the Fray and Jack's Mannequin 6/20/09

Last night was amazing. I've always said that I love going to concerts for the headliner and simultaneously falling in love with the opener, but I now know that it is just as magical the other way around. The main reason I attended last night's concert at the Chevrolet Theater was because Jack's Mannequin was opening. I would not have cared if I hated the headliner - after all, I wasn't a huge Paramore fan but I saw them anyway just to see Jack's. And don't get me wrong, I've always liked the Fray. I just don't think I would have fought so hard for an 8th row ticket if my favorite band wasn't opening. But as amazing as it was, the entire day yesterday...it didn't feel like I was going to a show. Usually I have trouble falling asleep the night before because of how jittery I am, and I wake up unusually early for the same reason. However, yesterday I went about my day normally, almost forgetting that I had to be at Bailey's house later. Even my mother commented that I was strangely calm about this. And I was. I think it was because there have been numerous occasions where I counted down the days to a show - but being so caught up in schoolwork and everything, I didn't with this show. It was like I fought for my ticket, got it, and then in the flurry of everything else, forgot about the show, thinking it was always out of reach while it was actually looming closer.

I didn't even comprehend the fact that I was seeing Jack's when I got to Bailey's house, or when we were driving there, or when we arrived. It didn't hit me until I sat down in my amazingly close 8th row seat and saw the equipment box that had "Jack's Mannequin" printed on the sides and top. That was when it hit me. I should have felt uncomfortable, sitting by myself, surrounded by people who would probably hate me in a few minutes because of how obnoxious I am during Jack's shows. But I wasn't. As shy and terrified of embarrassment as I am, all of those trivial concerns and character flaws seem to dissipate when Jack's Mannequin takes the stage. Their music unties all of the strings tightly wound around me, preventing me from opening up too much or relaxing. From the first to last note Andrew played on his piano, I was, for once, truly happy and carefree. There was not a single worry in my anxiety ridden mind and for that I will be forever grateful for all the members of Jack's Mannequin. At one point, Raksha turned to me and said, "This is so surreal." But those words cannot begin to explain the feeling. I pity the people who feel they need drugs to experience something beautiful; how do they not see? Music is the most powerful, intoxicating, addicting drug there is.

After the incredible energy Jack's brought, I wondered how the Fray was going to live up to that. After all, the majority of their songs are slower - and how embarrassing would that be, falling into the shadow of your opening band? I do like the Fray but I was wary of their stage presence. Thankfully, they washed away my doubts. They were not as energetic as Jack's, but they have this strangely powerful stage presence. It's hard to explain but I guess it's sort of like how people always lean in to hear what quiet people have to say because even though they're not outgoing, they have just as strong of a presence. Isaac and the rest of the Fray seem to be like that. They have a quiet but powerful aura about them and I felt more emotionally connected to their music than I thought I would be. I stood up through almost their entire set...and before I knew it...the show was over. Immediately I longed for the feeling of the drumbeat beneath my feet, rising through my entire body, tingling every nerve. Never could I have predicted the liberating feeling their performance gave me...

I will write more about what happened after the show later. For now I am drowning myself in the Fray's two albums because they will never sound more beautiful than they do right now.

Perfect summer music

Besides the usual favorites, I have a suspicion that I'm going to spend the whole summer listening to Iron & Wine. They are the epitome of relaxation and,,,everything I love about summer. (Minus The Shepherd's Dog - that album feels dark to me.) Anyway, I recently bought their 2-disc b-sides and rarities album, Around the Well. I was wary at first, considering some bands release those types of album for the sake of more money...and sometimes the songs are not worth half the price. But once again, Iron & Wine pleasantly surprised me. I have a bit of an attachment to the second disc, which is strange because I've found that some albums start off really great and then stumble on from there. In fact, my favorite (or at least one of them) is the final song, "The Trapeze Swinger." I am completely in love with it. The lyrics are in my AIM profile but what the heck, I'll post them here too. The song is quite long, about as long as "Konstantine," so it's guaranteed that the lyrics are practically a novel. But whatever. Unlike "Konstantine," this song makes me so happy...I can't even describe it. As strange as this sounds, I feel like...how I imagine people feel when they are told, "I love you."

please, remember me happily
by the rosebush laughing
with bruises on my chin
the time when
we counted every black car passing
your house beneath the hill
and up until
someone caught us in the kitchen
with maps, a mountain range
a piggy bank
a vision too removed to mention
but...

please, remember me fondly
I heard from someone you're still pretty
and then they went on to say
that the pearly gates
had some eloquent graffiti
like "we'll meet again"
and "fuck the man"
and "tell my mother not to worry"
and angels with their gray
handshakes
were always done in such a hurry
and...

please, remember me at Halloween
making fools of all the neighbors
our faces painted white
by midnight
we'd forgotten one another
and when the morning came
I was ashamed
only now it seems so silly
that season left the world
and then returned
but now you're lit up by the city
so...

please, remember me mistakenly
in the window of the tallest tower call
then pass us by
but much too high
to see the empty road at happy hour
gleam and resonate
just like the gates
around the holy kingdom
with words like "lost and found" and "don't look down"
and "someone save temptation"
and...

please, remember me as in the dream
we had as rug-burned babies
among the fallen trees
and fast asleep
aside the lions and the ladies
that called you what you like
and even might
give a gift for your behavior
a fleeting chance to see
a trapeze
swinger high as any savior
but...

please, remember me, my misery
and how it lost me all I wanted
those dogs that love the rain
and chasing trains
the colored birds above there running
in circles round the well
and where it spells
on the wall behind St. Peter's
so bright on cinder gray
and spray paint
"who the hell can see forever?"
and...

please, remember me seldomly
in the car behind the carnival
my hand between your knees
you turn from me
and said, "the trapeze act was wonderful
but never meant to last"
the clowns that passed
saw me just come up with anger
when it filled with circus dogs
the parking lot
had an element of danger
so...

please, remember me finally
and all my uphill clawing
my dear
but if I make
the pearly gates
do my best to make a drawing
of God and Lucifer
a boy and girl
an angel kissin' on a sinner
a monkey and a man
a marching band
all around the frightened trapeze swingers.

It's been too long.

