 PM): OH
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:08:55 PM): OOPS
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:08:59 PM): I AM TIRED.
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:09:04 PM): HAHAH I ALMOST WROTE I AM TYLER.
xnoxrewindsx (10:09:18 PM): HAHAHAHXAH
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:09:30 PM): HXAH?
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:09:34 PM): GOOD ONE.
xnoxrewindsx (10:09:36 PM): SHUT UP
xnoxrewindsx (10:09:42 PM): I CHOKED ON MY SPIT
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:09:46 PM): HAHHAHHAHAHAHAHA
xnoxrewindsx (10:10:05 PM): NOT
xnoxrewindsx (10:10:06 PM): FUNNY
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:10:32 PM): def. funny
xnoxrewindsx (10:10:45 PM): shutup
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:11:06 PM): psstt
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:11:09 PM): check my profile
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:11:10 PM): HAAH
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:11:36 PM): mwaaahha
xnoxrewindsx (10:12:09 PM): YOU KNOW WHAT
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:12:17 PM): WHAAT
xnoxrewindsx (10:12:25 PM): LOOK AT INE
xnoxrewindsx (10:12:27 PM): STILL
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:12:32 PM): INE?
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:12:35 PM): GOOOOD ONEEE
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:13:03 PM): WELL I AM NOT ASHAMED OF YOURS BECAUSE I AM GOING TO HOGWARTS
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:13:17 PM): THE WORLD NEEDS TO KNOW OF MY GLORIOUS DEPARTURE INTO THE MAGICAL WORLD.
xnoxrewindsx (10:13:28 PM): TO THE SLOW CLASSES
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:13:34 PM): NO
xnoxrewindsx (10:13:43 PM): YES.
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:13:53 PM): JUST YOU WAIT UNTIL I TURN YOU INTO A BUSHBABY
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:14:08 PM): AND BOP YOU AROUND THE ROOM
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:14:18 PM): AND MAKE YOU DANCE THE CHA CHA IN THE CORRIDORS
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:14:21 PM): HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHA
xnoxrewindsx (10:14:37 PM): WHAT TE HELL
xnoxrewindsx (10:14:37 PM): THE
xnoxrewindsx (10:14:37 PM): YOU
xnoxrewindsx (10:14:39 PM): ARE
xnoxrewindsx (10:14:41 PM): SO
xnoxrewindsx (10:14:43 PM): GOING
xnoxrewindsx (10:14:43 PM): TO
xnoxrewindsx (10:14:44 PM): THE
xnoxrewindsx (10:14:45 PM): SLOW
xnoxrewindsx (10:14:47 PM): CLASSES!
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:14:54 PM): I AM NOT!!!!!!
xnoxrewindsx (10:15:01 PM): ARE TOO!!!
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:15:04 PM): WHAT EXACTLY ARE THE SLOW CLASSES?!?!
xnoxrewindsx (10:15:34 PM): NO, YOU'LL BE LEARNING KWIKSPELL WITH FILCH
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:15:43 PM): WILLL NOTTT!!!!!!!!!
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:16:02 PM): RRRAAWWRRR I HAVE TO GO TO SLEEP
xnoxrewindsx (10:16:08 PM): YEAH, SQUIB.
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:16:26 PM): WATCH YOURSELF TONIGHT, AMBER. IF YOU WAKE UP AS A BUSHBABY...
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:16:32 PM): IT'S ON.
xnoxrewindsx (10:16:53 PM): WELL OBVIOUSLY.
xnoxrewindsx (10:17:02 PM): I'LL STILL SICK NEVILLE ON YOU
xnoxrewindsx (10:17:13 PM): SWEAR TO GOD/
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:17:21 PM): WELL THEN I'LL TURN HIM INTO A BUSHBABY
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:17:27 PM): AND YOU CAN BE BUSHBABY LOVERS
xnoxrewindsx (10:17:33 PM): HEY NOW
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:17:36 PM): OR MAYBE I SHOULD TURN HIM INTO SOMETHING THAT EATS YOU
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:17:50 PM): OKAY OKAY TIME OUT
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:17:53 PM): WHEN YOU SAID HEY NOW
xnoxrewindsx (10:17:57 PM): WELL, THEN I'LL MAKE IT SO ALL YOU EVER SEE IS CEDWARD DYING
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:18:01 PM): I GOT THAT HILARY DUFF SONG STUCK IN MY HEAD
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:18:15 PM): HEY NOW, HEY NOOW, THIS IS WHAT DREEEAAMMSS ARE MADE OF!
xnoxrewindsx (10:18:47 PM): OF CEDWARD DYING?!
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:19:01 PM): NOO, YOU SAID HEY NOW
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:19:10 PM): AND MY MIND STARTED PLAYING HILARY DUFF
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:20:03 PM): HEY NOW, HEY NOOWW, THIS IS WHAT DRRREEAAMMSS ARE MADE OF!
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:20:15 PM): ...THAT'S ALL THE WORDS I KNOW
xnoxrewindsx (10:20:25 PM): FAIL
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:20:41 PM): STFU IT'S NOT LIKE I WATCH THE LIZZIE MCGUIRE MOVIE ON A DAILY BASIS
xnoxrewindsx (10:21:02 PM): ...OR DO YOU
xnoxrewindsx (10:21:11 PM): YOU LOVE GORDO LIKE YOU LOVE PONYBOY
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:21:19 PM): WHAT
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:21:28 PM): DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY LOVE FOR PONYBOY
xnoxrewindsx (10:21:41 PM): I BELIEVE I JUST DID.
