Speaking Up - What?!

Today, although stressful, was a good day. I had a vocab quiz first period, which was strange because our quizzes are usually every Friday...but there was a complication (actually it was more like a simplification) and it was pushed to Monday. I realized as I was finishing the quiz that I was supposed to ask my english teacher about passive voice for my spanish teacher. Even though my english teacher is a frail pushover, I become nervous talking to anyone unfamilar, big or small, male or female. I could feel my heart rate increasing at the mere idea of opening my mouth...but while she was collecting the quizzes, I asked her. She seemed pleasantly surprised that I was talking...and when I raised my hand twice during class (because I happen to like Lord of the Flies), she was beaming, She even asked me to elaborate on my ideas and questioned me further; I think she was somewhat in shock.
I answered a bunch of questions in spanish & algebra class too. Most of the time I know the answer in algebra, although it's a junior class, I just...don't want to talk. I don't know what made me raise my hand like I did today. Maybe I was subconsciously preparing for the presentation I had to give in insights. The thought of talking for for ten minutes in front of more than 20 people had plagued me all weekend. I had bizarre dreams about it and made myself sick with worry. It wasn't that I thought my project was bad; on the contrary, I was proud of it. But that didn't mean I wanted to announce it to everyone. I had to, though, if I wanted to pass, which I did...the situation was inexorable. But...I did...fine? Wow. I mean, I did pretty good. I did really good. I was nervous and shaking, but I got my ideas across coherently aside from the stutters. I think Blanc has a soft spot in his heart for quiet people, considering he was once one himself. He seems like he doesn't have any soft spots at all, but he's admitted to it before. As much as I hate the fact that his class is one big popularity contest, I appreciate that he seemed to understand even if he didn't say anything specifically to me. The message sort of emanated from him.
People were telling me afterwards that I did really well and I didn't seem as nervous as they all knew I was.
Gosh I hope so.

"Low budget film!" - Part 2

So tonight was one of the best times I've ever spent with my friends. Usually it's a few of us but tonight it was seven people, including me. I was worried it was going to be awkward because of Kinnari and Bailey, but it wasn't. I don't know whether I should thank Kinnari or Bailey, but I'll most likely just talk to Kinnari about it because I don't know if Bailey even knows about Kinnari's personality issue with her. I can't remember them having a major fight. But I don't want to focus on that right now. I don't feel like talking about friend problems. Tonight there weren't any. We watched Twilight again and couldn't keep quiet for more than two minutes. Normally I would jot down the funniest things that happened, but there were so many I can't keep them straight...everything, for once, was right. Despite our constant giggling fits, we touched upon a few deeper topics...like whether or not Edward and Bella's relationship is based on love or not. We came to the quick consensus that Edward must love Bella simply because he had seen so many women before her who were more beautiful, but he picked her. And to go from wanting to violently murder her to being willing to give up everything for her...well, it says something. But Bella is more infatuated with Edward than she is in love. I'm also a complete hypocrite considering I talk about how pathetic Bella is, but if I had someone like Edward, I'd be like that too, minus the practically being a sex addict part. And by "someone like Edward" I don't mean a perfect vampire or something unrealistic like that - I mean that if there was someone who had that kind of dedication and commitment, someone who saw something in me that transcended everybody else despite my flaws, someone who was my other half, my solid rock, someone I knew I could trust with anything and vice versa....then I would be just as bad as Bella. 

After all, even though I don't admit this out loud to anyone, that's all I really want. 

Professional Letter

Because of all the ocnfusion surrounding my the Fray/Jack's ticket, I decided to send an email to LiveNation (since they don't provide a phone number on their website; I guess they don't want angry people like me ringin' them up). I think it sounds very professional, especially for a 15 year old. Oh and I had to write that my name is Lauren because when I was ordering my ticket and they asked for a first name, they said Laura was not an appropriate first name.
...okay.
Here's the email:
Dear LiveNation,
On March 7th, I bought a general admission ticket to see the Fray and Jack's Mannequin at the Meadows Music Center in CT on June 20. My name is Lauren Costello and my order number is [this is where I inserted the number but I'm not inserting it in my blog, haha]. Since then, the show has been moved the Chevrolet Theatre. Two people I know who bought seat tickets received emails that their tickets were no longer valid and the transactions on their credit cards were being stopped. I did not and still have not received any email saying that my ticket is no longer valid, and I have received no email saying I could use my ticket for the show at the Chevrolet Theatre. I checked Jack's Mannequin's website and there was a message from someone who works with the band saying that all people attending the show should hold on to their tickets, but today there was a presale on LiveNation for the show. I can understand people who have seats having to purchase new tickets because the seating arrangement of the Chevrolet does not coincide with the Meadows, but there were no specifications as to whether or not people with general admission tickets would have to re-purchase. Because I received no message about my ticket being invalid, I could not buy one from the new pre-sale. I would be very upset if I have to re-purchase my ticket and settle for a seat because I was not contacted properly and in a timely manner. I had made sure I got my ticket as soon as the pre-sale began because I wanted general admission. To undergo all this hassle only to be stuck in a seat seems unreasonable. My email address is wishwashedawayx3@aol.com. Thank you for taking the time to resolve this matter.
Sincerely, Lauren Costello

Plans!