Indeed, it has. This update is for Raksha, because she so bluntly told me that she was reading my blog and it gave me a pang of guilt, having not updated for such a long time. Anyway, I have no idea what I'm going to write about but that's usually how most of my blog entries begin. And they usually end with me rambling about something.
So...I guess the biggest thing going on right now is that school is practically over. I only have my biology final Monday and then I'm done...but it doesn't feel like it. It doesn't feel like summer is just over the horizon. I thought I would be relieved at this point - possibly jumping up and down in ecstasy - but I'm not. I really hope this isn't one of those summers where it hits me that it's summer in the beginning of August. Those are the worst. Also, I'm being forced to go to Pennsylvania in mid-July, which I am absolutely dreading. Usually for vacation we go to some shitty motel in Jersey and I mean, it's not California or anything, but I can enjoy myself anytime and anywhere when I'm with the Donenfelds. This time though, they're not coming with us. I don't know why; what I've heard from my mother is that it's because Marisa is getting paid to work at the camp this year, whereas before she was volunteering. Still...I find that hard to believe. A job at a camp, for Christ's sake, is keeping her from going on vacation? I wouldn't be surprised if there was some underlying reason that my mother neglected to tell me for some reason. She tends to do that often and then puts on her innocent face once I blow her cover. In fact, my whole family does that - and I don't mean just my immediate family. My other relatives also. Don't get me wrong, I love my mother's sister, mainly because she inherited the unique, adventurous genes my mother lacks...but she treats me like I'm five rather than fifteen. Every time she curses, she covers her mouth like she just confessed to a murder, and when she's about to curse, she tells me to cover my ears. I try to her ignore her and thankfully, last time my cousin Jen stuck up for me. Her and Stacy are part of the few family members I actually enjoy being with. I can talk to them about things that interest me and don't have to banter on about my classes for a half hour. Anyway, Jen told Nadine to stop treating me like I haven't gotten past puberty. I hope Nadine listens to her because I don't know much longer I'll be able to fake smile my way through that.
Wait a second, I was talking about Pennsylvania and somehow wound up talking about my family? Back to Pennsylvania...that's going to be our family vacation, although I think a better title would be family trip from hell. Not only is my best friend not going to be there, but two or three of the days are taken up by my sister's softball tournament - that is, after all, the only reason we're going. My parents decided to just tack on a few extra days at the motel and call it a vacation. When I asked what the fuck there is to do in Pennsylvania, they said Hershey Park. I don't know if they stopped to think about how Christie is scared shitless of half the rides and I have no one to go with. Because I'm definitely not going with my fuckass of a sister. (Donnie Darko reference, check it.)
The week that I'm going to be out of state just happens to coincide with the release of the new Harry Potter movie. This is horribly melodramatic but I was crushed when I found out. That was one of the top three events I had to look forward to this summer. I was probably going to go with a group of friends who all love Harry Potter like I do. I guess I should be grateful because my mother (if reluctantly) agreed to take me at midnight...but when you're bouncing in your seat with excitement and the person next to you is nodding off...it's just not the same. Also, in honor of the movie release, I've been rereading the series. It's amazing because I'm reminded of how much I love the books, although I do dread the Harry/Cho and Harry/Ginny scenes. I've always had a bit of thing for him...
On the downside, the series never fails to prove to me how mundane and unexciting my life is. I mean, I want to open the Chamber of Secrets and befriend werewolves and convicted murderers too! What makes Harry so special?!
Remembering all the spells again annoys me because I think about how much easier my life would be if I wasn't a Muggle. Just the other day I lost my flip flops and searched my house for ten minutes before I found them. If I was magical, I could wave my wand, say, "Accio flip flops!" and...problem solved.
I am no longer the ten year old crossing her fingers for a letter from Hogwarts on her eleventh birthday - but it doesn't mean I don't still wish it could happen. 0:)

Sorry

I haven't been updating nearly as much lately. I've been really busy with schoolwork. This is the final stretch but it's probably the hardest, especially since I'm only two weeks away but I feel like it's going to take forever, Not only is it going to take forever, but it's going to be jam packed with work. I have my resurrection this Wednesday, which I'm terrified for and don't want to do...but at the same time I want to just get it done. This is something I've known about since November, something I complained was hanging over head during Christmas break, for God's sake. And now it's June, and it's almost done. It's almost over with. Despite the fact that I have finals to study for (and possibly the spanish speaking part the day after), I'm totally going out to dinner to celebrate this colossal waste of my time being DONE.
I want to write more, I really do...just give me a little while. Until then there will probably be sporadic and quick updates such as this.

Anger is quite useless

Lately I've been losing my temper more than usual. I'm losing patience with people quickly and it's starting to worry me, because if I lose patience with people then they're going to lose patience with me. I don't need any unnecessary drama and don't want to start anything, but I feel dangerously large flickers of flame inside me during situations I would normally shrug off my shoulders. I'd like to blame it on the fact that I've been sick since last weekend but I also don't want to be disappointed when that turns out to be wrong. I don't know what's gotten into me lately. Today, one of my best friends dropped the ball on something she'd been promising me since last week - she promised that he would come to our study hall to help her with something tech related that she needed to do. She didn't tell me a specific day because she didn't want me to turn it into a big deal. I can see where she's coming from with that point because I definitely was making a big deal about it; I'll admit to that. I wasn't running around yelling about it or something like that, but I was visibly excited when we talked about it. I was even trying to figure out her plan about which day he was coming - not that she even formulated a plan - and I was nervous about what I was going to wear. That is all very ridiculous because he shouldn't mean anything to me but for some sick reason...I cared. It was not a big deal in the scheme of things, but to me it was. I don't know if she understood that when she decided not to message him and I didn't want to say anything. After all, I had a feeling this was coming; I should have told myself it would never happen in the first place so I wouldn't disappointed. But you know, when you're giddy, you don't think negatively like that.
When she first told me she wasn't going to message him, I was upset. Then I was upset that I was upset because I shouldn't be. Then I was mad. I was mad because this was stupidly important to me and even if she didn't feel like doing it...she had promised me. Gosh, I was mad for like an hour, and I blurted it out to someone because I couldn't sit there and not say something.
Then a joking around argument turned real for a second...
Then I got defensive over music...

This is worrying me.

Warning?