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:21:57 PM): I THINK YOU'RE THE ONE WATCHING IT ON A DAILY BASIS
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:22:04 PM): COS I DIDNT EVEN REMEMBER GORDO'S NAME
xnoxrewindsx (10:22:09 PM): I JUST GOT IT
xnoxrewindsx (10:22:18 PM): OH, WAIT LIZZIE MCGUIRE
xnoxrewindsx (10:22:22 PM): WE HAVE IT
xnoxrewindsx (10:22:25 PM): ACTUALLY
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:22:28 PM): HAHAHAHAA
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:22:34 PM): I HAVE DOUG'S FIRST MOVIE
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:22:38 PM): DID YOU WATCH DOUG?!
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:22:42 PM): I LIKE DOUG.
xnoxrewindsx (10:22:45 PM): AND ONLY MOVIE
xnoxrewindsx (10:22:48 PM): YEAH
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:22:58 PM): I KNOW LIKE WTF THERE WAS NEVER A SECOND
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:23:06 PM): WAY TO BE A LETDOWN, DOUG.
xnoxrewindsx (10:23:32 PM): HEHEHEH SKEETER.
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:23:45 PM): HAHAHAA.
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:23:47 PM): I WATCHED
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:23:48 PM): ARTHUR
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:23:49 PM): TOO
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:24:12 PM): NOT THE ARTHUR FROM JM.ORG COS THAT MAKES IT SOUND TOTALLY SKETCHY AND CREEPER LIKE
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:24:14 PM): I DONT WATCH HIM
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:24:15 PM): I MEAN
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:24:21 PM): ARTHUR THE AARDVARK
xnoxrewindsx (10:24:35 PM): HAHAHA
xnoxrewindsx (10:24:37 PM): I STILL DO
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:24:42 PM): AT LEAST I THINK HE WAS AN AARDVARK
xnoxrewindsx (10:24:48 PM): YEAH HE WAS
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:25:09 PM): I'VE NEVER EVEN SEEN A LEGITIMATE AARDVARK...
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:25:13 PM): GOOGLE IMAGES!!
xnoxrewindsx (10:25:31 PM): hahahaha
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:25:52 PM): http://animals.nationalgeographic.com/staticfiles/NGS/Shared/StaticFiles/animals/images/800/aardvark.jpg
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:25:53 PM): HAHA
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:26:07 PM): das sexy
xnoxrewindsx (10:26:14 PM): WTF THAT IS SCARY LOOKING
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:26:50 PM): IT LOOKS LIKE WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF A BUNNY AND AN OVERSIZED RAT HAD A SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP
xnoxrewindsx (10:27:03 PM): HAHAHAH
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:27:26 PM): SO IT'S SETTLED, I WILL TURN NEVILLE INTO AN AARDVARK.
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:27:41 PM): MWAAHA
xnoxrewindsx (10:27:45 PM): OKAY.
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:27:52 PM): NOWWW I AM OFF TO SLEEP!!
xnoxrewindsx (10:28:03 PM): finally
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:28:08 PM): haaaa I know right!!
xnoxrewindsx (10:28:10 PM): *coughlosercough*
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:28:16 PM): STFU I LIKE MY SLEEP
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:28:22 PM): SLEEPING IS LIKE THE BEST PART OF MY DAY
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:28:27 PM): NOT TO SOUND DEPRESSING
xnoxrewindsx (10:28:37 PM): hahaaha
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:28:42 PM): aaanyway
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:28:50 PM): get some sleep, Mr. Durden sir.
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:28:52 PM):
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:28:55 PM): Niightt!!!!
xnoxrewindsx (10:29:05 PM): Wait, so are you the narrorator?
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:29:16 PM): surree
xnoxrewindsx (10:29:22 PM): okay, deal.
xnoxrewindsx (10:29:24 PM): niiighT!
xnoxrewindsx (10:29:26 PM): y*
xnoxrewindsx (10:29:28 PM): t**
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:29:29 PM): HAHAHAH FAIL
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:29:32 PM): DOUBLE FAIL
xnoxrewindsx (10:29:39 PM): GO TO BED.
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:06:54 PM): whadafuuuck
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:07:02 PM): Don't into Tyler Durden now, child.
xnoxrewindsx (10:07:19 PM): way to make sense lol.
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:07:32 PM): wait, that didnt make sense
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:07:33 PM): ?
xnoxrewindsx (10:08:36 PM): Don't into Tyler Durden now, child.
xnoxrewindsx (10:08:48 PM): Don't TURN into, perhaps?
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:08:52 PM): OH
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:08:53 PM): OH
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:08:55 PM): OOPS
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:08:59 PM): I AM TIRED.
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:09:04 PM): HAHAH I ALMOST WROTE I AM TYLER.
xnoxrewindsx (10:09:18 PM): HAHAHAHXAH
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:09:30 PM): HXAH?