I am happy right now. It is an amazing feeling and I hope it doesn't go away. I don't know if anything really improved or if the relentless sunshine is making me see things in a new perspective but it doesn't matter.
Anywayyy, as I rambled about in my last entry, I was busy all weekend, going in and out of the house for three days straight. I was hoping things wouldn't quiet down because as relaxing as time spent alone can be, being with amazazing people and having a good time beats that by a mile. Thankfully they didn't. These are my tentative plans:
- On Saturday night, Kinnari, Em, Sophie, Megan, Bailey, and Raksha are coming over my house. We're going to watch Twilight because Bailey wants to watch it again and Raksha hasn't seen it at all. Em wants to see what's on the third disc I have and she's horribly jealous that my DVD case sparkles like Edward. Damn straight. (Although I told her she should just go back to Stop & ShopPart, throw the DVD on the customer service desk, and say, "This DVD is defective...IT DOESN'T SPARKLE!" I think that's a solid enough reason for a refund.) Bailey even has Sparkle Like Edward powder and stuff that her mom bought for her as a joke. We're going to take some ridiculous pictures. The only thing concerning me is possible tension between Kinnari and Bailey. They never had a major fight or a falling out, but their personalities clashed and Kinnari is easily aggravated by some of the things she does. I told her flat out that Bailey was coming because I didn't want her to show up at my house and A) get mad at me for not telling her and/or B) feel awkward and want to leave. She said she was alright with it though. Besides, it's not like it's just the three of us.
- My mom is all gung-ho about having another reunion with my friends from elementary school, except this time it's going to be at our house. I was supposed to talk to Liz on the bus today but I figured I should get an idea of who to invite and send out a message on Facebook...Liz doesn't have a Facebook so I'm going to wait and see if everyone agrees and it's official before I tell her. This whole idea stemmed from a conversation Katie and I had during gym last week. I don't usually talk to her because she hangs on the arms of two other girls I'd rather not step in the pathway of, but she decided to come over to our side of the gym that day. She said it was because she didn't want to play soccer-volleyball but a minute after joining us, she turned to me and asked, "What do you think of Mackenzie and Zoe? I won't tell them anything, honestly, it's just that...I can't stand being around them anymore and I want to know if it's just me." I told her the truth: that neither have done anything harmful to me personally, but Mackenzie's personality is dry and Zoe can be overbearing, to say the least. They're far from being horrible people...but I could never be their best friends. Usually I would have been wary about saying that, but I've known Katie since fourth grade and while I can tell white lies to strangers...I can't do it to friends. She didn't get mad at all when I said that; in fact she was nodding away like this all made sense to her. She told me she couldn't deal with the two of them any longer. What struck me the most was when she said, "I pretty much hate everyone I'm friends with now." A piece of me wanted to think, Well no wonder, that's usually what happens when you run away from the people who know you best at the time you need them the most. But she was on the verge of tears, I could tell, and my bitter thoughts disappeared.
I don't know why people come to me with their heartfelt confessions (it's happened with random people before, honestly), but it made me want to do something for her. So that's where this reunion idea came from.

Oh and random exciting news: I'm OFFICIALLY OFFICIALLY going to Italy next year with Marisaaaaaaaaaaa. I have to miss seven days of school which will be stressful and may cause my teachers to dislike me, but hey, I have an entire April break right after that to make up my work. And I'm a responsible kid.
I can't wait to get out of this country,

"It's a low budget film!"