I'm not usually one to be supersticious. If I break a mirror, then I'll get a new one. My first concern isn't that I'll have bad luck for the next years, and the same goes for when I walk under a ladder (not that I walk under ladders frequently). I don't believe in those ridiculous chain letters that tell me if I don't forward this to 15 people, the little girl from the Ring is going to jump out of my television and eat me alive. Even outside of supersticion, I'm normally a skeptical person. The only thing I'm reluctant to be skeptical about is my dreams. I don't know if dreams are somewhat based on the truth or something that will happen in the future, but I believe they are a continuation of your subconscious and maybe some of your lost thoughts. Topics that you avoid thinking about in general, maybe, or topics that you thought about right before you went to bed. Basically, I don't think dreams are sporadic and meaningless, which is why I feel the need to analyze the dream I had the other night. I'm fairly sure it was Thursday night. Anyway, in my dream I was walking in upper A hall with Kinnari and the boy previously mentioned in the last entry, (I'm having issues saying his name out loud or even in writing...I feel like that's making it too personal, something I'm striving to avoid since it can only go downhill from there.) He was on the left, Kinnari was in the middle, and I was on the right. We were walking towards the commons. I sort of felt bad for Kinnari since only him and I were talking and we were talking right over her, as if she didn't exist. I don't remember exactly what I was saying but in a roundabout way (without mentioning his name), I confessed that I liked him. I probably used some major hints like, "Oh, I just met a week or two ago but I haven't been able to get him off my mind...I think you would know him fairly well...*hint hint wink wink*" He definitely knew I was talking about him because he was smiling sheepishly. Then he said, "Oh, really? Well, I'm interested in someone too...I haven't known this girl for very long either, but I realized three days ago that I really like her."
By this point it was blatantly obvious we were flirting, or at least that's what I thought, I asked him what the name of the girl was, expecting him to say my name. Instead he replied, "Hannah."
FML.
What the hell is that supposed to mean? Does it mean I should give up (before I even try) on him because it's not going to work? That's the only message I can infer but oh god, I don't want it to be true. Maybe I need to forget about him now before it's too late and I get hurt again.
rirhtirurpohiopfihwporirohg.

Mixes

The other day I offered to make a mix for my friend but I ended up making two, one being laid back and the other kind of angsty and bitter. Here they are...

Relax and Understand
1. "Sodom, South Georgia" - Iron & Wine
2. "Talking Bird (Demo)" - Death Cab for Cutie
3. "Lack of Color" - Death Cab for Cutie
4. "All We Are" - Matt Nathanson
5. "World Spins Madly On" - The Weepies
6. "Red Eye" - Ace Enders & A Million Different People
7. "Giving It Away (Acoustic)" - Mae
8. "Strawberry Swing" - Coldplay
9. "Oh, It Is Love" - Hellogoodbye
10. "All Over Now" - Erin Hutchinson
11. "Little You & I" - Jason Mraz
12. "The Rush" - Dashboard Confessional
13. "Stigmatized" - The Calling
14. "Yellow" - Coldplay
15. "Brighter than Sunshine" - Aqualung
16. "This Time Around" - Howie Day
17. "She Paints Me Blue" - SoCo
18. "You'll Ask For Me" - Tyler Hilton
19. "Tune Out" - The Format

Cold Machine
1. "Welcome to Bangkok" - Brand New
2. "Styrofoam Plates" - Death Cab for Cutie
3. "Sore Thumb" - The Format
4. "LG Fuad" - Motion City Soundtrack
5. "Only Ashes" - SoCo
6. "Bury Me With It" - Modest Mouse
7. "The Taste of Ink" - The Used
8. "Not the Sun" - Brand New
9. "Peacemaker" - Green Day
10. "All Downhill From Here" - New Found Glory
11. "Bleed American" - Jimmy Eat World
12. "Bonus Mosh Pt.2" - Taking Back Sunday
13. "Breaking the Habit" - Linkin Park
14. "Basket Case" - Green Day
15. "House of Wolves" - My Chemical Romance
16. "Shake It Out" - Manchester Orchestra1
7. "Liar (It Takes One To Know One)" - Taking Back Sunday
18. "East Jesus Nowhere" - Green Day
19. "Given Up" - Linkin Park
20. "Chicago Is Two Years Ago" - Fall Out Boy
21. "It's Not a Fashion Statement, It's a Deathwish" - My Chemical Romance

I also made another mix for my friend Em, and I highly doubt she's listened to it or will at all, but I'm really into it, so I'll post that too.

Love and Some Verses
1. "Little Bribes" - Death Cab for Cutie
2. "Lovers in Japan/Reign of Love" - Coldplay
3. "Walcott" - Vampire Weekend
4. "Slide" - Goo Goo Dolls
5. "Runaway" - Mae
6. "Boy With a Coin" - Iron & Wine
7. "Come on Get Higher" - Matt Nathanson
8. "Over and Over Again (Lost and Found)" - Clap Your Hands Say Yeah
9. "Jesus" - Brand New
10. "Early Sunsets Over Monroeville" - My Chemical Romance
11. "I Can Feel A Hot One" - Manchester Orchestra
12. "Blacking Out The Friction" - Death Cab for Cutie
13. "Talk Shows on Mute" - Incubus
14. "Dig Your Grave" - Modest Mouse
15. "Green Eyes" - Coldplay
16. "At Last/Sleep All Day" - Jason Mraz
17. "Love and Some Verses" - Iron & Wine
18. "Standing in the Sun" - Howie Day
19. "Mad World" - Michael Andrews & Gary Jules


Mmm...
As pathetic as this sounds I'm actually proud of these.
I love how mixes set songs free
and simply rearranging them changes the story...

Unlike Me

As stupid as this may sound, today I did something I normally would never do. I legitimately skipped a class, although I guess study hall doesn't qualify as a class. But still, the idea remains the same. I consciously choose to sneak somewhere where I was not supposed to be...and all because of a stupid boy. I was told by Kinnari that the boy aforementioned in the previous blog had 7th lunch...the same period the two of us have study hall and Emily has lunch. How convenient. So Kinnari and I lied and said we were going to watch a resurrection and instead went to the commons. Of course Em sat at the table right in front of all the administrators, which definitely gnawed at my conscience the entire period, but we didn't get caught. I also didn't accomplish what I had hoped to...although I still don't fully understand what I hoped for. All I know is that I wanted to be around him...for even five minutes...that would have been alright with me. I don't know how in the world that would have naturally happened, but when my imagination runs wild, it is completely uninhibited. Everything seems plausible and I am always disappointed - with myself? with the other person? - when my daydreams don't come true. And they never have, so you'd think I would have learned by now. But apparently not. Thankfully I'm possibly seeing him later this week because he's coming to our study hall...thanks to Kinnari. Sometimes I don't know what I'd do without her. The fact that she doesn't really like him at all and she's going to suck it up just because I'm...intrigued...well, I appreciate that. If I'm being realistic nothing will happen and we won't talk and I'll force myself to give everything up again this weekend. This is probably how our limited conversation will play out:
Him: Hi.
Me: Hi.
Him: Where's Kinnari?
Me: I don't really know...she's late all the time so it's something I've stopped thinking about. She'll be here soon though.
Him: Oh, okay.
Then Kinnari will burst in and take over while I sit there and pray to God he says something else while not having the courage to do it myself.
Sigh.
Story of my life.
If I'm going to do ANYTHING, even open my mouth just once, I'm going to have to keep this lyric in my head. Right now it needs to pull me through and be a constant reminder...


This is where I am:

"I went broke believing

That the simple should be hard...

...I wasted, wasted love for you

Trading out for something new

Well, it's hard to change the way you lose

If you think you've never won."

