Warning?

I'm not usually one to be supersticious. If I break a mirror, then I'll get a new one. My first concern isn't that I'll have bad luck for the next years, and the same goes for when I walk under a ladder (not that I walk under ladders frequently). I don't believe in those ridiculous chain letters that tell me if I don't forward this to 15 people, the little girl from the Ring is going to jump out of my television and eat me alive. Even outside of supersticion, I'm normally a skeptical person. The only thing I'm reluctant to be skeptical about is my dreams. I don't know if dreams are somewhat based on the truth or something that will happen in the future, but I believe they are a continuation of your subconscious and maybe some of your lost thoughts. Topics that you avoid thinking about in general, maybe, or topics that you thought about right before you went to bed. Basically, I don't think dreams are sporadic and meaningless, which is why I feel the need to analyze the dream I had the other night. I'm fairly sure it was Thursday night. Anyway, in my dream I was walking in upper A hall with Kinnari and the boy previously mentioned in the last entry, (I'm having issues saying his name out loud or even in writing...I feel like that's making it too personal, something I'm striving to avoid since it can only go downhill from there.) He was on the left, Kinnari was in the middle, and I was on the right. We were walking towards the commons. I sort of felt bad for Kinnari since only him and I were talking and we were talking right over her, as if she didn't exist. I don't remember exactly what I was saying but in a roundabout way (without mentioning his name), I confessed that I liked him. I probably used some major hints like, "Oh, I just met a week or two ago but I haven't been able to get him off my mind...I think you would know him fairly well...*hint hint wink wink*" He definitely knew I was talking about him because he was smiling sheepishly. Then he said, "Oh, really? Well, I'm interested in someone too...I haven't known this girl for very long either, but I realized three days ago that I really like her."
By this point it was blatantly obvious we were flirting, or at least that's what I thought, I asked him what the name of the girl was, expecting him to say my name. Instead he replied, "Hannah."
FML.
What the hell is that supposed to mean? Does it mean I should give up (before I even try) on him because it's not going to work? That's the only message I can infer but oh god, I don't want it to be true. Maybe I need to forget about him now before it's too late and I get hurt again.
rirhtirurpohiopfihwporirohg.

Mixes

The other day I offered to make a mix for my friend but I ended up making two, one being laid back and the other kind of angsty and bitter. Here they are...

Relax and Understand
1. "Sodom, South Georgia" - Iron & Wine
2. "Talking Bird (Demo)" - Death Cab for Cutie
3. "Lack of Color" - Death Cab for Cutie
4. "All We Are" - Matt Nathanson
5. "World Spins Madly On" - The Weepies
6. "Red Eye" - Ace Enders & A Million Different People
7. "Giving It Away (Acoustic)" - Mae
8. "Strawberry Swing" - Coldplay
9. "Oh, It Is Love" - Hellogoodbye
10. "All Over Now" - Erin Hutchinson
11. "Little You & I" - Jason Mraz
12. "The Rush" - Dashboard Confessional
13. "Stigmatized" - The Calling
14. "Yellow" - Coldplay
15. "Brighter than Sunshine" - Aqualung
16. "This Time Around" - Howie Day
17. "She Paints Me Blue" - SoCo
18. "You'll Ask For Me" - Tyler Hilton
19. "Tune Out" - The Format

Cold Machine
1. "Welcome to Bangkok" - Brand New
2. "Styrofoam Plates" - Death Cab for Cutie
3. "Sore Thumb" - The Format
4. "LG Fuad" - Motion City Soundtrack
5. "Only Ashes" - SoCo
6. "Bury Me With It" - Modest Mouse
7. "The Taste of Ink" - The Used
8. "Not the Sun" - Brand New
9. "Peacemaker" - Green Day
10. "All Downhill From Here" - New Found Glory
11. "Bleed American" - Jimmy Eat World
12. "Bonus Mosh Pt.2" - Taking Back Sunday
13. "Breaking the Habit" - Linkin Park
14. "Basket Case" - Green Day
15. "House of Wolves" - My Chemical Romance
16. "Shake It Out" - Manchester Orchestra1
7. "Liar (It Takes One To Know One)" - Taking Back Sunday
18. "East Jesus Nowhere" - Green Day
19. "Given Up" - Linkin Park
20. "Chicago Is Two Years Ago" - Fall Out Boy
21. "It's Not a Fashion Statement, It's a Deathwish" - My Chemical Romance

I also made another mix for my friend Em, and I highly doubt she's listened to it or will at all, but I'm really into it, so I'll post that too.