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:09:34 PM): GOOD ONE.
xnoxrewindsx (10:09:36 PM): SHUT UP
xnoxrewindsx (10:09:42 PM): I CHOKED ON MY SPIT
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:09:46 PM): HAHHAHHAHAHAHAHA
xnoxrewindsx (10:10:05 PM): NOT
xnoxrewindsx (10:10:06 PM): FUNNY
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:10:32 PM): def. funny
xnoxrewindsx (10:10:45 PM): shutup
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:11:06 PM): psstt
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:11:09 PM): check my profile
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:11:10 PM): HAAH
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:11:36 PM): mwaaahha
xnoxrewindsx (10:12:09 PM): YOU KNOW WHAT
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:12:17 PM): WHAAT
xnoxrewindsx (10:12:25 PM): LOOK AT INE
xnoxrewindsx (10:12:27 PM): STILL
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:12:32 PM): INE?
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:12:35 PM): GOOOOD ONEEE
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:13:03 PM): WELL I AM NOT ASHAMED OF YOURS BECAUSE I AM GOING TO HOGWARTS
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:13:17 PM): THE WORLD NEEDS TO KNOW OF MY GLORIOUS DEPARTURE INTO THE MAGICAL WORLD.
xnoxrewindsx (10:13:28 PM): TO THE SLOW CLASSES
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:13:34 PM): NO
xnoxrewindsx (10:13:43 PM): YES.
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:13:53 PM): JUST YOU WAIT UNTIL I TURN YOU INTO A BUSHBABY
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:14:08 PM): AND BOP YOU AROUND THE ROOM
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:14:18 PM): AND MAKE YOU DANCE THE CHA CHA IN THE CORRIDORS
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:14:21 PM): HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHA
xnoxrewindsx (10:14:37 PM): WHAT TE HELL
xnoxrewindsx (10:14:37 PM): THE
xnoxrewindsx (10:14:37 PM): YOU
xnoxrewindsx (10:14:39 PM): ARE
xnoxrewindsx (10:14:41 PM): SO
xnoxrewindsx (10:14:43 PM): GOING
xnoxrewindsx (10:14:43 PM): TO
xnoxrewindsx (10:14:44 PM): THE
xnoxrewindsx (10:14:45 PM): SLOW
xnoxrewindsx (10:14:47 PM): CLASSES!
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:14:54 PM): I AM NOT!!!!!!
xnoxrewindsx (10:15:01 PM): ARE TOO!!!
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:15:04 PM): WHAT EXACTLY ARE THE SLOW CLASSES?!?!
xnoxrewindsx (10:15:34 PM): NO, YOU'LL BE LEARNING KWIKSPELL WITH FILCH
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:15:43 PM): WILLL NOTTT!!!!!!!!!
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:16:02 PM): RRRAAWWRRR I HAVE TO GO TO SLEEP
xnoxrewindsx (10:16:08 PM): YEAH, SQUIB.
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:16:26 PM): WATCH YOURSELF TONIGHT, AMBER. IF YOU WAKE UP AS A BUSHBABY...
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:16:32 PM): IT'S ON.
xnoxrewindsx (10:16:53 PM): WELL OBVIOUSLY.
xnoxrewindsx (10:17:02 PM): I'LL STILL SICK NEVILLE ON YOU
xnoxrewindsx (10:17:13 PM): SWEAR TO GOD/
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:17:21 PM): WELL THEN I'LL TURN HIM INTO A BUSHBABY
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:17:27 PM): AND YOU CAN BE BUSHBABY LOVERS
xnoxrewindsx (10:17:33 PM): HEY NOW
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:17:36 PM): OR MAYBE I SHOULD TURN HIM INTO SOMETHING THAT EATS YOU
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:17:50 PM): OKAY OKAY TIME OUT
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:17:53 PM): WHEN YOU SAID HEY NOW
xnoxrewindsx (10:17:57 PM): WELL, THEN I'LL MAKE IT SO ALL YOU EVER SEE IS CEDWARD DYING
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:18:01 PM): I GOT THAT HILARY DUFF SONG STUCK IN MY HEAD
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:18:15 PM): HEY NOW, HEY NOOW, THIS IS WHAT DREEEAAMMSS ARE MADE OF!
xnoxrewindsx (10:18:47 PM): OF CEDWARD DYING?!
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:19:01 PM): NOO, YOU SAID HEY NOW
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:19:10 PM): AND MY MIND STARTED PLAYING HILARY DUFF
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:20:03 PM): HEY NOW, HEY NOOWW, THIS IS WHAT DRRREEAAMMSS ARE MADE OF!
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:20:15 PM): ...THAT'S ALL THE WORDS I KNOW
xnoxrewindsx (10:20:25 PM): FAIL
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:20:41 PM): STFU IT'S NOT LIKE I WATCH THE LIZZIE MCGUIRE MOVIE ON A DAILY BASIS
xnoxrewindsx (10:21:02 PM): ...OR DO YOU
xnoxrewindsx (10:21:11 PM): YOU LOVE GORDO LIKE YOU LOVE PONYBOY
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:21:19 PM): WHAT
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:21:28 PM): DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY LOVE FOR PONYBOY
xnoxrewindsx (10:21:41 PM): I BELIEVE I JUST DID.