This is where I need to be:

"...all our best intentions

Never lit the world on fire."

It's Been a While...

I don't know why I haven't been writing lately. It's strange. There were definitely times that I opened the page for a new post and stared blankly at the screen, unsure of what to write. I'm still feeling the same now but I'll just wing it anyway. I haven't had any dreams to write about and...my life hasn't changed much. It never really does, unfortunately. I wish it did.
There's only one month left of school but I feel like it's going to pass achingly slow. I also feel like, once it's over, I'll look back on sophomore year and remember it in a good light. But...maybe I'm being uncharacteristically optimistic.
Shit, I don't have anything else to say. Well, I do have one thing that I have only confessed to one person, and now I canot bring myself to say it again. I know I should tell my best friends, but something is stopping me. Every time I open my mouth the words running through my mind sound ridiculous and I clamp my mouth shut again. Maybe this is the kind of closure I need, a confession that hardly anyone is going to read and solely for the purpose of admitting it to myself. I think I need to face this (possible) fact head on before I toss the knowledge onto anyone else.
Anyway, here it is: I don't know how to word this because I'm confused about it...all I know is that I'm definitely attracted to and intrigued by a new guy. My friend created an inbox to plan a meeting afterschool and one of the guys in the inbox is going to be her DJ. I had absolutely no idea who he was, so I clicked to see his profile and I was just...intrigued by him. There's no other accurate way of wording it. I still have not said like, a single word to him because I am never the one to break the ice...but he friend requested me on Facebook. I thought maybe he friend requested everyone in that inbox just for the hell of it but when I checked other peoples' profiles...I saw that he didn't. He just requested me. Does that mean absolutely nothing or maybe a little something? I don't know what to believe. I can't even believe myself anymore (not that I had in the first place). The only thing I know for sure is that it's been almost three years since I've attempted to make an impression on a guy besides Tyler.
Wow.
I don't know what to do because as much and I have wallowed in the sorrows of being single...I'm terrified to be in a relationship.
I'm going to stop talking now because I'm getting way ahead of myself. No way am I going to set myself up for failure again.
I'm starting to think it would be best if I just isolated myself from the male population. I never know when I'm going to turn around and BAM! find a guy I can't stop thinking about for the next three days.
This whole situation is very unsettling, but I'm putting it out of my mind as of now. I'm going to sleep even though I did not accomplish as much as I wanted to.
Signing out with some lyrics from the new Green Day album, 21st Century Breakdown, which is fantastic by the way. I haven't been in the best of moods lately so maybe that explains why I'm attracted to these raging lyrics.

From "Before the Lobotomy"

Well I'm not stoned

I'm just fucked up

I got so high I can't stand up

I'm not cursed 'cause I've been blessed

I'm not in love 'cause I'm a mess.

From "Horseshoes and Handgrenades"

I'm gonna burn it all down

I'm gonna rip it out

Well, everything that you employ

Was meant for me to destroy

To the ground now

So don't you fuck me around

Because I'll shoot you down

I'm gonna drink, fight, and fuck

And pushing my luck

All the time now.

La La La I'm in Heaven

The number of recently added songs on my iPod is 99, and I am completely in heaven. 

The funniest thing about today was when I asked a worker at FYE if they had any Matt Nathanson albums (because I couldn't find any) and she kept rambling on about how she didn't know who he was. Yeah, because he's definitely a figment of my imagination I used to piss her off. Turns out they had Some Mad Hope but it was not in the right place...meaning they had no idea where it was and didn't plan on looking. After 15 minutes of looking myself, I gave up and figured I'd find it at Target or something. 

Anyway, some of the CDs recently added were borrowed from friends but today I spent some Christmas money and got these CDs.

Excuse me while I enjoy myself immensely.

At a Loss...

I need to write but I don't know what to write about. Sometimes I have the desire to write about something that happened in my life but then it hits me how insignificant one life is compared to the entire world...how trivial my failures and successes are in the grand scheme of things. Then all of a sudden, I don't feel like writing anymore. It all seems pointless, but I really need to write right now. I really do. When I write about what's happened, it becomes a story and I can detach myself from the situation. Except there's nothing to write about.
I need a good dream tonight.

I Must Have No Life

...because I miss JM.org already and it's only been a few days since I last logged on.

It's not even like I can s

pend time outside be

cause it's been dreary and rainy all week and shows no sign of clearing up.

To any and every weather god:

This is Trumbull, CT.

Not Forks, Washington.

Thanks a lot. 

On a bitter note, I'd like to

 say that I hate when people get everything they don't deserve.

Does it ever catch up to them? 

I find it hard to believe

 "everything that goes around comes around." There's just too much that never does.

Signing out, I'm loving this quote:

Impossible Questions

I've never been very good at answering these questions...
When you've just had an argument with someone, how do you handle it the morning after?
Do you confront them about it?
Try to make peace?
What if it wasn't nearly as big of a deal to them as it was to you?
Will you feel like a fool if they shrug everything off their shoulders yet it took you ten minutes to work up the courage to talk to them?
What happens if they don't talk to you, and it's actually a bigger deal than you thought?
What if they're one of your best friends
and the silence is killing you?

I don't know what to do, or if I should do anything.

Jesus Christ

This song will never cease to amaze me.

Jesus Christ, that's a pretty face

The kind you'd find on someone that could save

If they don't put me away

Well, it'll be a miracle.

Do you believe you're missing out?

That everything good is happening somewhere else?

With nobody in your bed

The night is hard to get through

And I will die all alone

And when I arrive I won't know anyone.

Jesus Christ, I'm alone again

So what did you do those three days you were dead?

Because this problem is gonna last

More than the weekend.

Jesus Christ I'm not scared to die

But I'm a little bit scared of what comes after.

Do I get the gold chariot?

Do I float through the ceiling?

Do I divide and pull apart?

Cause my bright is too slight to hold back all my dark.

This ship went down in sight of land

And at the gates does Thomas ask to see my hands?

I know you're coming in the night like a thief

But I've had some time, O Lord, to hone my lying technique.

I know you think that I'm someone you can trust

But I'm scared I'll get scared and I swear

I'll try to nail you back up.

So do you think that we could work out a sign?

So I'll know it's you

and that it's over

so I won't even try.

I know you're coming for the people like me

But we all got wood and nails

And we turn out hate in factories.

We all got wood and nails

And we turn out hate in factories.

We all got wood and nails

And we sleep inside of this machine.