Love and Some Verses
1. "Little Bribes" - Death Cab for Cutie
2. "Lovers in Japan/Reign of Love" - Coldplay
3. "Walcott" - Vampire Weekend
4. "Slide" - Goo Goo Dolls
5. "Runaway" - Mae
6. "Boy With a Coin" - Iron & Wine
7. "Come on Get Higher" - Matt Nathanson
8. "Over and Over Again (Lost and Found)" - Clap Your Hands Say Yeah
9. "Jesus" - Brand New
10. "Early Sunsets Over Monroeville" - My Chemical Romance
11. "I Can Feel A Hot One" - Manchester Orchestra
12. "Blacking Out The Friction" - Death Cab for Cutie
13. "Talk Shows on Mute" - Incubus
14. "Dig Your Grave" - Modest Mouse
15. "Green Eyes" - Coldplay
16. "At Last/Sleep All Day" - Jason Mraz
17. "Love and Some Verses" - Iron & Wine
18. "Standing in the Sun" - Howie Day
19. "Mad World" - Michael Andrews & Gary Jules


Mmm...
As pathetic as this sounds I'm actually proud of these.
I love how mixes set songs free
and simply rearranging them changes the story...

Unlike Me

As stupid as this may sound, today I did something I normally would never do. I legitimately skipped a class, although I guess study hall doesn't qualify as a class. But still, the idea remains the same. I consciously choose to sneak somewhere where I was not supposed to be...and all because of a stupid boy. I was told by Kinnari that the boy aforementioned in the previous blog had 7th lunch...the same period the two of us have study hall and Emily has lunch. How convenient. So Kinnari and I lied and said we were going to watch a resurrection and instead went to the commons. Of course Em sat at the table right in front of all the administrators, which definitely gnawed at my conscience the entire period, but we didn't get caught. I also didn't accomplish what I had hoped to...although I still don't fully understand what I hoped for. All I know is that I wanted to be around him...for even five minutes...that would have been alright with me. I don't know how in the world that would have naturally happened, but when my imagination runs wild, it is completely uninhibited. Everything seems plausible and I am always disappointed - with myself? with the other person? - when my daydreams don't come true. And they never have, so you'd think I would have learned by now. But apparently not. Thankfully I'm possibly seeing him later this week because he's coming to our study hall...thanks to Kinnari. Sometimes I don't know what I'd do without her. The fact that she doesn't really like him at all and she's going to suck it up just because I'm...intrigued...well, I appreciate that. If I'm being realistic nothing will happen and we won't talk and I'll force myself to give everything up again this weekend. This is probably how our limited conversation will play out:
Him: Hi.
Me: Hi.
Him: Where's Kinnari?
Me: I don't really know...she's late all the time so it's something I've stopped thinking about. She'll be here soon though.
Him: Oh, okay.
Then Kinnari will burst in and take over while I sit there and pray to God he says something else while not having the courage to do it myself.
Sigh.
Story of my life.
If I'm going to do ANYTHING, even open my mouth just once, I'm going to have to keep this lyric in my head. Right now it needs to pull me through and be a constant reminder...


This is where I am:

"I went broke believing

That the simple should be hard...

...I wasted, wasted love for you

Trading out for something new

Well, it's hard to change the way you lose

If you think you've never won."

This is where I need to be:

"...all our best intentions

Never lit the world on fire."

It's Been a While...