This is probably going to be the happiest and most cheerful entry I've ever posted. For real. This is happier than that time I found out about the Mae concert or wrote about the Jack's one, because that was more like excitement in the form of pre and post concert highs. Right now I'm truly happy, completely content with most everyone in my life and grateful for the three day weekend. On Friday night, I went out to Starbucks which was really convenient considering if I wasn't invited anywhere, I would have to go to my sister's softball game or stay home alone. Either way I would have felt somewhat pathetic, stuck with my family or home by myself on a Friday night when most teenagers are out of the house. So thank God I was invited somewhere. Kinnari was the one who came up with the idea and sent out the invites on Facebook. She invited nine people not including herself but three of them couldn't make it; it ended up being me, her, Em, Meg, Sophie, Ellary, and Brian. We took up a good section of the cafe and bombared everyone's quiet evening with our loud talking and giggling. At first we all talked but by 7 PM or 7:30, there were separate conversations going on. Kinnari, Megan, and Sophie were having a camera fight and I don't remember what Brian and Em were doing because Ellary and I got to talking and we just couldn't stop. We talked and talked for over an hour and I can't even tell you what we talked about because we jumped from topic to topic every minute or every fifteen or whenever the hell we felt like changing topics. I thought two hours at Starbucks was going to drag on forever, but the time flew by. I didn't want to leave because as inviting as an empty house was, I wanted to be with them more than I wanted to be alone. I haven't felt like that in a long time.
Kinnari gave me a ride home and I was planning on watching Milk, but I saw that Let the Right One In was available on Charter, so I rented that instead. I'm sure Milk is better but I wanted to see Let the Right One In simply because I read the book and as much as I hate it at times, I'm a critic. It wasn't bad, but it wasn't great either. The movie followed the book generally speaking, but it left out details that would have been confusing or unclear if I hadn't read the book beforehand. The book was gruesome and intense throughout the second half, but the movie completely lacked intensity until the last minute or so. Anyway...I honestly don't feel like talking about that movie right now. Maybe later. I want to talk about Saturday. The first half of Saturday went as usual, but after guitar I went to Stop & Shop to meet up with Emily and Sophie. I didn't need any community service hours but I know that if I was in her position, I wouldn't want to stand outside a food store and hand out flyers all day by myself. I would want people with me. So I went with her. I didn't want to go at all, really, but I only had to stay for an hour but it was, as so many recent events have been, better than I expected. Normally I choke on my words around unfamiliar people, even if I'm doing something as impersonal as handing out a flyer, but I got over that fear quicker than I thought. Sure it was monotonous, but it was also amusing. Someone should have brought a camera so we could film the odd reactions people had. Some people take the flyer and nod with their mouth hanging open stupidly, others mumble incoherently, and there are a few that flat out say no or do the whole "talk to the hand" diss. The best part was when Em's older sister asked a middle-aged woman if she wanted to donate to the Trumbull Food Pantry and she said, "No, Obama's going to take care of it!"
What's scary is that I don't know if she was serious or not. But we laughed all the same.
I ran to the library and then went to church as usual. I figured I could rent Milk that night since I had nothing else to do, but I came home from church to find a message from Em on the machine. I called her back and she invited me to Sophie's house to watch and mock Twilight. Even though I don't know Sophie that well and haven't been to her house more than once or twice, I agreed. I don't know what's coming over me that is making me more open to situations that would normally cause me to cringe in discomfort, but whatever it is I hope it doesn't go away. Anyway, I went to Sophie's around 7 PM, 20 minutes after Emily and Megan were supposed to show up. Neither of them were there so it was just Sophie and I. I thought it was going to be awkward, but as soon as I walked in the house Sophie turned to me and said, "I'm watching the Black Entertainment Channel!" The ice was officially broken. Maybe our personalities are too conflicting for us to be close friends, but at least we can be comfortable friends. I would be content with just that.
Em and Megan arrived a few minutes after me and even though it was pretty dark outside, we went in the backyard to play badminton. I couldn't say why because I don't really know. Em decided she wanted to play badminton so we went outside. That's one of best parts about hanging with them: they're so spontaneous. They do whatever they feel like and it's no big deal if five minutes later they don't want to do it anymore. They'll find something else to occupy themselves with. Everything is no big deal and sometimes that's exactly what I need.
Badminton ended once it got too dark to see anything and the Clipper, a huge golden retriever, chewed through two birdies. We went down to the basement and played a few rounds of air hockey. We all freaked out a little when someone tapped on the window, but it ended up being Kinnari trying to get into the house. None of us were answering calls because our cells were upstairs and we were deaf to the doorbell and any knocking on the front door. We kept alternating teams for air hockey while Emily sprawled on the floor across from Clipper. They were lying in the same position facing each other and I made a few comments about what a romantic moment this was and how "Edward and Bella" the two of them were. I didn't mean anything ominous by it, but all of a sudden Clipper got up and jumped on top of Emily. Everyone grew silent at this point and Clipper began humping Emily. There was another second or two of silence before Emily realized what was going on and started screaming. She jumped to her feet and kept screaming, running around in useless circles while I fell off the exercise ball laughing along with everyone else. We were all on the floor laughing, Megan started crying with laughter. For the next half hour, Em yelled about how she'd been raped and stepped nervously around Clipper whenever he came too close. I joked around that she should have heeded my warnings and Megan accused her of being a tease. Em proceeded to run into the bathroom yelling, "I was an accomplice to my own rape!"
After a bit we managed to calm down and turned on Twilight. We giggled at all the awkwardly funny moments and Kinnari excused every flaw by saying, "It's a low budget film!" She said it over and over until Sophie yelled, "If you say it's a low budget film one more time I'm going to throw something at your face!" That was when it turned into a joke to annoy Sophie; all of a sudden everything made it a low budget. Bella dropped her backpack on the floor instead of the chair but "no we can't reshoot...it's a blank-blank film!" Megan would say, "Woah, Bella's not wearing any pants," and I said, "That's cos they couldn't afford any." We collapsed into a fit of giggles as Kinnari choked out, "It's a...BLANK...BLANK...FILM!"
I haven't laughed that hard in a long time.
Hell, I need to laugh like that more often.
I hope it wasn't a one time thing.