Lights & Motion

Tonight I was thinking about carnivals. I pulled into the parking lot of the Milford mall expecting darkness only to be faced with flashing lights and constant motion. The entire parking lot was illuminated by the neon lights of the carnival and I was intimidated to even get out of the car. People flowed in and out of the entrance as different sized mobs, and here I was with my father, moving awkwardly through the throngs of people and praying I would make it to the door unscathed. The inside of the mall was just as crowded and it aggravated me to the point where I bitterly contemplated why teenagers would choose to wander around parking lots and and a mall for a carnival they are not officially attending. I soon felt hypocritical because that's how myself and all of my friends are. Most people go to carnivals to hang out with their friends even though it would be easier, not to mention cheaper, if they hung out at someone's house...which logically makes no sense but in another sense it does. Carnivals are figuratively cut off from the rest of the world, an enclosed area where everything is flashing or in motion. Carnivals create an alternate reality where you are practically living in an animated world. The most bizarre aspect is that once it is gone...once the bright lights have been turned off and the overwhelmingly large rides have been cramped into boxes and loaded onto trucks...after the world slinks back into its normal gloomy atmosphere...after all of that, you would think people would long for that animated ecstacy only something completely fake could provide. But in reality, when I drive by the parking lot of the middle school where the carnival resides once a year...I cannot picture it. I cannot see the parking lot as it would be for those few days of the year, and when it is there, I can no longer envision the parking lot.
Is everything that interchangeable? Is joy that false and ephemeral?
Ephemeral, yes...false, sometimes.
The things that make us most happy are not things at all, really...
They are uncontrollable emotions that we wish could last forever.

Someone Understands

Jealous

I have no problem admitting it. I am completely jealous of anyone seeing FOB tonight at Mohegan Sun. I'd probably go so far as to say I hate them all, for just a little while. I haven't seen FOB in almost two years...I miss them so much. It kills me that I saw someone's Facebook status that said they're going...and I wanted to...fucking scream. I hate how people who sort of like the band get to go, but I would sit outside all day for them and somehow I miss out on this. I hate that I can't drive.

I hate everything right now.

I MISS THEM. :(

Warm Weather is a Tease

For the past few days it's been in the 70's and 80's, and I am absolutely in love with the warm weather. Too bad it's going to drop to 60 degrees again tomorrow, the day after I finally drag my ass to the mall and buy some shorts for the first time in years. Oh, well...I guess that means I'll appreciate the warmth even more when it comes back.

Anyway...I haven't been writing here as much, and I don't know why. It bothers me because I finally convinced myself this was something I'd never give up on...unlike the pile of diaries from my childhood that lasted three days, a week at the most. This week has proved me wrong...or maybe I've been lying to myself the whole time. I do that a lot. The sad thing about it is that I always believe myself, for a little while. I've been doing that more than usual lately...lying to myself, I mean. 

Lying about a dwindling friendship that I tell myself is just fine, or that it's not my fault because I'm busy and don't spend a lot of time online...

Lying about a friendship that is progressing although I tell myself it's not just because I don't want it to...

Lying about caring for him, which I tell myself I don't...

How does my mother still think I'm an honest person when I can't even be honest with myself? 

And more importantly, since when did this entry turn into a depressed rant?

I'm forgetting I wrote this and taking a walk...enjoying the last of the sunshine.

Bye.

Ring Dance Rant

This is copied and pasted from the ranting thread...I don't feel like writing about this anymore.

Tonight was my high school's sophomore ring dance, and I was dragged into going by my friends. I wasn't upset, per say, that I didn't have a date, because a few of my friends didn't either. I just knew that it was going to be awkward during the slow songs, when everyone is in pairs...but I also knew I could cope with that.
So I'm sitting at a table with my friends and one says, "Oh god Laura, please don't turn around." Of course I turn around and the guy I've had strong feelings for since God fucking knows when is there with a girl from my grade. UM, HE'S A JUNIOR...I thought this was like the ONE school event where I didn't have to worry about him being there. I thought this was like a crazy nightmare and I was going to wake up... And of course the girl he's with is like this annoying as fuck girl who hasn't matured since FIFTH GRADE. I don't have like any self-confidence...but oh my GOD. JESUS. I know I'm better than her...I mean...that just made me feel like complete shit. Here he is (looking amazing....) going to the ring dance for the second time with a date, and here I am alone, on the verge of tears. It should have been a comfort that my friends were like, "If you need to cry I'll go in the bathroom with you"...but honestly it brought back the reality of the situation. Every time I forgot about him, he'd pop up again with that damn girl, holding her hand or dancing with her or something that made me want to fucking die of shame.

REALLY, I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU, NOR ANYONE, GRINDING ANYWHERE NEAR ME. I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW YOU WERE CAPABLE OF ALL THOSE...OBSCENE GESTURES.

Later, I found out that he had asked out another sophomore (who I thought liked him but now I guess she doesn't?). She said no, so he went to the dance with this girl to spite the other one. I don't care how much I don't like the two girls...that's fucking cold. That's wrong. That's just...I mean...any guy that does that is...I can't even think of a strong enough adjective.
So basically the whole night I was fighting the urge to confront him and smack him across the face...although there's still part of me that would give an arm and a leg to be in his date's position. I hate the fact that after years, he still affects me like this and I'm so powerless against his mere presence. It's pathetic.
I came home and my mother wanted to "talk about it," which wasn't a good idea because the more I talked the closer I got to breaking down. So before I said too much, I went upstairs, turned "Flightless Bird, American Mouth" on repeat, and cried.Now I don't even know how I'm feeling. There is way too much going on in my head and I'm way too tired to cope with any of it. This rant is too long and probably doesn't make a lot of sense. I don't expect anyone to read it either...I just needed to get it out of my system.

EDIT: Oh and I'm completely embarassed that I came home and broke down. I honestly thought I had my emotions in check and it's still humiliating for me even if no one else was there to witness it.Now it's 1:20 in the morning and I don't know why I'm still awake.

Too Tired to Think of a Decent Title...

I'm going to sleep soon.
But anyway.
I hate how I abandon people and lose connections without even meaning to...and I never realize until it's already said and done. This has been killing me lately, especially since one of my closest friends decided to not invite Em and I to her sweet sixteen party. I don't even like parties, but she means a lot to me as a friend, and to know that she invited people she's not even friends with over two people she spent all of last year with...it hurts. I'm not going to lie. I don't think she meant to hurt me or get me angry, but she did anyway. I would not mind going to the party and having a shitty time...just the fact that she cares enough to invite me would be alright. I barely see her anymore because our schedules are so different, but I talk to her whenever I can and...could I really have let this slip through my fingers?
I don't know if I should be upset with her or myself.