I don't know why I haven't been writing lately. It's strange. There were definitely times that I opened the page for a new post and stared blankly at the screen, unsure of what to write. I'm still feeling the same now but I'll just wing it anyway. I haven't had any dreams to write about and...my life hasn't changed much. It never really does, unfortunately. I wish it did.
There's only one month left of school but I feel like it's going to pass achingly slow. I also feel like, once it's over, I'll look back on sophomore year and remember it in a good light. But...maybe I'm being uncharacteristically optimistic.
Shit, I don't have anything else to say. Well, I do have one thing that I have only confessed to one person, and now I canot bring myself to say it again. I know I should tell my best friends, but something is stopping me. Every time I open my mouth the words running through my mind sound ridiculous and I clamp my mouth shut again. Maybe this is the kind of closure I need, a confession that hardly anyone is going to read and solely for the purpose of admitting it to myself. I think I need to face this (possible) fact head on before I toss the knowledge onto anyone else.
Anyway, here it is: I don't know how to word this because I'm confused about it...all I know is that I'm definitely attracted to and intrigued by a new guy. My friend created an inbox to plan a meeting afterschool and one of the guys in the inbox is going to be her DJ. I had absolutely no idea who he was, so I clicked to see his profile and I was just...intrigued by him. There's no other accurate way of wording it. I still have not said like, a single word to him because I am never the one to break the ice...but he friend requested me on Facebook. I thought maybe he friend requested everyone in that inbox just for the hell of it but when I checked other peoples' profiles...I saw that he didn't. He just requested me. Does that mean absolutely nothing or maybe a little something? I don't know what to believe. I can't even believe myself anymore (not that I had in the first place). The only thing I know for sure is that it's been almost three years since I've attempted to make an impression on a guy besides Tyler.
Wow.
I don't know what to do because as much and I have wallowed in the sorrows of being single...I'm terrified to be in a relationship.
I'm going to stop talking now because I'm getting way ahead of myself. No way am I going to set myself up for failure again.
I'm starting to think it would be best if I just isolated myself from the male population. I never know when I'm going to turn around and BAM! find a guy I can't stop thinking about for the next three days.
This whole situation is very unsettling, but I'm putting it out of my mind as of now. I'm going to sleep even though I did not accomplish as much as I wanted to.
Signing out with some lyrics from the new Green Day album, 21st Century Breakdown, which is fantastic by the way. I haven't been in the best of moods lately so maybe that explains why I'm attracted to these raging lyrics.

From "Before the Lobotomy"

Well I'm not stoned

I'm just fucked up

I got so high I can't stand up

I'm not cursed 'cause I've been blessed

I'm not in love 'cause I'm a mess.

From "Horseshoes and Handgrenades"

I'm gonna burn it all down

I'm gonna rip it out

Well, everything that you employ

Was meant for me to destroy

To the ground now

So don't you fuck me around

Because I'll shoot you down

I'm gonna drink, fight, and fuck

And pushing my luck

All the time now.

La La La I'm in Heaven

The number of recently added songs on my iPod is 99, and I am completely in heaven. 

The funniest thing about today was when I asked a worker at FYE if they had any Matt Nathanson albums (because I couldn't find any) and she kept rambling on about how she didn't know who he was. Yeah, because he's definitely a figment of my imagination I used to piss her off. Turns out they had Some Mad Hope but it was not in the right place...meaning they had no idea where it was and didn't plan on looking. After 15 minutes of looking myself, I gave up and figured I'd find it at Target or something. 

Anyway, some of the CDs recently added were borrowed from friends but today I spent some Christmas money and got these CDs.

Excuse me while I enjoy myself immensely.

At a Loss...

I need to write but I don't know what to write about. Sometimes I have the desire to write about something that happened in my life but then it hits me how insignificant one life is compared to the entire world...how trivial my failures and successes are in the grand scheme of things. Then all of a sudden, I don't feel like writing anymore. It all seems pointless, but I really need to write right now. I really do. When I write about what's happened, it becomes a story and I can detach myself from the situation. Except there's nothing to write about.
I need a good dream tonight.