Almost Spring!

There's only a few more hours left of winter. I'm so excited. Even though the temperature won't change drastically overnight, it still makes me happy that it's going to officially be spring. Because spring means warm weather and warm weather means...almost SUMMER! I can't wait for summer to start and school to end, but in the back of my mind I'm aware of the whole 'you never want it until you can't have it' thing and I might miss my schedule once I'm handed a new one in late August. So I am trying to enjoy myself and appreciate sophomore year as best I can, but I can't help wanting it to be over with. Oh, well, I've made it through almost seven months of the school year. I'm confident I can handle the last three.

Second Topic

This is the second topic that I was going to talk about last night but didn't. Not for the first time, I had worn myself out rambling unrelentlessly about Tyler. This is something different though. This is about my uncle, the one I avoided in his life and even ignored in his death, not going to his funeral or shedding a single tear. I know it's selfish but it's the truth. I thought about him the other day because I was telling my mom about how we spent a week talking about the assassination of JFK and how it's really interesting to hear about the crazy conspiracy theories and all. She told me that my uncle was really into his assassination and if only he was here again, we could talk about it. That would have been nice. I almost wish it made me sad though. Because it doesn't and I know it should. I know I should miss him a little bit but I don't know. Selfishly, I just want to have that conversation with him, and I was only a little pissed off for a minute after my mom told me that. It was like when you make a minor mistake and you're mad for a minute or so, but then the feeling fades as quickly as it came. Except this is someone's life we're talking about, not the fact that, oh darn we missed the turn and now we have to take the long way around. This is so serious and I don't find any sadness in it.
That in itself is kind of sad.

Content With Being Alone

I had originally written "Content With Loneliness" as the title, but then I changed it because that didn't sound right. The term "loneliness" seemed to imply I was stranded without wanting to be that way, or I was longing for a way out. Loneliness, in itself, is a very lonely word. But today I chose to stay home alone while my parents and sister went to a double header up in...somewhere far away. Usually, the farther away in CT the games are, the more likely I am to go because I have an addiction to car rides. There's some cliche about how people are so focused on the destination that they forget to appreciate the journeys, but I feel the opposite. I tend to embark on journeys without a destination in sight. I don't know if that is good or bad, but I guess it depends on the particular situation and the perspective.
Anyway, I stayed home today and spent a solid six hours by myself, but I didn't feel lonely or unwanted. I got my homework done reasonably early, so I had tons of time to read and do whatever on the computer. I stayed in the front room because that's where the most sunlight was. I go into figurative hibernation during the winter, meaning I huddle in hoodies and blankets and hide out in my room since it's the warmest area of the house. Because of this, when the sun finally does peek out from between clouds, my head is practically stuck outside the window to catch its warmth. I can appreciate winter for a short period of time, but I am a sunshine & summer addict. Aren't we all. So I didn't move from the window because it was bright and I could feel the warmth of the sun without having to deal with the wind. This is probably the worse time period for me, weather-wise, just because I'm ready to spring from my hibernation cave and into the sunlight, but it's not yet warm enough. Therefore I'm stuck absorbing secondhand sunlight through glass doors and windows.
After finishing my homework, I read Jodi Picoult's The Tenth Circle until I was tired of reading...which means I flew through about 150 pages in addition to the 75 I read in the car yesterday. Taking into consideration my awesome Friday night, spending Saturday running errands and ending it with a movie at Marisa's house, and my day of sort-of relaxation today, I'd say it was the best weekend I've had in a long time. Not much happened that was different from any other weekend, but I think I went into it with a brighter attitude and that changed my experiences a lot. The only downside was that I ate a lot because during the week I had almost nothing except Special K...meaning I was fucking starving all weekend and nothing could fill me. Except maybe that deeelicious chocolate chip muffin I ate at Marisa's house. Sorry about that, Katie. :)
Not to rain on my own parade, but since this blog is for releasing my inner thoughts...I feel I should talk about these two topics, neither of which I really want to discuss. But I will anyway. The first thing is about Tyler, obviously, because no one else gets under my skin as much as he does. I'm familiar with the concept of falling in love with the idea of someone rather than the person, because I've watched it happen to people, and I just...know about it, I guess. My friends and I have talked about people and how they don't really like who they claim to like, they like the idea of that person instead. But I've never had someone say that to me. Honestly, it feels weird to have my own words thrown back at me and my first instinct is to become defensive. Even now I'm getting defensive; I can feel it. But I don't think I would have been told this if the person telling me didn't believe it. So maybe they're right. I don't know. I've spent a lot of time thinking about it, but it's kind of difficult because, well, I'm biased. Obviously. I thought I had moved past falling in love with ideas of people because that was what happened when I liked my neighbor for a long time. He was the first real crush I had, and I was young and hopeful and imagined himself and I in all the scenarios you see in movies and read in books...you know, the typical walk-into-the-sunset-holding-hands type of happy ending. Pretty soon it wasn't even his face I was imagining in these imaginary happy endings...I realized it wasn't really him I liked, it was the idea of someone liking me back that I was falling for...and that's when Tyler came into the pictures. And that's when I spiraled downward, falling further until I hit the ground with no one to catch me and no one to even offer a hand to help me up. Or at least, no one's hand that I was willing to take. I considered that I had fallen in love with the idea of Tyler. I thought about it a lot because he was the spitting image of everyone I wanted in a boy. It would be all too easy to attribute all the characteristics of my dream boy to him and make it seem real, since I didn't know him the first time I saw it. I didn't know him for a long time. I still don't really know him, not the way a friend knows someone. But I also think that if I fell for the idea of him, I would have been able to drop him like I did with my neighbor. I would have been able to stop thinking about him when he went off to high school and I would have been able to shrug him off my shoulders when I got there too. You know? It wasn't the idea I was antagonizing over, because there have been other people I could have transferred that longing to be loved to match. There have been other people and other faces I have left behind because I couldn't and still can't see any other but his. I think I would have given up after I cried over him for hours and then cried some more because he would never know that I was crying like this and if he did, he wouldn't care. He could never think of me as much as I did about him, and then that would make me cry, and the cycle would never ever break. I wouldn't latch myself onto this sick idea that I would die for him just because it's him and despite the fact that he sometimes forgets my name.
I don't know and I'm so confused.
This sort of feels like a drug addict trying to be their own doctor, so I need outside opinions on this. I learned a long time ago that I can't completely trust my own thoughts...so tell me yours, if anyone is reading this. I need feedback.
There was something else I wanted to talk about but now I don't feel like it. I can't get my head straight or my fingers steady. So I'm done.