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:21:57 PM): I THINK YOU'RE THE ONE WATCHING IT ON A DAILY BASIS
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:22:04 PM): COS I DIDNT EVEN REMEMBER GORDO'S NAME
xnoxrewindsx (10:22:09 PM): I JUST GOT IT
xnoxrewindsx (10:22:18 PM): OH, WAIT LIZZIE MCGUIRE
xnoxrewindsx (10:22:22 PM): WE HAVE IT
xnoxrewindsx (10:22:25 PM): ACTUALLY
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:22:28 PM): HAHAHAHAA
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:22:34 PM): I HAVE DOUG'S FIRST MOVIE
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:22:38 PM): DID YOU WATCH DOUG?!
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:22:42 PM): I LIKE DOUG.
xnoxrewindsx (10:22:45 PM): AND ONLY MOVIE
xnoxrewindsx (10:22:48 PM): YEAH
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:22:58 PM): I KNOW LIKE WTF THERE WAS NEVER A SECOND
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:23:06 PM): WAY TO BE A LETDOWN, DOUG.
xnoxrewindsx (10:23:32 PM): HEHEHEH SKEETER.
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:23:45 PM): HAHAHAA.
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:23:47 PM): I WATCHED
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:23:48 PM): ARTHUR
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:23:49 PM): TOO
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:24:12 PM): NOT THE ARTHUR FROM JM.ORG COS THAT MAKES IT SOUND TOTALLY SKETCHY AND CREEPER LIKE
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:24:14 PM): I DONT WATCH HIM
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:24:15 PM): I MEAN
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:24:21 PM): ARTHUR THE AARDVARK
xnoxrewindsx (10:24:35 PM): HAHAHA
xnoxrewindsx (10:24:37 PM): I STILL DO
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:24:42 PM): AT LEAST I THINK HE WAS AN AARDVARK
xnoxrewindsx (10:24:48 PM): YEAH HE WAS
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:25:09 PM): I'VE NEVER EVEN SEEN A LEGITIMATE AARDVARK...
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:25:13 PM): GOOGLE IMAGES!!
xnoxrewindsx (10:25:31 PM): hahahaha
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:25:52 PM): http://animals.nationalgeographic.com/staticfiles/NGS/Shared/StaticFiles/animals/images/800/aardvark.jpg
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:25:53 PM): HAHA
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:26:07 PM): das sexy
xnoxrewindsx (10:26:14 PM): WTF THAT IS SCARY LOOKING
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:26:50 PM): IT LOOKS LIKE WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF A BUNNY AND AN OVERSIZED RAT HAD A SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP
xnoxrewindsx (10:27:03 PM): HAHAHAH
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:27:26 PM): SO IT'S SETTLED, I WILL TURN NEVILLE INTO AN AARDVARK.
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:27:41 PM): MWAAHA
xnoxrewindsx (10:27:45 PM): OKAY.
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:27:52 PM): NOWWW I AM OFF TO SLEEP!!
xnoxrewindsx (10:28:03 PM): finally
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:28:08 PM): haaaa I know right!!
xnoxrewindsx (10:28:10 PM): *coughlosercough*
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:28:16 PM): STFU I LIKE MY SLEEP
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:28:22 PM): SLEEPING IS LIKE THE BEST PART OF MY DAY
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:28:27 PM): NOT TO SOUND DEPRESSING
xnoxrewindsx (10:28:37 PM): hahaaha
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:28:42 PM): aaanyway
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:28:50 PM): get some sleep, Mr. Durden sir.
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:28:52 PM):
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:28:55 PM): Niightt!!!!
xnoxrewindsx (10:29:05 PM): Wait, so are you the narrorator?
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:29:16 PM): surree
xnoxrewindsx (10:29:22 PM): okay, deal.
xnoxrewindsx (10:29:24 PM): niiighT!
xnoxrewindsx (10:29:26 PM): y*
xnoxrewindsx (10:29:28 PM): t**
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:29:29 PM): HAHAHAH FAIL
WishWashedAwayx3 (10:29:32 PM): DOUBLE FAIL
xnoxrewindsx (10:29:39 PM): GO TO BED.
In Desperate Need of the Holidays
For some reason this past week has felt like the week before break. Maybe it was because I was crammed with so many tests and quizzes that by eighth period Friday after, I really just wanted to cry. I was so tired of stressing like mad over my classes and getting just decent grades. I know that because I'm in honors, it's different. Getting a B is the equivalent of an A. But still, my sister barely does ANYTHING and she can pull a 4.0. I was like that in middle school too, I guess I just miss being younger and not having as many responsibilites.
I'm also stressing out because, of all reasons, I don't know what I'm going to do with my life. I know I'm only a sophomore in high school, but I seriously think about it, a lot. I feel like everyone has their ideas and has found their place, but not me.
I feel like I always say, "Oh, I can't wait for this and that to happen" or "Well as soon as I get this or that over with, I'll be happy," but it never happens.
I'm wishing away time.
Minute by minute.
It freaks me out.
I'm also stressing out because, of all reasons, I don't know what I'm going to do with my life. I know I'm only a sophomore in high school, but I seriously think about it, a lot. I feel like everyone has their ideas and has found their place, but not me.
I feel like I always say, "Oh, I can't wait for this and that to happen" or "Well as soon as I get this or that over with, I'll be happy," but it never happens.