BusyBusyBusy

Wow.
I am very tired.
I thought yesterday and today were going to be relaxing days, since the only committments I had were plans with Bailey, guitar lessons, and the carnival on Saturday. Most of that changed when Kinnari called me as I was getting dressed and invited me to the mall. First she came over my house (and hour later than she said she would, but she went through the trouble of A: coercing [more like blackmailing] me to go to ring dance and B: finding the paperwork...so she deserves to be cut some slack. And she's Kinnari, meaning it's a given that she's going to be late.) and gave me the paperwork. I still haven't filled it out but oh, well, the dance isn't until next week anyway. I wish I could conveniently lose it or forget to hand it in, but knowing how upset she would be...I can't. My conscience won't let me, even though she has no reason to want me there. The guy she likes asked her, so I see no explanation for why she would want me there...
Anyway, Kinnari stayed at my house while my mom went out for a haircut appointment. She took us to the mall afterwards, where we went to five stores and didn't really find any dresses I would buy, although Kinnari thought it would be really funny for me to try on hideous dresses. We ran into Emily and Sophie and stayed at the mall longer than planned. Then we decided to go to the carnival last night instead of tonight, because there are no wristbands tonight. I felt horrible changing my plans with Bailey AGAIN, but she can still come over tonight. And we're making cookies as a peace offering.
So I went to the carnival last night. It was insanely crowded, meaning it took a half hour just to get on one ride. Tyler wasn't there either...I know it's pathetic that I still care enough to pick up on that, but whatever. I can't help it. Kinnari and I went on the carousel and bitched out three of my sister's friends for being rude and obnoxious. Not going to lie, I love picking fights with people I don't like. My Italian temper kicks in when people piss me off.
I have more to talk about but I don't feel like doing so right now...I have to leave kind of soon, and as soon as I get back home, Kinnari is picking me up. Her mom is taking us out to the Milford Mall. which is completely insane because they don't have to do that for me, but I'm not going to argue. After that Bailey is finally coming over.
The fact that I lost five hours of sleep doesn't help either. I had ONE green tea for the first time in a month and was up till 4 AM.
Not cool.

Unreliability Ticks Me Off

It really really bothers me when people make plans and then break or change them at the last second. I cannot put all of the blame on Kinnari and them, because it was my choice to go to the movies when I had a strange feeling I should hang around in case someone calls for plans. But I obviously did not listen to my gut instinct and went to the movies anyway. Now, I had plans to go to the carnival with a group of people on Friday, but apparently Friday was a conflict for some people. So Kinnari, Em, Soph, and Meg decided to change the plans from Friday night to tonight...but of course, they decide that this evening...and call my house ten minutes after I've left. I didn't get back home until 8:30 PM and flipped a shit when I heard the message from them on my machine, not knowing who I should be more angry at: myself or them. I changed for the second time in a few minutes and rushed to Trumbull High. I thought we were staying until 10:30, but Kinnari said the wrong time and we were actually staying until 9:30...which meant I barely had an hour there. I was in a grouchy mood, to be honest, and as soon as I was starting to loosen up, I saw Tyler. 

I wish I would stop reacting the same frigging way every time I see him. This is how it goes:

- First, an unusually tall person catches my eyes and I make sure it's him.

- When my brain processes this fact, my feet stomp (if I am sitting) or my legs start shaking (if I am standing).

- I smack anything and anyone near me out of bizarre reflex.

- My heart starts pounding and I feel like I'm going into cardiac arrest.

- I repeat whatever comes to mind over and over until I calm down. It's usually something along the lines of "ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod" or "he's here he's here he's right fucking here." It can be a combination of the two or something different. Tonight it was me saying "fuck" for a solid minute straight. 

- I am able to think rationally long enough to realize that he might have seen my little fit of emotion, so I hang my head (usually to hide the fact that my cheeks are red) and turn away. This lasts for however long it takes to convince myself he's not looking.

- Now I can control myself, although if he comes too close I pull my shoulders inward or cross my arms tightly, as if his close proximity will cause me to shatter and spill across the ground if I don't hold myself together. 

ANYWAY. Oh my god. I need to stop ranting about him like this.

Anyway...umm...the point of this was that...I barely spent time there...but I wasn't TOO angry because I still had plans for Friday with other people. But then I come home and apparently those plans have been changed to Saturday. Saturday happens to be when I made plans to hang out with Bailey. The problem has been solved because I just switched nights with Bailey...but it's the incompetence and unreliability of people that drives me crazy. 

Dear You

Letter #1:

Dear you,

I'm kind of sorry. I say kind of because I cannot say straight out that I am sorry. I don't know if I completely am because I know I can survive easily without you. I've been doing it ever since I cut ties with you and if you want me to be honest, nothing changed. I didn't cry over our lost friendship because it was my choice in the first place to burn that bridge. But I do feel kind of sorry for doing that. For you it must have been unexpected and it was certainly not the most graceful way to handle the problem. You have to understand that whatever issue put me over the edge wasn't the one reason I did what I did; it was more like the last straw. Maybe I tried to explain it to you but I don't think I did a good job. I want you to know that it wasn't all your fault. Most of it was actually my problem. From previous fights we had, I knew how to ignore you and pretend you didn't exist; and from the countless hours we spent together, I knew how to be your best friend. I didn't know how to find a middle ground between the two extremes, and there was no way I was going to take the risk of being a "casual friend" because we both knew where that leads. That was the cycle I referred to. Every time we started talking again, it escalated out of control. So we quit talking altogether. Except now we talk online a bit and it's not as awkward as that first time you IMed me about a spanish question. I enjoy talking to you now because there are no strings attached. I don't feel obligated to you but our shared past gives us easy topics to talk about. Plus, the years we were best friends, especially the ones where it was me, you, and Nicole, were probably the best years of my life. Looking back I hate who I was, but I'm jealous of how happy I was. Maybe I'm only talking to you now because it resurrects that carefree feeling I had in my middle school years...but maybe we've matured to the point where we can be "casual friends." That does not mean we would hang out every weekend and find some way to see each other between classes. I don't really know what it means but I think it wouldn't be a big deal if we met up at Starbucks once in a while to catch up. What's stopping me from attempting that partially has to do with my parents. They were never major fans of us being best friends. Don't get me wrong; they do not and never have hated you...but my mother described our friendship as tumultuous and her "tolerating" you being around so much. She says we didn't have a healthy relationship. I don't think we did either. We spent so much time together that sometimes we wanted to bite each other's heads off. Your mom didn't approve of me and apparently vice versa. Sometimes I felt like your emotional problems were too much for me to handle...and your trivial habits grated on my nerves. But we're inexplicably drawn to each other. There is always something that causes one of us to IM the other. As dysfunctional as we can be, we're not meant to hate each other...but I also cannot face the disappointment my parents would try to cover up if I ever mentioned meeting up with you again. 

I'l think about it. 

Sincerely, 

me.