Good Times

Last night and this morning were so great. I didn't think I'd end up saying that but I'm happy I am. I guess Kinnari felt sort of bad that the plans for Starbucks fell through this week and I couldn't go last week, so she set up plans for the mall. I picked her up right before 5 PM and we went to meet up with Megan, Sophie, and Brian outside Starbucks. I wanted to go because I never go out with anyone really, but I was worried that I was going to feel out of place or uncomfortable. Emily couldn't go because of a procedure she had done earlier in the day that drugged her up, but usually her and everyone else go to the mall on Friday's. I felt like I was invited out of pity and no one really wanted me there, but it was actually more fun than I thought it would be. It was nice to hang with Brian some because I never see him anymore besides a few minutes before first period. And I didn't feel uncomfortable at all. I had a good time without forcing myself to, and for me to have a good time at the mall for over three hours...well, that says a lot about the people I'm with. :)

I took my sister's FYE gift charge and gave her the cash for it so I could get CDs. I wanted to get three, but I guess FYE downsized a bit when they switched locations, because a lot of stuff just wasn't there. There's no other excuse for not having a Coldplay album. Really. But I wasn't that annoyed because they had the Vampire Weekend CD, and that eliminates one of three or four I was looking for. We went to Target for a little while, walking around at first and then playing hide and go seek. Except it only lasted half of one full round because Brian, Megan, and I took over a half hour to find Kinnari and Sophie. We all got Starbucks & dinner, pizza for everyone else and a salad for me. We had changed our plans earlier in the day and decided to go to Kinnari's house instead of Sophie's. I didn't mention this but I was happy about that because I don't know Sophie that well and I think it would have been weird going to her house. I've been to Kinnari's house tons of times. So that worked out in my favor. At Kinnari's house, we played electronic Clue, which I failed at because I never even played the original version. But it didn't matter because fifteen minutes into the game, Sophie stole a peek at Kinnari's cards and while they were wrestling with each other, Brian opened the confidential file. 

I wasn't planning on sleeping over, but at the last minute Kinnari invited me to stay over, so I called my dad and he brought my pajamas and stuff. We watched Jumper, which was horrible, but I was half asleep during it anyway. We stayed up till 2:30 AM just talking, which was nice. I like talking with people I can have actual conversations with.

So now I'm home and it's 11 AM on a Saturday. I'm seeing Marisa and Katie tonight.

I think it's going to be a good weekend. 

Answer

This is what I need to tell people when they ask why.
Why him.
What's so special about that guy as opposed to...everyone else in the world.