I'm wishing away time.
Minute by minute.
It freaks me out.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
When I Said That I'd Return to You, I Meant More Like a Relapse
I have two small stories to share from today, but I am really lazy right now, so I'm just going to copy and paste from my conversation with Amber.
Mwahaha.
WishWashedAwayx3 (3:27:44 PM): 1. I was at my locker this morning, and that friend, Jessie, she has to walk by me to get to her locker. Usually she comes later than me but happened to cross paths today. I didn't even see her, honest to God, cos I had music on, but I heard something that sounded like someone running.
WishWashedAwayx3 (3:27:50 PM): She practically RAN past me.
WishWashedAwayx3 (3:28:12 PM): I almost laughed out loud.
xnoxrewindsx (3:28:19 PM): I would've
WishWashedAwayx3 (3:28:22 PM): Like really...come on.
WishWashedAwayx3 (3:28:28 PM): Have some backbone.
xnoxrewindsx (3:28:36 PM): and #2?
WishWashedAwayx3 (3:28:41 PM): yeah, 2.
WishWashedAwayx3 (3:28:42 PM): So
WishWashedAwayx3 (3:31:20 PM): you know how Tyler hasn't talked to me in a few months. And he stopped saying hello to me, so I stopped looking at him. Well today, I walked by him like I do every day. I always turn away, but for some reason he was all friendly today, and he put his hand on my shoulder as I walked by and he was like, "hey Laura!" Then after bio, I was walking down the stairs as he was coming up, which happens EVERY DAY. Nothing new, but he said, "hey Laura" again and smiled. Not like, I'm saying hello cos I feel obligated kind of way, like he's done before. It was a real smile. I mean he was just in a good mood, but still, I'm so dumb I had tears in my eyes after that.
WishWashedAwayx3 (3:31:23 PM): WOW NOVEL.
xnoxrewindsx (3:34:52 PM): aw
xnoxrewindsx (3:34:52 PM): I'm blogging right now, heads up
xnoxrewindsx (3:35:05 PM): welAre you looking at it as a good or bad thing?
WishWashedAwayx3 (3:36:21 PM): Bad because it's not helping me ignore him, good because I love the ridiculous feeling I get after he acknowledges me. Haha.
xnoxrewindsx (3:39:55 PM): well
xnoxrewindsx (3:40:01 PM): tough situation
So yeah, that's where I'm at right now.
I was doing so well at ignoring him. I didn't even have any spontaneous urges to IM him.
But now I do.
It's different though, somehow, because I want to talk to him to actually have a conversation, and even though I relapsed a whole lot today, I think I would have the ability to be friends with him and be alright with that. Not even care that we'll never be together like that. For real.
It's weird, but it's a good feeling.
Although I don't understand how I would explain that to him.
Because I'm proud of myself, and he has a right to know.
Mwahaha.
WishWashedAwayx3 (3:27:44 PM): 1. I was at my locker this morning, and that friend, Jessie, she has to walk by me to get to her locker. Usually she comes later than me but happened to cross paths today. I didn't even see her, honest to God, cos I had music on, but I heard something that sounded like someone running.
WishWashedAwayx3 (3:27:50 PM): She practically RAN past me.
WishWashedAwayx3 (3:28:12 PM): I almost laughed out loud.
xnoxrewindsx (3:28:19 PM): I would've
WishWashedAwayx3 (3:28:22 PM): Like really...come on.
WishWashedAwayx3 (3:28:28 PM): Have some backbone.
xnoxrewindsx (3:28:36 PM): and #2?
WishWashedAwayx3 (3:28:41 PM): yeah, 2.
WishWashedAwayx3 (3:28:42 PM): So
WishWashedAwayx3 (3:31:20 PM): you know how Tyler hasn't talked to me in a few months. And he stopped saying hello to me, so I stopped looking at him. Well today, I walked by him like I do every day. I always turn away, but for some reason he was all friendly today, and he put his hand on my shoulder as I walked by and he was like, "hey Laura!" Then after bio, I was walking down the stairs as he was coming up, which happens EVERY DAY. Nothing new, but he said, "hey Laura" again and smiled. Not like, I'm saying hello cos I feel obligated kind of way, like he's done before. It was a real smile. I mean he was just in a good mood, but still, I'm so dumb I had tears in my eyes after that.
WishWashedAwayx3 (3:31:23 PM): WOW NOVEL.
xnoxrewindsx (3:34:52 PM): aw
xnoxrewindsx (3:34:52 PM): I'm blogging right now, heads up
xnoxrewindsx (3:35:05 PM): welAre you looking at it as a good or bad thing?
WishWashedAwayx3 (3:36:21 PM): Bad because it's not helping me ignore him, good because I love the ridiculous feeling I get after he acknowledges me. Haha.
xnoxrewindsx (3:39:55 PM): well
xnoxrewindsx (3:40:01 PM): tough situation
So yeah, that's where I'm at right now.
I was doing so well at ignoring him. I didn't even have any spontaneous urges to IM him.
But now I do.
It's different though, somehow, because I want to talk to him to actually have a conversation, and even though I relapsed a whole lot today, I think I would have the ability to be friends with him and be alright with that. Not even care that we'll never be together like that. For real.