Letter #2:

Dear you,

Just for the record, I don't want to hang out with you two over April break. That is about the last thing I want to do, but apparently my mother thinks it's okay to make plans for me. I know this is horribly blunt but lately I feel like that's the only way I can address you. I can see where you're coming from: you don't understand why all of a sudden I stopped inviting you over on Friday nights. The truth is, I have better things to do. It had gotten to the point where a half hour after you two showed up, I wanted you to leave because I felt like I was wasting my time. I imagined all the things my friends were out doing, and I hated that I subjected myself to the confines of your company and my house every Friday night. And you know, it does have a lot to do with that religious debate, if you can even call it a debate. I wouldn't because all you did was treat me like I needed your help and it was your job to save me from myself. I'm starting to become enraged just thinking about this. But the point is, I don't hate you for that, and I forgive you. But I can't forget. I can't. Every time we make eye contact the heaviness of that night presses down on my shoulders until I turn away. I don't have any problems with people who have different beliefs; it's when people treat me like a lesser being and try to force their beliefs on me that I lash out and become cold. As of right now I cannot be with either of you. It's a shame you're not going to Italy this summer. 

Sincerely, 

me.

Letter #3: 

Dear you, 

I've written you too many letters, two of which I think you read and the third being one that I never sent. It's still saved at the bottom of a random document on my old laptop where hopefully no one but me has ever laid eyes on it. The sad thing is that I write these letters to you and you will never read them, but maybe it is a good thing because I might die of embarrassment if you did. Anyway, I'm writing this now because previously, back when you talked to me, I found a million different ways to beat around the bush of what I could say in a few simple words. 

I love you.

That is all.

This time, I don't want a response. 

Sincerely, 

me. 

Easter Eggs!

I normally hate coloring easter eggs on account of my obnoxiously loud family, and this year was even worse because my aunt was sick with God knows what. So I spent a good deal of the afternoon avoiding everything she touched and keeping a solid ten foot radius the entire time. But on the bright side, I think my eggs came out pretty snazzy. I wanted to differentiate mine from my sister's so mine are all EIT themed. The first picture are the four asterisk ones and the next two are the others. The second picture is the front of the eggs and the third is the back. (Because the two blue eggs are sort of hard to read, the first one says, "Every inch you see is bruised" and the second says, "I wake up to find it's another four aspirin morning." Sorry about that.)

Finally - A Dream Worth Writing About

Don't think that I haven't been writing about my dreams because I don't feel like it - I haven't been writing about them because they've been nonexistant. For about a month or two I remembered most of my dreams and all of them were interesting; dreams I took to writing down because I didn't want to forget them. And then, out of nowhere, I stopped remembering. My mind was clear every morning. Even if the feeling and scent of a dream was still lingering when I awoke, it disappared before I could grap it, or I forgot in a second and let it slip away. After all, it was only a fragment, nothing I could really write in detail about. I finally had a bizarre dream, which is always the best kind, excluding the dreams I wish were my real life.
Last night my dream had a dark atmosphere where the spectrum of colors were mostly shades of blue and gray. It reminded me of the atmosphere of Twilight, which coincides with the dream itself. I was with this man whose face I never saw clearly. I say "man" instead of "boy" because he was definitely not my age. He must have been in his late teens or early twenties. Maybe even his mid-twenties...I can't really be sure because I never saw him clearly, but I know for sure he wasn't as young as me. His hair was black is the only detail I remember, and that the dream was sort of a choppy version of the first half of Twilight. I met him at my friend's party or something and talked to him because no one else was. He gave me a ride home and a few days later I ran into him somewhere else. (This is kind of killing me that it's so vague but I can't remember any details.) I started going out with this guy and everyone was telling me he was no good, there was something weird about him that made him a social outcast, but I didn't care. There wasn't much more than that...I wish I could remember everything but oh well.
Then my dream switched gears completely and I was standing on the side of the track at my high school with Emily. We were in gym class and everyone was running the mile except the two of us. We were hiding from the teacher so we wouldn't have to run, although by "hiding" I mean we stood like statues facing the bleachers and didn't move. It sounds ridiculous because obviously the teacher would have been able to see us...but I guess it was one of those situations where you're safe if you stay still, like with an animal or something. My dream switched gears again and I was still in gym class, but Emily was replaced by Ellary and we were at one of the softball fields in the back of my elementary school. The only difference was that is seemed enlarged and the outfield was filled with hills and holes. The ground was completely uneven and moved like there was a giant snake squirming underneath the grass. There was another boy there who I cannot remember and my gym teacher. She was wearing a purple shirt and gray pants which is very strange because she's never worn a purple shirt before. She told the unknown boy, Ellary, and I to run the mile on the field. The boy immediately shot ahead of us and Ellary and I started out at the same pace. After a minute or two she went ahead of me until she tripped and fell. It seemed like slow motion though, they way she fell, like it took way too long for it to happen. I noticed that the ground sank when she landed. I should have been worrying about if she was okay or not but instead I stupidly thought that I could catch up to her now. She got up right as I became even with her and together we jogged to the sloppy outfield. There was a huge hill that dipped to form a moat-like hole before it touched the infield. I didn't want to waste my time running all the way around because it would slow down my time, so I ran through the dip in the ground. However, when I set foot there, the rest of the ground vibrated in reaction. The moat grew larger until I fell down and the hill seemed more like a tidal wave about to overtake me. I started flailing my arms and calling for help. Not only was the hill about to wipe me clean out but the ground was sticky. There was no way I could get up on my own. I yelled and yelled for help until Emily Block (not the same person as the first Emily) came. She was wearing an orange North Face (which she doesn't have in real life) and eating one of those salads that Rebecca always makes fun of her for because it looks way too first class to be a school lunch. She held her salad in one hand and helped me out of the hole with the other. I took off running and got 9:57 on the mile. Three seconds less than I needed to pass.

I hope I have another dream tonight.