Speaking of him...he was in my dream again last night, but I don't feel like writing about it because it was uneventful. He was just there. It was exponentially better than being screamed at. Oh, and in my dream he was wearing the same sweater he wore today. How bizarre.

Flustered Rant

Are you serious. For real? I am a sophomore in high school and not only have I been taking CAPT tests for the past two weeks, but you're giving us tons of CAPT practice packets. Why do you find it necessary for us to have SAT practice packets on top of that?! The first one wasn't so bad, but my friend (who is a mathmatical genius, let me tell you, although I shouldn't have to because you had her as a student already) spent two and a half hours helping me. And we still didn't get all of those problems. We must have left 10 or 15 blank. It got to the point where we'd start reading the problem aloud and burst out laughing because we had no idea what was going on. I keep hearing ridiculous things from other students like, if we get five wrong or leave five blank, we automatically get a zero as a quiz grade. What the fuck. It's bad enough that I have to waste hours and hours doing this, but the pressure of it being a quiz grade makes me want to cry. I know that in itself sounds ridiculous, but I have an A in your class and I'd really like to keep it that way.

Oh and I might have possibly fucked up on my bio quiz today.
So I really really need an A in your class. If I don't get it, I doubt any of the other sophomores do. Except maybe Heather.

I'm not looking forward to tomorrow.
The warm weather needs to come back if I'm going to be the least bit happy.

Committment Sucks

Tomorrow I start on the Special K diet.
Wooo.
It's not exactly fun but it will be beneficial because you can lose up to six pounds in two weeks, which is probably better than I could do. I don't know. I lost about a pound in the last four days. So yeah, Special K is better.
I'm enjoying my last Nature Valley bar while I can.

DON'T LET ME QUIT.

Nightmares and a Run In

I've been waiting for a week or two to have a dream worth writing about, or to even have a dream at all. But that doesn't mean I asked for nightmares.
Both of them happened this week, one of them being last night, and Tyler was in both of them. Surprise, surprise. In the first one, I was sitting in the commons at my usual table near the senior lounge. I was in lunch except I was sitting facing the opposite side. Usually, Tyler sits all the way across the commons, but him and another boy from my bus were sitting at the table next to me. They were facing the same direction as me, so both of them could see my back but I couldn't see them unless I turned around. But I never turned around even though I knew they were there. I minded my own business and half listened to the conversation my friends were having. Out of nowhere, Tyler and the other boy got up and came over to stand next to our table. Both of them started yelling at me and screaming that I needed to leave them alone, which I was already doing...so I have no idea what they were talking about. They kept yelling in my face and wouldn't stop even though I was screaming, "I don't know what you're talking about!" over and over. What was scary was that the longer they yelled, the taller they grew. They were rising before my eyes and I felt like I was shrinking under their wild yells. Then they said something bizarre. They called me a "y." Like, the letter y. For real. I have no idea what it means, but they kept yelling things like, "You're such a y!" and "Why are you such a y?!"
I have no idea what any of that means.
Last night, I had another dream that I was in the commons, except this time I was on the other side by the brick pillar that Jessie and I used to meet by. I was with her, except there was a mattress lying on the ground where one table should be. I don't know if every table was replaced by a mattress because I didn't look around, and there were so many people I couldn't see much of the floors if I wanted to. I was sitting on one side of the mattress and Jessie was on the other. Tyler was standing farther down, holding an iPod that looked more like Lee's. (Ellary was looking through his iPod the other day, and we were both sitting near him in math...so that makes sense.) It was an iPod Classic with a black leather case and black headphones. He was swinging the headphones around like a lasso and I gave him a funny look when he saw me. I laughed a little and he did a double take, noticing my reaction. He swung the headphones faster and came over to me. He asked what I was laughing at, what was so funny, and I told him he was turning those headphones into a lethal weapon and he might want to tone it down a bit. He smiled and came to sit down next to me on the mattress. We talked for a few minutes but didn't look at each other. I was sitting facing one way and he was facing the other, but after a few minutes I leaned against him. I distinctly remember the warmth radiating from him and I never wanted to move. I felt so relieved, happy that we were able to be around each other without me feeling the need to impress him and him being burdened by how I felt for him. It was nice for a few minutes, and then, out of nowhere, he jumped backwards and started yelling at me again. He was yelling the exact same things he said in the other dream, minus the "y" comments. I was so shocked that I didn't know how to retaliate. I sat there and started to cry while he kept yelling at me.
He has been in so many of my dreams and nightmares that I'm starting to think my subconscious is telling me something. There must be a part of me that knows I should forget about him, that knows my feelings for him are twisted and would never work. I guess that's why...nothing happened. And even though I figured this out...and I've known I need to get over him for a while...I don't know what to do.
Because the less intelligent part of me doesn't know how to let go. And doesn't want to.
Now, here's where I started freaking out. For real. What happens next is no dream. This morning, I went with my dad to Stop & Shop because he fractured two ribs and I felt bad. So I went with him to push the cart and load the bags and such. We were waiting in the checkout line and I practically did a triple take. Out of all the people, out of all the places...Tyler was in Stop & Shop at the exact same time as me. Even as I watched him walk past me, I convinced myself I was hallucinating and this was some bizarre double dream. I was sort of hoping he would notice me and say hi, but I was sort of hoping he wouldn't because I was scared he would start yelling at me again...even though that makes no sense because how would he know that he was in my nightmares? (I always feel like that...like someone knows how much I think about them just by the way I look at them or something...or they can read my mind...) Anyway, he didn't notice me at all. I watched him walk away and started slapping my dad, because I slap things when I freak out or get flustered. I asked him if Tyler was really there, or if I was imagining things. He said I wasn't imagining things but I should stop slapping him. I calmed down until Tyler started walking back towards us with his father...I think I might have fractured another one of my dad's ribs with that last slap...
How weird is that.