It's weird, but it's a good feeling.
Although I don't understand how I would explain that to him.
Because I'm proud of myself, and he has a right to know.
Monday, December 8, 2008
Violet Sunrise
I have a lot of things I need to get down in this blog, and not a whole lot of time. I was planning on starting with what I want to say from a few days ago and working my way to the present, but I feel the need to talk about this morning. It started off bordering between average and crappy because, for one, it was a Monday, and also, my laptop crashed TWICE. Just when I needed it to print a study guide. I marched out of the house saying angrily, "Dad, the goddamn laptop is breaking, again." Then I walked outside and saw the most beautiful sunrise I'd ever seen. If it weren't for the fact that I was almost late because of my bipolar laptop, I would have gone back into the house to get my camera. The sky looked as if it was splattered with hot pink paint and smudged with a bit of violet. I was in such awe, I couldn't move for at least thirty seconds. For some inexplicabe reason, it made my morning that much better, and I was almost sad that the image had disappeared by the time I got to school. What was even sadder was that no one else seemed to notice. I understand that it's only 7 AM but really, that sunrise woke me up. It made me feel almost bad that I sleep well past 10 AM on the weekends.
Anyway, back to a few days ago:
I've been having odd dreams lately. I had one the other night in which Meghan was there, and I didn't remember until the next day what happened. But I also don't want to forget. No reason in particular, I just want to have this in writing. I remember going to her house, which was quite a long drive. Most of the walls instead had glass and whatever wasn't glass was polished wood. It was pretty, and the main theme of the colors was different shades of blue. There wasn't a whole lot of backyard, but there was a forest behind, which was pretty, so it wasn't much to complain about. I sat cross-legged on Meghan's bed and we talked while her mom and my mom made lunch in the other room. They made chicken, which was really ironic, since I had just watched Girl, Interrupted and part of me never ever wanted to eat chicken again. It was good chicken in my dream, and then after lunch we drove to my high school. It should have been hours away, but for some reason it only took a few minutes to get there. We were parked in front of the school and someone came out of the building and walked towards us. The car windows were tinted and I leaned forward, pointing, and said, "Right there."
Except I still don't know who was walking towards us.
Another dream from Saturday night:
I was walking around Stop & Shop with my guitar teacher, except it looked more like BJs because the ceiling was so high. There were a lot of people there, and I couldn't make out their faces, but I distinctly remember the feeling of the store being crowded. The two of us were walking down the aisles, talking, and I noticed that everything was a shade of gray or brown. It wasn't even very light in the store, but it could have been because it was dark outside. We got down to the other side of the store, where all the produce was arranged in aisles that looked more like a farm set up. There were rows of produce almost like when you plant things in a line on a farm. I'm not describing it well, but I also don't work on a farm, so I don't know how to word it. Anyway, my guitar teacher and I are kneeling on the ground, and the kid from my classes, he comes, with some short girl next to him. I'd never seen her before, not even in real life, but he didn't seem to care for her all that much. He turned to look at me, and almost thought he was going to say something, but he didn't.He just turned around and walked away.
I walked home alone (and discovered it was indeed gray outside) and when I came home, the kid from my classes was sitting at my kitchen table. He was eating a tangerine (that's what I get for recently finishing This Lullaby). My parents came up the stairs and I turned and snapped on them. I remember demanding, "Get him the fuck out of my house. You don't get it. I can't be near him. Just get him out."
I marched into the room after this hissy fit, and came back when I had cooled down. Thankfully, he was gone, and my parents told me they found him passed out on the sidewalk, probably from being drunk. That wouldn't have surprised me. He's sweet, but he hangs out with druggies. After that I felt bad, but not because he was passed out drunk on my sidewalk. I felt bad because I had this strange feeling that I could have taken the opportunity to comfort him. To get close than I would have on any normal occasion. After all, it's always in the weakest moment that someone of the opposite sex moves in. The other one is unlikely to refuse at that point.
I woke up feeling strange.
Another note to add to this crazy long blog: Recently I read the book Girl, Interrupted after watching the movie. It was different, but I could see how they needed to change the plot for cinematic purposes. The movie made more sense as a movie, but the book was still intriguing. There were a few passages in particular that stuck out to me. Partially because I think they're interesting and partially because I've felt the same way:
- "Every window on Alcatraz has a view of San Francisco."
- "In our parallel worlds, things happened that had not yet happened in the world we'd come from. When they finally happened outside, we found them familiar because versions of them had been performed in front of us. It was as if we were a provincial audience, New Haven to the read world's New York, where history could try out its next spectacle."
- "I was like an anchorite with a hair shirt. Part of the point was that nobody knew about my suffering. If people knew and admired - or abominated - me, something important would be lost."
- "Isn't there some other way to look at this? After all, angst of these dimensions is a luxury item. You need to be well-fed, clothed, and housed to have time for this must self-pity."
I very much agree with the last two, which I realized afterwards may not be the best thing. The author is writing about her experience in a mental institution. I don't know, maybe I am crazy. Maybe everyone is crazy, and all the crazy people are sane.
I had this crazy feeling the other night. I was sitting in the car on the way home, and for some reason the seatbelt would not budge. I couldn't bend forward because it would lock every time I tried. Usually I get frustrated by this and fiddle with the seat belt until it loosens again. But this time, I let it be. It felt strangely nice to have something holding me, keeping me locked in place.
