Unlike Me

As stupid as this may sound, today I did something I normally would never do. I legitimately skipped a class, although I guess study hall doesn't qualify as a class. But still, the idea remains the same. I consciously choose to sneak somewhere where I was not supposed to be...and all because of a stupid boy. I was told by Kinnari that the boy aforementioned in the previous blog had 7th lunch...the same period the two of us have study hall and Emily has lunch. How convenient. So Kinnari and I lied and said we were going to watch a resurrection and instead went to the commons. Of course Em sat at the table right in front of all the administrators, which definitely gnawed at my conscience the entire period, but we didn't get caught. I also didn't accomplish what I had hoped to...although I still don't fully understand what I hoped for. All I know is that I wanted to be around him...for even five minutes...that would have been alright with me. I don't know how in the world that would have naturally happened, but when my imagination runs wild, it is completely uninhibited. Everything seems plausible and I am always disappointed - with myself? with the other person? - when my daydreams don't come true. And they never have, so you'd think I would have learned by now. But apparently not. Thankfully I'm possibly seeing him later this week because he's coming to our study hall...thanks to Kinnari. Sometimes I don't know what I'd do without her. The fact that she doesn't really like him at all and she's going to suck it up just because I'm...intrigued...well, I appreciate that. If I'm being realistic nothing will happen and we won't talk and I'll force myself to give everything up again this weekend. This is probably how our limited conversation will play out:
Him: Hi.
Me: Hi.
Him: Where's Kinnari?
Me: I don't really know...she's late all the time so it's something I've stopped thinking about. She'll be here soon though.
Him: Oh, okay.
Then Kinnari will burst in and take over while I sit there and pray to God he says something else while not having the courage to do it myself.
Sigh.
Story of my life.
If I'm going to do ANYTHING, even open my mouth just once, I'm going to have to keep this lyric in my head. Right now it needs to pull me through and be a constant reminder...


This is where I am:

"I went broke believing

That the simple should be hard...

...I wasted, wasted love for you

Trading out for something new

Well, it's hard to change the way you lose

If you think you've never won."

This is where I need to be:

"...all our best intentions

Never lit the world on fire."