I Miss This Book

"If you’re male
and you’re Christian
and living in America,
your father is your model for God.
And if you never know your father,
if your father bails out
or dies
or is never at home,
what do you believe about God?"

"Me,
with my punched-out eyes
and dried blood,
in big black crusty stains on my pants,
I’m saying
HELLO
to everybody at work.
HELLO!
Look at me.
HELLO!
I am so ZEN.
This is BLOOD.
This is NOTHING.
Hello.
Everything is nothing,
and it’s so cool to be ENLIGHTENED.
Like me.
Sigh."

Living on Impulse

On Sunday, Marisa and Katie came over, which was a pleasant surprise considering they had been threatening not to on account of the snow. But they came anyway, and it was such a great time. Marisa had an assignment for her photography class, so after lunch we all decided to take a walk down to the lake. It seemed like an alright place to take pictures. After a bit of arguing, our parents allowed us to walk there. They didn't have an issue with Marisa and I walking down the main road alone, but they were nervous about us neglecting to keep an eye on Christie and Katie. They might get hit by a car or something, or at least that's what they said. It wasn't an outrageous idea either. Katie is a blonde and she has plenty of moments. We started walking up the street and after a minute or so, my dad's car started tailing us. We started yelling at him to go back home and when he didn't, I jumped in the middle of the road and held my arms out, daring him to hit me. He stopped the car in front of me and put my foot up on the front bumper, yelling at him to go home. When I started to climb on the car, he backed away, and even though the neighbors could have called the cops, it was fun. We got to the lake and took some pictures, one of which I had to take off my sweatshirt and lie on the ground to take. Marisa refused to lie down in the wet sand even though I said she would have to learn to "sacrifice herself for art!"
Now I have a bruise on my hip from lying on a rock.
We started walking home and decided last minute to stop by my grandparent's house. Christie called their house, yelling and yelping loudly into the answering machine until they decided to pick up. She said, "We're coming. Seeeeeee ya!" She didn't even ask if we could come. We just cut through a yard or two and hopped onto their back deck. We spent a half hour at their house, eating pickles and cashews and ignoring phone calls from my dad wondering where we were. My aunt was there and she gave us a ride back home in her pickup truck, which was probably the best part of the whole day.
It was depressing when they had to leave. Everything sunk into the dreary monotony of a usual Sunday. I started wishing I could live like that every day. I want to wake up and not have a strict schedule of what I'm going to do that day. I want to enjoy the spontanuity of being alive rather than dragging myself through a to do list. I want to live my life on impulse, do things when I want to and not worry too much.
I wish I could be ambitious without being uptight.
I wish I could let go.
Of a lot of things, people, places...
I wish I could do something besides wish.