Even if it was only a seat belt.
This is why I should never read books about crazy people. I start to question my own sanity.
Anyway, back to a few days ago:
I've been having odd dreams lately. I had one the other night in which Meghan was there, and I didn't remember until the next day what happened. But I also don't want to forget. No reason in particular, I just want to have this in writing. I remember going to her house, which was quite a long drive. Most of the walls instead had glass and whatever wasn't glass was polished wood. It was pretty, and the main theme of the colors was different shades of blue. There wasn't a whole lot of backyard, but there was a forest behind, which was pretty, so it wasn't much to complain about. I sat cross-legged on Meghan's bed and we talked while her mom and my mom made lunch in the other room. They made chicken, which was really ironic, since I had just watched Girl, Interrupted and part of me never ever wanted to eat chicken again. It was good chicken in my dream, and then after lunch we drove to my high school. It should have been hours away, but for some reason it only took a few minutes to get there. We were parked in front of the school and someone came out of the building and walked towards us. The car windows were tinted and I leaned forward, pointing, and said, "Right there."
Except I still don't know who was walking towards us.
Another dream from Saturday night:
I was walking around Stop & Shop with my guitar teacher, except it looked more like BJs because the ceiling was so high. There were a lot of people there, and I couldn't make out their faces, but I distinctly remember the feeling of the store being crowded. The two of us were walking down the aisles, talking, and I noticed that everything was a shade of gray or brown. It wasn't even very light in the store, but it could have been because it was dark outside. We got down to the other side of the store, where all the produce was arranged in aisles that looked more like a farm set up. There were rows of produce almost like when you plant things in a line on a farm. I'm not describing it well, but I also don't work on a farm, so I don't know how to word it. Anyway, my guitar teacher and I are kneeling on the ground, and the kid from my classes, he comes, with some short girl next to him. I'd never seen her before, not even in real life, but he didn't seem to care for her all that much. He turned to look at me, and almost thought he was going to say something, but he didn't.He just turned around and walked away.
I walked home alone (and discovered it was indeed gray outside) and when I came home, the kid from my classes was sitting at my kitchen table. He was eating a tangerine (that's what I get for recently finishing This Lullaby). My parents came up the stairs and I turned and snapped on them. I remember demanding, "Get him the fuck out of my house. You don't get it. I can't be near him. Just get him out."
I marched into the room after this hissy fit, and came back when I had cooled down. Thankfully, he was gone, and my parents told me they found him passed out on the sidewalk, probably from being drunk. That wouldn't have surprised me. He's sweet, but he hangs out with druggies. After that I felt bad, but not because he was passed out drunk on my sidewalk. I felt bad because I had this strange feeling that I could have taken the opportunity to comfort him. To get close than I would have on any normal occasion. After all, it's always in the weakest moment that someone of the opposite sex moves in. The other one is unlikely to refuse at that point.
I woke up feeling strange.
Another note to add to this crazy long blog: Recently I read the book Girl, Interrupted after watching the movie. It was different, but I could see how they needed to change the plot for cinematic purposes. The movie made more sense as a movie, but the book was still intriguing. There were a few passages in particular that stuck out to me. Partially because I think they're interesting and partially because I've felt the same way:
- "Every window on Alcatraz has a view of San Francisco."
- "In our parallel worlds, things happened that had not yet happened in the world we'd come from. When they finally happened outside, we found them familiar because versions of them had been performed in front of us. It was as if we were a provincial audience, New Haven to the read world's New York, where history could try out its next spectacle."
- "I was like an anchorite with a hair shirt. Part of the point was that nobody knew about my suffering. If people knew and admired - or abominated - me, something important would be lost."
- "Isn't there some other way to look at this? After all, angst of these dimensions is a luxury item. You need to be well-fed, clothed, and housed to have time for this must self-pity."
I very much agree with the last two, which I realized afterwards may not be the best thing. The author is writing about her experience in a mental institution. I don't know, maybe I am crazy. Maybe everyone is crazy, and all the crazy people are sane.
I had this crazy feeling the other night. I was sitting in the car on the way home, and for some reason the seatbelt would not budge. I couldn't bend forward because it would lock every time I tried. Usually I get frustrated by this and fiddle with the seat belt until it loosens again. But this time, I let it be. It felt strangely nice to have something holding me, keeping me locked in place.
Even if it was only a seat belt.
This is why I should never read books about crazy people. I start to question my own sanity.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
I Have So Much To Say
AND NO TIME.
Really, even though I just blogged yesterday, I have so much I need to get down in writing.
But I don't have the time now, and even if I finish my schoolwork before I have to go to bed, I want to read.
UGHH.
This is just a reminder to myself not to forget everything.
Really, even though I just blogged yesterday, I have so much I need to get down in writing.
But I don't have the time now, and even if I finish my schoolwork before I have to go to bed, I want to read.
UGHH.
This is just a reminder to myself not to forget everything.
Saturday, December 6, 2008
I Can't Afford To Get Into This Again...