New York Is Ugly

Somehow that thought did not occur to me until the green grass and shiny cars gradually became crowded sidewalks and yellow taxis. The AP and honors biology classes went on a field trip earlier this week to the Bodies Museum in Manhattan. I knew it was in New York, but it must have failed to register, because I did not fully realize my whereabouts until the cleanliness (if monotony) of Connecticut was behind us. The latter half of the bus ride reminded me how much I hate New York. It has got to be the ugliest state in this country. The dull gray sidewalks are crowded with people pushing each other to move faster and the streets are littered with yellow taxis with movie advertisements on top. That's another thing I hate: there are advertisements all over the place. Plastered big and bold on billboards and the sides of buses or taped to store windows. The endless advertisements are so inescapable it's almost suffocating. New York itself is suffocating. It may be my imagination but it seems as if there is never any sun in New York...the sun is out but the sky is blocked by the buildings that seemingly stretch to wherever heaven is supposed to be. How are people supposed to watch the sun rise and set when these ugly man-made things are obstructing the view? How do you live like that? Since when were artificial lights beautiful? The only plausible answer is that people there simply don't like the sun. It seems reasonable. Everyone there reminds me of a rat; they skitter around in the darkness of the shadows and hop onto their buses or into their taxis before the sun has a chance to shine on them. The shade from the buildings keeps them secure in their dark corners. It really creeps me out. I don't want to live like a hermit. These thoughts plagued me as the coach bus drove deeper in the New York. I can't recall a single moment when one state turned into another. Maybe there was and my mind was off somewhere else, oblivious. Maybe I was too busy playing pointless games to pass the time or telling Brian how much I really hate the east coast.
I didn't know much about the trip to the Bodies Museum except that we got to see dead people and then have an hour and a half to roam around the South Street Seaport area. I hadn't even signed up to be in a group, but my friends put me in their group without me asking. We were in Mrs. Rick's group, which was good because she made the best cookies but bad because she's the epitome of a helicopter parent. I guess I can understand why she's like that; I don't know if her daughter, Ariana, has social problems or not...but I can only handle her in small doses. She hasn't matured much since elementary school and I don't cope well with people below my maturity level. I lose patience and have to detach myself. But I wasn't going to complain. The fact that my friends thought to put me in whatever group they were in made me happy enough. I wasn't sure who I was going to sit with but wasn't going to worry about it either. Over the past month I've developed a ton of faith in my friends. They seem to be there right when I need them, although they were probably there the whole time...I just haven't appreciated it until now. So I wasn't going to stress over something insignificant like who I'm going to sit with. Brian said he needed a "bus buddy," I agreed, and just like that it was settled. It was about a two hour bus ride, which I usually wouldn't mind, but towards the end I was growing tired of sitting in such a cramped area. It balanced out in the end, considering all the walking we did in the museum.
The exhibit was supposed to be mind-blowing, or at least that was what I heard from other people. My mom was jealous of me but I told her we could swap places anytime...the previous day she had taken her students on a field trip for an all-access tour of Madison Square Garden. As fascinating as dead bodies are, I'd like to MSG a bit more. The only things that intrigued me were that A) every body in the exhibit had been alive in the past ten years and B) because the Chinese government was running all of this, it's questionable whether the people died of natural causes...or were executed. Those bits creeped me out, but other than that, it wasn't anything mind-blowing. The bodies were skinless and even posed in different positions. It was interesting but nothing absolutely amazing. I think all the hype I heard from other people sort of killed the experience for me. Oh, well. To quote the lyrical genius Ben Gibbard, "No experience will ever match up to the idealized version in your mind."
The best part of the day was definitely the latter half. We were one of the first groups to go into the exhibit, meaning we were one of the first out. We had over an hour and a half to "eat lunch," which basically meant "do whatever you want as long as you don't get us teachers in trouble for doing it." Mrs. Rick wanted all of us to stick together but Kinnari, Raksha, and Bailey used their "we're vegetarians" speech as a reason for going off on our own. Mrs. Rick wasn't 100% convinced on the idea but we practically ran away before she could flat out say no. We walked up and down the streets for a few minutes before changing direction and finding a mini-mall sort of place. We got food and then walked around the different shops, which doesn't sound nearly as enjoyable as it was. All of us splurged on candy and ice cream and forgot for a little while that we would soon have to leave. It's amazing how the people you're with can completely change the way you experience something...normally, I would hate to spend a day in New York and have to walk through shops just to look. I would beg to leave...but this time I was begging not to leave. New York was almost beautiful for a moment when Brian and I almost got lost and found ourselves on a ledge overlooking everything. Almost, but not quite. The sun's light was still murky at best and the ugly buildings loomed across a gap of gray looking water...but it was alright, alright for a few seconds.

I HATE THIS SHOW.

I officially hate House because Cutner just died and I remember saying that he was the only character (of the three members of House's team) that I didn't want to die. And what happens?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENS!
He DIES.
He COMMITS SUICIDE.
Actually I think he was murdered because no one picked up on any signs and it just seems to random.
Come on Taob, you tried once and failed, COULDN'T YOU TRY ONE MORE TIME AND LET CUTNER'S CHARACTER LIVE.

effmylife.

...

...I don't really have anything to say. But I feel like I've been neglecting my blog and I should write something...except I don't know what to write. I guess I'll ramble uselessly about my weekend.
Friday was really good. It was an all around awesome day, even though it was pouring. But that's partially why it was so awesome. I was feeling kind of worn out from the week and although I had two quizzes that day, they were both in my easier classes. So I wasn't stressing about anything. I was feeling calm as opposed to bubbly and excited, so a rainy Friday was perfect, if you exclude the fact that I decided to be dumb and wear flip flops. I made it through the school day easily. By the time school was letting out, all the cars had their lights on. It was that dark. I came home and relaxed on the couch, watching The Visitor and the end of The Ruins. I showered because I felt dirty after lying on the couch for that long, and then went to Kinnari's. Sophie and Em were already there, which was surprising. Kinnari had said anywhere between 6:30 and 7 PM, but my friends are always late. Showing up at 6:45 felt early, but my parents wanted to go out and were nudging me out the door. Anyway, I was pleasantly surprised about them being there early, and also a little surprised that Andrew came. He seems like an alright guy but he's very introverted and is smart because he never immerses himself in the petty everyone else revolves their lives around. I don't know if I would abandon my social life to be completely free of drama (you've got to admit, if you're not a part of it, it's interesting to hear about), but hey, to each his own. It's not really any of my business anyway, how he chooses to live. Kinnari's liked him for a long time...so I was happy to see that he was willing to go over her house. I mean that in the least creepy way possible.
After everyone arrived, it was me, Kinnari, Em, Sophie, Megan, Ellary, and Brian. We got into a fierce game of BS, which I had never played before. I've never played any card games before except Go Fish, which I was never very good at...but I won. Everyone accused me of lying when I said I sucked at card games, but it's the truth. Sometimes people don't pay attention to me during games, and that's how I win. After that we went downstairs to get drinks and then went back upstairs. We watched DVDs that Em and Sophie brought but I wasn't really paying attention to them. Brian and I were "texting Raksha," which meant we were actually writing drafts and showing them to Kinnari so she could "read what Raksha said." We were basically just convincing her to move closer to Andrew. That didn't happen, but I think we're making plans to go to the movies next Friday...so maybe Kinnari won't be such a fool next time.
I don't feel like typing anymore. The rest of my weekend isn't worth writing about anyway.
Oh, by the way, I had a dream I went on vacation to the Galapagos Islands. It made me hate Connecticut even more when I woke up.