Content With Being Alone

I had originally written "Content With Loneliness" as the title, but then I changed it because that didn't sound right. The term "loneliness" seemed to imply I was stranded without wanting to be that way, or I was longing for a way out. Loneliness, in itself, is a very lonely word. But today I chose to stay home alone while my parents and sister went to a double header up in...somewhere far away. Usually, the farther away in CT the games are, the more likely I am to go because I have an addiction to car rides. There's some cliche about how people are so focused on the destination that they forget to appreciate the journeys, but I feel the opposite. I tend to embark on journeys without a destination in sight. I don't know if that is good or bad, but I guess it depends on the particular situation and the perspective.
Anyway, I stayed home today and spent a solid six hours by myself, but I didn't feel lonely or unwanted. I got my homework done reasonably early, so I had tons of time to read and do whatever on the computer. I stayed in the front room because that's where the most sunlight was. I go into figurative hibernation during the winter, meaning I huddle in hoodies and blankets and hide out in my room since it's the warmest area of the house. Because of this, when the sun finally does peek out from between clouds, my head is practically stuck outside the window to catch its warmth. I can appreciate winter for a short period of time, but I am a sunshine & summer addict. Aren't we all. So I didn't move from the window because it was bright and I could feel the warmth of the sun without having to deal with the wind. This is probably the worse time period for me, weather-wise, just because I'm ready to spring from my hibernation cave and into the sunlight, but it's not yet warm enough. Therefore I'm stuck absorbing secondhand sunlight through glass doors and windows.
After finishing my homework, I read Jodi Picoult's The Tenth Circle until I was tired of reading...which means I flew through about 150 pages in addition to the 75 I read in the car yesterday. Taking into consideration my awesome Friday night, spending Saturday running errands and ending it with a movie at Marisa's house, and my day of sort-of relaxation today, I'd say it was the best weekend I've had in a long time. Not much happened that was different from any other weekend, but I think I went into it with a brighter attitude and that changed my experiences a lot. The only downside was that I ate a lot because during the week I had almost nothing except Special K...meaning I was fucking starving all weekend and nothing could fill me. Except maybe that deeelicious chocolate chip muffin I ate at Marisa's house. Sorry about that, Katie. :)
Not to rain on my own parade, but since this blog is for releasing my inner thoughts...I feel I should talk about these two topics, neither of which I really want to discuss. But I will anyway. The first thing is about Tyler, obviously, because no one else gets under my skin as much as he does. I'm familiar with the concept of falling in love with the idea of someone rather than the person, because I've watched it happen to people, and I just...know about it, I guess. My friends and I have talked about people and how they don't really like who they claim to like, they like the idea of that person instead. But I've never had someone say that to me. Honestly, it feels weird to have my own words thrown back at me and my first instinct is to become defensive. Even now I'm getting defensive; I can feel it. But I don't think I would have been told this if the person telling me didn't believe it. So maybe they're right. I don't know. I've spent a lot of time thinking about it, but it's kind of difficult because, well, I'm biased. Obviously. I thought I had moved past falling in love with ideas of people because that was what happened when I liked my neighbor for a long time. He was the first real crush I had, and I was young and hopeful and imagined himself and I in all the scenarios you see in movies and read in books...you know, the typical walk-into-the-sunset-holding-hands type of happy ending. Pretty soon it wasn't even his face I was imagining in these imaginary happy endings...I realized it wasn't really him I liked, it was the idea of someone liking me back that I was falling for...and that's when Tyler came into the pictures. And that's when I spiraled downward, falling further until I hit the ground with no one to catch me and no one to even offer a hand to help me up. Or at least, no one's hand that I was willing to take. I considered that I had fallen in love with the idea of Tyler. I thought about it a lot because he was the spitting image of everyone I wanted in a boy. It would be all too easy to attribute all the characteristics of my dream boy to him and make it seem real, since I didn't know him the first time I saw it. I didn't know him for a long time. I still don't really know him, not the way a friend knows someone. But I also think that if I fell for the idea of him, I would have been able to drop him like I did with my neighbor. I would have been able to stop thinking about him when he went off to high school and I would have been able to shrug him off my shoulders when I got there too. You know? It wasn't the idea I was antagonizing over, because there have been other people I could have transferred that longing to be loved to match. There have been other people and other faces I have left behind because I couldn't and still can't see any other but his. I think I would have given up after I cried over him for hours and then cried some more because he would never know that I was crying like this and if he did, he wouldn't care. He could never think of me as much as I did about him, and then that would make me cry, and the cycle would never ever break. I wouldn't latch myself onto this sick idea that I would die for him just because it's him and despite the fact that he sometimes forgets my name.
I don't know and I'm so confused.
This sort of feels like a drug addict trying to be their own doctor, so I need outside opinions on this. I learned a long time ago that I can't completely trust my own thoughts...so tell me yours, if anyone is reading this. I need feedback.
There was something else I wanted to talk about but now I don't feel like it. I can't get my head straight or my fingers steady. So I'm done.