Sometimes it amazes me how convenient blogging is when it comes to procrastination. Right now I am putting off studying for an insights test I have on Tuesday, but we play a review game for bonus points the day before, so I need to be prepared. Plus this test has a "new and exciting format." Which basically means it's the opposite of exciting. I won't have time to do much tomorrow since I'm being dragged to see Mamma Mia at the Shubert theater.
Really? Are you serious?
I voted to see Footloose, which was one of the three choices, the third being Cats. We eliminated that one immediately, because frankly, that's a little awkward. Especially if one of us happened to be in one of the seats where the "cats" crawl on your lap. I am squirming just thinking about that. So I voted for Footloose, because I mean, it's FOOTLOOSE people, come on. But everyone else voted Mamma Mia, so fuck me, I still have to go. As you can see, I'm a little bitter about that. I'm also bitter about the fact that one of my friends is going. We used to be really close but now we just wave and smile in the hallways, and that's about it. I just don't want it to be awkward for her. The people going are me, my sister, my mom, and another family. The other family happens to consist of my best friend, my sister's best friend, and my mom's best friend.
Tell me, wouldn't you feel out of the loop too?
Oh.
And.
I am confused as to how I'm feeling right now...because there's this guy.
I don't even know why I'm fucking thinking about this. I don't want to care. I'm not even going to elaborate.
He's in two of my classes and he's extremely sweet to me. I don't know if he's flirting or if he's just like that with girls.
And every time I see Tyler with his frigging girlfriend, I want to die.
So I feel completely uncomfortable giving this kid a second thought.
Hopefully this is out of pure desire for revenge and I don't get myself into something I obviously cannot handle.
I'm pissing myself off just writing this.
Jesus.
I need to fucking study.
Really? Are you serious?
I voted to see Footloose, which was one of the three choices, the third being Cats. We eliminated that one immediately, because frankly, that's a little awkward. Especially if one of us happened to be in one of the seats where the "cats" crawl on your lap. I am squirming just thinking about that. So I voted for Footloose, because I mean, it's FOOTLOOSE people, come on. But everyone else voted Mamma Mia, so fuck me, I still have to go. As you can see, I'm a little bitter about that. I'm also bitter about the fact that one of my friends is going. We used to be really close but now we just wave and smile in the hallways, and that's about it. I just don't want it to be awkward for her. The people going are me, my sister, my mom, and another family. The other family happens to consist of my best friend, my sister's best friend, and my mom's best friend.
Tell me, wouldn't you feel out of the loop too?
Oh.
And.
I am confused as to how I'm feeling right now...because there's this guy.
I don't even know why I'm fucking thinking about this. I don't want to care. I'm not even going to elaborate.
He's in two of my classes and he's extremely sweet to me. I don't know if he's flirting or if he's just like that with girls.
And every time I see Tyler with his frigging girlfriend, I want to die.
So I feel completely uncomfortable giving this kid a second thought.
Hopefully this is out of pure desire for revenge and I don't get myself into something I obviously cannot handle.
I'm pissing myself off just writing this.
Jesus.
I need to fucking study.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Monday, December 1, 2008
I Feel Guilty, But Not Really
I don't know where everything stands right now. Today was a pretty bad day, and despite all the ranting and raving I did this morning, I went to track practice. I found out this year there are going to be try outs because of budget cuts. (Get a load of this: we're wasting a ridiculous amount of money ti build a pool at my high school...when there's a pool at the middle school...that is located NEXT DOOR. Really, if these swimmers are athletic, they should be able to walk a few hundred feet.) So now there are legitimate try outs, not like last year, where you just showed up if you wanted to participate. They're timing the sprinters on the 100, 200, and 400. First of all, I am not a great runner. At all. Not only does my lack of height put me at a disadvantage (since when were all the female runners tall?!), but I have really bad breathing. I can handle the pain in my legs, but I always end up half suffocating myself to death. I am not doing these try outs. Last year I almost passed out while running the 300 and do not plan on trying it again. Plus, I have guitar lessons on Saturday so I wouldn't be able to make the meets. I don't mind just going to practice, but because of these cuts, they're not accepting that.
My mother is frustrated with work and all the home renovations ("THAT LIGHT IS FLORESCENT, I DON'T WANT A FLORESCENT LIGHT, I SAID NO FLORESCENTS!") that she doesn't even want to deal with it anymore. She won't discuss it and when I talked to my dad, we gave both our sides of the situations. He wants me to try out anyway, but that's like telling someone scared of heights to go climb Mt. Everest. I will freak out if I have to run a 400. I told him the decision was ultimately mine, and it's not going to kill me if I don't do indoor track. It really isn't. I know I won't gain any weight because I can keep it steady, and even lose weight, as I proved over the summer.
My point of this blog was that I didn't REALLY go to practice. After warm ups, my friends and I went to "get our jackets" and didn't come back. No one cared anyway. We got changed and waited till after 4 to call my mother, and worked on our homework. I feel guilty about it, sort of, and I felt kind of guilty doing it, but it was liberating at the same time. It was finally me saying, you're not going to tell me what I need do anymore. All of my friends decided not to do it, and I'm sure they won't get any complaints from their parents. This is what I get from having an overprotective parental unit.
So I don't know if the shit is going to hit the fan if I come home on the bus tomorrow. I don't know if the subject will just be dropped and nothing will be said.
I don't know, but I do know I need to do my homework now.
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