Favorite Photos

Mae @ The Space

Alright, so I'm a few days late on updating my blog. I've been kind of busy and have neglected my blog since Friday night. Better late than never, though.
Anyway...
I went to see Mae at The Space on Friday night, which I was really looking forward to. I started listening to them when I was twelve years old and as much as I love them, they were one of those bands that I just assumed I would never see live. Whenever I went on their website, they either weren't touring or weren't coming near me. It was a pleasant surprise to stumble upon tickets to a show on a Friday night that is so conveniently close to me. None of my friends are big fans of Mae (half of them don't know about them) so I went with my family. My whole family decided to come since the singer of Forget Paris, one of the opening bands, is my sister's chorus teacher. Another card in my favor. Mmm, yes.
We got to the venue at 6:30, an hour before doors were supposed to open, and I thought I was imagining things when I saw there were only five or six people in line. For real? I'm here this late and still going to get front row?
Well, I sure ain't gonna COMPLAIN about it.
They ended up opening the doors early since it was raining pretty hard. The "stage," which was actually a six inch high hunk of wood pushed up against the back wall, was in the basement. It wasn't a dingy basement either. Everything was clean and organized, even if a little bit cramped. There was a couch pushed up against the opposite wall which I almost walked into on my way in. On the left was the merch and on the right a bar/food counter. There was even a few tables with barstools. I was very impressed, considering this place was barely half the size of my house.
Although there were people already downstairs, no one claimed front row, so I had an awesome view. I was literally standing against the stage. Apparently, two of my sister's friends were coming, which I had not found out until after we left the house. I wanted to be angry, but my excitement about the upcoming show withered my anger down to slight annoyance. At least it wasn't her ~boyfriend. One of them was Jessie's cousin/neighbor though...which was a little awkward. I didn't know if she knew about the fallout between Jessie and I, but the looks she gave me implied she might. Or maybe she's always snotty.
The show started 7:30, a half hour earlier than expected. The openers were local bands, the first being The Tired and True. They weren't anything special, but they were also very young. They must have been in high school or maybe not much older than high school students. I realized the drummer was one of the boys sitting on the couch I almost walked into earlier. Hmm. The second band was The Ghost Sonata, who was A LOT better than I expected. I think that's one of the best aspects about shows: when you go for the headliner and end up falling in love with one of the opening bands. My sister said they reminded her of Death Cab for Cutie, which I can sort of see, but to me they sounded like Brand New. I could barely understand what the singer was saying; in fact, I could barely hear the vocals in the first place, except for when he sang loudly. But when he did, he sang well. I hope to see more from them in the future and will be keeping an eye out.
Ironically enough, while Forget Paris was setting up, Brand New's Deja Entendu was playing over the speakers. They played about half of the CD because it took a long time for the bands to set up. That was the only major problem with the show. There were multiple technical difficulties, people missing and having to be called to the stage, and instruments adjusted mid-song. Maybe I noticed all of this because I was front row, because overall, it didn't take away from my ability to enjoy the show. It was just something I noticed.
Now, I'm happy I'm not in my sister's grade or in her school, because then it would probably be awkward for me to say that her teacher is DAMN good looking. Wow-ee. I think I had more fun watching him than listening to their music. Their music wasn't bad, but I've heard the same sound from a million different bands. Join the club, boys. They were enjoyable to see play, but their type of music blends in with hundreds of other bands when put on a disc. But, the fact that Tyler Cohen (my sister's teacher) plays the piano is a definite bonus. It adds a nice touch to their songs.
But it was a little gross when he decided to shake his sweat all over me. :
Anyway, Forget Paris finished after a few songs and Mae started setting things up. I absolutely loved how Weezer's "Pork and Beans" came on over the speakers and everyone setting up was singing along. At one point, Dave grabbed a microphone and started mouthing the words until someone else stole it from him. "Viva la Vida" started playing while they were testing out the instruments and everyone started testing the keyboard and guitars to the rhythm of the song. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only person who finds things like that adorable, but whatever.
In a few words, Mae was AWESOME. They did the best they could with such a small space, considering they have six members on stage and screen set up for visuals. It was set up a little awkwardly because the projector and screen were in the middle of the stage, where the drummer is normally situated. So the drummer was pushed off to stage right, with the guitarist and bassist in front of him. The singer was to the left of the projector and the keyboardist pushed all the way to stage left. Their show, along with their sound, was much too big for the cramped basement they were playing in. It's a shame seeing such a talented band receive less than they deserve, but they made it work all the same. They played a fourteen song set, mixing both their new and old music, which made me ridiculously happy. I lovelovelove their old music.
This isn't in order, but here's what I remember from the setlist:
The House That Fire Built
Futuro
Suspension
All Deliberate Speed
Brink of Disaster
Embers and Envelopes
This Time is the Last Time
Skyline Drive
Just Let Go
Soundtrack for our Movie
Rocket
Summertime
Someone Else's Arms
Now, that's 13, so I know I'm missing one, and I think it's Sometimes I Can't Make it Alone. It's either that or This is the Countdown.
Excuse my stupidity. :(
After the show, the bassist gave me a signed guitar pick and I got a picture with Dave. The Space was literally closing in five minutes so there was no time to talk, which sucked. I wish I could have talked to him. I didn't get to meet the drummer, but my sister and I said hi to him while they were setting up and he smiled at me a few times during the show. He seemed sweet and I wish I could have talked to him, too.
That always happens to me, though. I always get into my car or go home thinking, "Oh man, I should have done this" or "I should have said this instead," and I get myself down thinking about it. But this time I'm not going to let myself dwell on the what I wish I could have done. The night was way too enjoyable to focus on the downsides.

YAY!

That is all for now, but I think that pictures alone says enough. :) :) :)

More in the morning.

I came here with the intention of writing about the show the other night, but I'm too tired and it won't come out in coherent sentences.

So yeah.

Be back later.