I Must Have No Life

...because I miss JM.org already and it's only been a few days since I last logged on.

It's not even like I can s

pend time outside be

cause it's been dreary and rainy all week and shows no sign of clearing up.

To any and every weather god:

This is Trumbull, CT.

Not Forks, Washington.

Thanks a lot. 

On a bitter note, I'd like to

 say that I hate when people get everything they don't deserve.

Does it ever catch up to them? 

I find it hard to believe

 "everything that goes around comes around." There's just too much that never does.

Signing out, I'm loving this quote:

Impossible Questions

I've never been very good at answering these questions...
When you've just had an argument with someone, how do you handle it the morning after?
Do you confront them about it?
Try to make peace?
What if it wasn't nearly as big of a deal to them as it was to you?
Will you feel like a fool if they shrug everything off their shoulders yet it took you ten minutes to work up the courage to talk to them?
What happens if they don't talk to you, and it's actually a bigger deal than you thought?
What if they're one of your best friends
and the silence is killing you?

I don't know what to do, or if I should do anything.

Jesus Christ

This song will never cease to amaze me.

Jesus Christ, that's a pretty face

The kind you'd find on someone that could save

If they don't put me away

Well, it'll be a miracle.

Do you believe you're missing out?

That everything good is happening somewhere else?

With nobody in your bed

The night is hard to get through

And I will die all alone

And when I arrive I won't know anyone.

Jesus Christ, I'm alone again

So what did you do those three days you were dead?

Because this problem is gonna last

More than the weekend.

Jesus Christ I'm not scared to die

But I'm a little bit scared of what comes after.

Do I get the gold chariot?

Do I float through the ceiling?

Do I divide and pull apart?

Cause my bright is too slight to hold back all my dark.

This ship went down in sight of land

And at the gates does Thomas ask to see my hands?

I know you're coming in the night like a thief

But I've had some time, O Lord, to hone my lying technique.

I know you think that I'm someone you can trust

But I'm scared I'll get scared and I swear

I'll try to nail you back up.

So do you think that we could work out a sign?

So I'll know it's you

and that it's over

so I won't even try.

I know you're coming for the people like me

But we all got wood and nails

And we turn out hate in factories.

We all got wood and nails

And we turn out hate in factories.

We all got wood and nails

And we sleep inside of this machine.

Lights & Motion

Tonight I was thinking about carnivals. I pulled into the parking lot of the Milford mall expecting darkness only to be faced with flashing lights and constant motion. The entire parking lot was illuminated by the neon lights of the carnival and I was intimidated to even get out of the car. People flowed in and out of the entrance as different sized mobs, and here I was with my father, moving awkwardly through the throngs of people and praying I would make it to the door unscathed. The inside of the mall was just as crowded and it aggravated me to the point where I bitterly contemplated why teenagers would choose to wander around parking lots and and a mall for a carnival they are not officially attending. I soon felt hypocritical because that's how myself and all of my friends are. Most people go to carnivals to hang out with their friends even though it would be easier, not to mention cheaper, if they hung out at someone's house...which logically makes no sense but in another sense it does. Carnivals are figuratively cut off from the rest of the world, an enclosed area where everything is flashing or in motion. Carnivals create an alternate reality where you are practically living in an animated world. The most bizarre aspect is that once it is gone...once the bright lights have been turned off and the overwhelmingly large rides have been cramped into boxes and loaded onto trucks...after the world slinks back into its normal gloomy atmosphere...after all of that, you would think people would long for that animated ecstacy only something completely fake could provide. But in reality, when I drive by the parking lot of the middle school where the carnival resides once a year...I cannot picture it. I cannot see the parking lot as it would be for those few days of the year, and when it is there, I can no longer envision the parking lot.
Is everything that interchangeable? Is joy that false and ephemeral?
Ephemeral, yes...false, sometimes.
The things that make us most happy are not things at all, really...
They are uncontrollable emotions that we wish could last forever.